Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

YANBU

He sounds absolutely awful.

He is a controlling bully not to let you wash after 14 hours of sanding. I can see why you retaliated when he was blocking you.

To swear and belittle you in front of your DCs is disgusting.

Please get yourself and your boys away from him.

Seek help.
He is awful, really abusive.
We are here for you, so keep posting.

I’ve bared the ugliest side of ourselves and relationship to you all but absolutely not always like that. It has however become apparent that this man hates me and I can feel it. I obviously have issues with him too - typical dynamics of a woman feeling like she does everything whilst he swans around doing as he pleases. I’m very unhappy

I’m so sorry. This is a very hard thing to say, especially the part about how he hates you, but I think it’s so important you’re able to acknowledge how he feels about you.

Women who hate men typically leave as soon as they can , men who hate women sometimes do walk out too. However often they stay and make the woman’s life a misery including physically harming or verbally abusing them which is already happening to you. They keep the woman around until they’ve got a “replacement” because their partner serves a useful purpose in their eyes - nanny, cleaner, emotional punchbag, ego boost etc - all the while draining her and eroding her sense of worth.

It’s actually dangerous for a woman to stay with a man who hates them.

@SySy7 I hope you can leave this situation asap.

He says he didn’t intentionally do it because he didn’t know the pressure dropped - nor did he hear me. I found this hard to believe given that it was his childhood home.

Even if any of that is true, why didn't he turn the tap off when you came down & asked?

I couldn't be with someone who continually runs a tap!

Leave and enjoy your children. I'm saying that because if you both got stuck into improving things after the shower incident it could be salvageable but it's become worse and he won't go to therapy.

He was pissed at being slapped during a fight be was clearly winning & doesn't take responsibility because you hit him first ?

Id hold onto that grudge for life

I wonder if all those who immediately jumped on hit someone you get hit back are rethinking that line of thought now they learn the difference in size between OP and her husband. 5ft2 versus 6ft3 for any who haven't caught up. Doesn't make the original slap OK but really - self defence? And, really, pushed her so that she sprawled naked on the floor and hurt her back? Terrible behaviour from him.

OP you definitely need to think about leaving this man. He goaded you and will continue to do so.

And as for all the nasty comments about your body and how he has been patient - just ugh, what a nasty, nasty piece of work. You deserve so much better than him!

If these things happened in my marriage I’d know a line was crossed and things were no longer the same.
time to go.

It wouldn't be ok for a man to hit a tall, heavy woman either. Being tall doesn't mean a woman isn't hurt if a man hits her and pushes her to the ground.

I completely agree but my point was the discrepancy between their heights proves just how much his actions weren't self-defence to any who argued this point.

Yeah I understand, but as a tall woman I don't like the implication that it's worse to hit short women than women like me.

Self defence would be to get away from her, not to hurt her anyway.

I'm also a tall woman (5ft 10) so I definitely wasn't meaning to imply that. It's just as bad whatever height the woman is. But when you see the discrepancy in height and strength (he body builds etc) it just seems ridiculous for anyone to go oh yeah self defence. It's ridiculous anyway because it was clearly retaliation - self defence involves protecting yourself not attacking a woman.

I agree, honestly assuming a woman isn’t some kind of bodybuilder /martial arts experts she is still very unlikely to win in a fight against a man or even teenage boy of any height/size. I didn’t even need to hear the heights and weights for me to know this wasn’t “self-defence”.

Most women severely underestimate men's strength. An average man against an average woman, not just build wise but strength wise, is similar to the average woman against an 8 year old child. Men are much stronger and are built to withstand more, even the collagen strands in their bodies go two directions to mean they have tighter grip. The differences are literally wild. You need to look it up anybody who doesn't believe it.

This man turned the water off on op and refused to let her finish showing so she was supposed to wait naked? I'm sorry but that's planned. He knows how the water in the house works. When I stay on my boats in the summer you have to flick the pump on to take the water out when you shower (the cabin sits below water level). This means me and my partner are constantly getting in and forgetting to flick the pump. We shout to the other if they are in ear shot and we kindly flick it on so the person insife can continue in peace. I would never do anything to disrupt a shower for somebody and if I did I'd be sympathetic to the fact they were naked and pissed off. Especially if they were tired as well.

Why didn't he stop and apologise? Because he's a piece of shit who absolutely was set on upsetting you. It will be some pathetic dominance and control thing, which always seems to be the go to for men who easily feel emasculated and are insecure.

It wasn't self defence he was not in danger he just wanted to be a twat. Leave him he sounds utterly pathetic.