Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

Leave.

The relationship is over. There's no coming back I'm afraid.

Your poor children should not have to witness this behaviour. Think of them.

You both need a fresh start.

Thing is, if you want to hit someone bigger than you, prepare to be hit back - self defense is human instinct.

You can't just go round saying "oh I'm a small woman so I get to hit whoever I want when I'm pushed to the edge" (and pushed to the edge is always the excuse whereas men don't get that excuse).

My mum does that because she knows it will be a really bad look for men or bigger women to hit her back, because of people like you. But abuser immunity doesn't work like that.

You shouldn't have slapped him.

He shouldn't be abusing you on an ongoing basis and he shouldn't be inflicting emotional harm on the children by abusing you and by making misogynistic comments in front of them.

Couples counseling probably would have been useless since he is abusive (and he may argue that you have been too based on the slap incident and whatever other grievances he may have against you) and you likely wouldn't have found a therapist willing to take you on given the abuse, BUT the fact that he wasn't even willing to try should have been the endpoint. There really isn't, and shouldn't be, a future for this relationship.

You sound as bad as each other to be honest. Yes, he was a complete dick regarding the shower, and any decent person (man or woman) would have turned the tap of immediately, and allowed the person to continue showering. Does that excuse you for hitting him? No. Should be have hit you back? No. Should he have called you names in front of your children? No. The relationship is toxic and your poor children are growing up in this environment. I understand the situation with living with your in-laws was hard, and that puts a strain on any relationship but most people don't resort to physical violence. Split up, and go your separate ways.

Your not wrong to not move on. The whole lead up was him treating you like shit & when that spilled over he severely assaulted you.

You should have caused a scene, got police involved even his parents if you were staying at there's but like most women (& men) in abusive relationships you stayed & that's heart breaking

Get yourself and your poor children away from this awful man.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Contact Women's aid.

Your marriage is over.
I'm so sorry.

She is the aggressive one. Who knows what else he has been subjected to. Amazing how anything is turned round to pretend the woman is the victim. No no

Yes, because the only two possible options for a man slapped by their partner are:

a) put up with living in an abusive relationship forever with never a word of complaint, or b) beat the shit out of your female partner in retaliation.

Where does it say he beat the shit out of her. If someone hits you do you think you might react? Of course that would be ok if you're a woman.

Rewind to where he didn't allow you to finish your shower.

We don't know what he'd done that day, presumably he didn't need to keep washing up?

But we don't know. We only heard how stressed you were. What had his day been like? Why didn't he allow you that?

It sounds like you're both very stubborn and at an impasse, before things got physical.

Even being hit, he should not have turned on you, being physically much stronger.

What you did was wrong but a man should not hit a woman back, ever, because of the strength-mismatch. This is not to excuse your behaviour. It was very poor.

However, you can't get beyond this. He was unable to give you a shower. He was unable to stop himself from hitting you back. A real man would not have done that. He would have ended the relationship there and then.

You sound like a toxic mix. I'm sorry OP but you need to break up.

Leave this relationship. You’re both abusive.

The slap is not relevant. his violence is because it was much more forceful- deliberately so.
What happened before is very relevant . He could have and should have waited 2 minutes for you to finish your shower and then get on with the washing up. That is what any normal person would do.
He chose to deliberately antagonise you .
Now the name calling?
You are right I feel the things you feel.
This man is abusive and controlling. He does not like you and he hasn’t got your back. Do you want your boys to grow up part of this abuse and violence?

@SySy7 would suggest you report your own thread and get it moved to Relationships - AIBU is nit the right place to work anything like this out.

As a tiny, underweight woman, I am very pleased to see from this thread that it's no problem for me to go round slapping other women (99% of whom will be much bigger and stronger than me) and all men. And they had better not lay a finger on me in return.

Im a social worker and work with DV victims all the time. I also have lived experience.

I disagree with others very strongly. You shouldn't have hit him, no, but I consider that reactive abuse - he egged you on by blocking your basic need for a shower! A woman hitting a man is COMPLETELY different to a man hitting a woman. Both are wrong - one far far more so than the other. A man hitting a woman can kill her. Its not the case the other way around. Denying basic biology and not recognising that sex matters in these situations is extremely dangerous.

Him verbally abusing you is just the icing on the cake. This man is dangerous, he's abusing you - in front of your children, it will get worse, you need to make plans to leave. And him using you slapping him as an excuse is classic abuser behaviour. Look up reactive abuse - also PM me if you need further support. Happy to help. x

Nobody should be smacking anyone. Your relationship sounds toxic. Time to end it and go your own ways.

Well you'll get plenty of support on here. You go girl, fill your boots.

Interesting. Are you saying that if a women was petty like the DP was, it would be fair for her male partner to slap her? And then if she physically defended herself she would still be in the wrong as she ‘started this whole thing’?
Hopefully not.

OP, you hit him when he wasn’t being agressive or menacing. He doesn’t sound nice but in regards to this specific incident he was defending himself after you attacked him so if someone should apologise it is you.

Wow that's a pretty intense reaction - blaming 'people like me' for your mum getting away with her behaviour. I'm not a person like anything and you don't know me bar what I wrote above, in which I never said anything about giving OP immunity - I've clearly said she was wrong to slap him, that she is facing up to addressing what she did wrong in seeing a counsellor. And with all due respect perhaps you're coming from a place of knowing a woman who is repeatedly violent, which is not the case with what OP has told us of her situation.

And self-defence isn't hitting back then ramming to the floor. It's blocking the slap. I get too that instinct might be to slap back, again hardly ideal, but not to escalate.

'If you want to hit someone bigger than you, prepare to be hit back' could very well be construed as abuser immunity too.

I suspect you were fuming when the water pressure went down and didn't ask that nicely for it to change and marched downstairs with attitude but hey you couldn't control yourself give a slap and take it then. Either way uncalled behaviours on both sides!

But he WAS being aggressive . It is aggression to refuse to stop washing up knowing the issue with the water and it is aggression to block the op from turning the taps off. It is aggression and control to choose to wash up knowing what would happen to her in the shower. He could have chosen to wait until she had finished. He didn’t- on purpose.

How defending? He pushed her to the floor. No one is saying it would be fine the other way round. The OP knows she was wrong to slap him - no one is disagreeing on that.

OP, if you won't leave him for your own sake, please leave him for your children's. They're going to grow up thinking this is normal otherwise.

A woman would not have been able to block most men from turning off the taps. That was the beginning of it getting physical, not the slap. He was using his increased strength and the underlying threat of physical violence against OP from the start.

I would walk away, and indeed have done. I would not hit back, no. I would not continue in the relationship for a day more. I would give my son exactly the same advice, and my door would always be open to him.