Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

Have a chat to Women's Aid OP, who can help you think about this relationship and how it's affecting you and your children.

Not unheard of for a partner to be deliberately provokative so that he gets his partner to hit him first, justifying his later violence.

It doesn't sound happy or healthy, especially if you are being triggered from childhood.

You shouldn't have hit him but the fact that he hit you back and pushed you would mean the end of the relationship for me. Yes both sides shouldn't resort to violence but men are far stronger, and in addition to hitting you back he pushed you. In my world men who hit women are dangerous.

Sometimes people are just toxic together and bring out the worst in each other

The relationship is a shitshow.

The turning on the water while you were in the shower, refusing to turn off the taps, ordering you to sit on the sink covered in soap wearing only a towel and blocking you sounds coercive. Was that really the first time he’d done anything like that? Does he routinely order you about? There is such a thing as reactive abuse. Also, throwing a naked woman across the room is a massive escalation of something he started. His vile verbal abuse suggests strongly that he is abusive and will hurt you again. It’s time to end this. https://nationallegalservice.co.uk/what-is-reactive-abuse/

If we flipped this round and a man hit a woman, then she proceeded to hit him back and push him over. We would assume she did so in self defence.
You literally started it.

Not entirely accurate, you don’t need to raise your hand to bully someone. Refusing to let her shower was a bullying action.

Both people did the wrong thing here. It sounds like a very toxic relationship.

It's hard to tell from this breif description , but it sounds potentially abusive on his part - he's isolated you from your friends, gaslighted you into slapping by intentionally not moving from the sink. Then there's the abusive language. I would reach out to Womens aid and talk out through with them. I may be wrong because nothing in this world is ever black and white.

I actually think you initiated the violence so it’s hard to judge him too much for hitting you back, although I do judge him for it. But it’s not black and white in that situation but ultimately you hitting him first doesn’t mean he gets to hit you back.

Calling you names like that in front of your kids is awful. You need to go to therapy for yourself and you have past trauma that’s playing in to this

You also need to talk to your DH at a calm time and explain that you see his words as abusive and with that your previous incident if anything else happens then that’s it’s, you won’t be able to come back from that

He didn’t hit and push her in self defence. Let’s make that quite clear. OP should never have hit him but hitting and pushing someone smaller and weaker, to the point of injuring them is not justified.

The name calling is also not justified.

OP you are living with a selfish bully and need to leave. Your sons will turn into him one day if this is the example that they’re living with.

Initiating the violence is much worse than defending yourself. Can't stand women who want to play the weak little woman card when they are violent.

Don't discount things as isolated incidents.
It's good you're going back to therapy because it sounds like whatever went on in your childhood has probably resulted in a relationship with a really unsuitable, vindictive man. That shower thing is a prime example. But above all he has hit you. That needs to be the end of a relationship.
I hope therapy is helpful in working through your own stuff. But send him packing.

You need to leave him. He is abusive. The fact that you hit him and so are not innocent in this is does not negate how much danger you may be in from him. The correct response to your assault on him would have been to use his physical advantage to move away from you then leave you/ report you to the police. Instead he took the opportunity to hurt you, causing you more harm than you did him. This is not the behaviour of a decent/safe man. His controlling behaviour in making you sit naked on the sofa while he washed up and his verbal abuse of you are other huge red flags.

So if you have/had a son you’d be happy that he was physically abused by his partner and should be expected to just put up with being hit?

Where do people get this rubbish. Men as a group might be stronger than women as a group but you have no idea about the height, weight or fitness of these two people.

The fact that he completely disrespected you with the dishes/shower situation shows his contempt for you. I'd call it a day on the relationship before anything else happens. Him calling you abusive names in front of the children is unforgiveable and teaches them dreadful things that they may take into their adult lives and own relationships. If you can't even discuss what's happened without it causing an argument I would get out before things escalate further - it's not going to get better and is unfixable with the inability to discuss it.

slapping someone who hit you first is not defending yourself, it’s fighting. Pushing her away, grabbing her roughly etc all violent but justified. Slapping or punching someone in the face (who statistically you are stronger than) is not self defence

What is to salvage here? If he won’t attend therapy and you can’t get past it, plus he’s now verbally abusing you in front of your children… I can’t see how you can save this honestly, or really why you might even want to?

It happened to my son, his ex punched him in the face when he had their toddler on his lap and baby in his arms. He never laid a finger on her, I think she was deliberately trying to provoke him. He ended it.

He sounds vile. Leave him.

They are people not statistics and she was the aggressor.

What has stopped you from leaving him?

Yeah you need to be away from each other.
Split up.

This is a toxic relationship. Yes you shouldn't have hit him, as absolutely awful as he was being, but he shouldn't have been a twat to you in the first place, should definitely not have shoved you and should not be verbally abusing you.

This is no environment for the children.

Sweetheart, it’s over. It isn’t all your fault, or all his fault, but you aren’t living in a safe environment.

He could have background stuff that lead him to over react to your slap, or to be a dickhead in the first place.

So none of that matters.

You aren’t safe, you aren’t happy. He doesn’t want to work at it and to be honest I don’t think you should do counselling with him. He’s manipulative.

Do your counselling alone and break free.