Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

Regarding the CSA, rape and abusive relationship, you don't have to reveal anything you don't want to. Regarding selling sex, I think you need to be honest and let him make up his mind on that. If he finds out, it could spell the end of your relationship.

He looks at you like your the best thing in his life.
But the past has shaped you to be you. You're a package deal. Knowing or not knowing about the past doesn't change the current you. It does however help him perhaps understand some dynamics in your life as you have said.
Personally if you're thinking you need to tell him, then you probably should.
And if that changes the dynamics between the both of you then perhaps its meant to be that way.

If I was in his shoes I'd rather know now that be blind sided 10 years down the line, or when you have children and the boundaries you might place with those come in to question.

I think your final point is key. Much of your early adulthood was impacted by the CSA and its ramifications. It’s not a matter of disclosing your sexual history (by which people tend to mean by umbers of sexual partners) as it is disclosing a huge part of who you are, whether it’s pretty or not.

For what it’s worth, I was slso CSA aged ten, and while my response to it was different to yours, it was also not pretty — I’ve also had lots of therapy, but I’m sure my marriage would not function as well as it does had I not been honest about it with my DH. Big repercussions, for example, for my relationship with my parents (who knew and did nothing), safeguarding our son etc. Something that happened to me aged 10 is still something that has an impact on my life in my 50s. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s a club with far too many members.

He knows about the abusive relationship but not how we met.
I am not worried about telling him about my childhood so much. I can clearly see the link and the reasoning behind why I chose to do what I did which was essentially self harm and re-enaction, but I am worried other people, him specifically may not understand that. I guess I still feel a lot of shame around it even though I know logically how it came about.

Thank you and I’m sorry this happened to you too. My job now involves protecting and advocating for children. It is a huge part of who I am, good and bad I suppose.

I would vote that honesty is the best policy because your past has shaped you and does explain the relationship with your family. I would also argue that by keeping secrets, you risk putting yourself under strain and then perhaps your realtionship at risk eventually.

Can you get support/therapy to find out how to best address a difficult conversation?

FWIW, I didn't read your OP as "someone selling sex". I read it as a child who was abused by someone who should have loved and protected tham, and that the experience informed your views of sex as a young adult. The fact that your parents benefited from your sugar dating and escorting, and apparently withdrew contact when you stopped sounds like expoitation and I am seethingly angry on your behalf. They should have been doing whatever they can to protect and support you, not encouraging and BENEFITTING from your exploitation.

If your man is truly a good man, he may be surprised or shocked, but I truly hope that he is shocked at the behaviour of your family. If he is angry, I would expect him to be angry on your behalf and to want to shield you. I hope he is proud you for how far you have come and how much you have acheived on your own terms, and that he appreciates how lucky he is to have someone who was dealt such adversity yet has managed to thrive.

if he told you that he used to pay a women in her 20's to have sex with him, would it change your views on him?

I wouldn't feel the need tell him, no. Do you feel you need to know about every sexual encounter he's participated in over the course of his whole life?

I mean if we were close I might feel comfortable talking about it but it's your life, and it's private unless you want to share.

Not that you should feel ashamed of what happened. I'm so sorry you were abused. I think a lot of people who go into sex work do have a sexually traumatic background.

But the past is just that. And it feels like you are much more comfortable not revisiting it. Which is absolutely fine.

He doesn't need to know. What possible good can come out of it. If you haven't discussed it in a year then I would let sleeping dogs lie.

Men can be weird about it, so can women. And there are probably more people out there, like me, who think you sound fucking amazing and wouldn't judge you for a milisecond. Hopefully you've chosen a man who is one of the latter.

Tell him what you want him to know, you don't owe him any more than that.

Yes it would for many reasons. Largely because men paying to have sex with women isn’t a trauma response, it’s misogynistic and entitled, and also having been on the other side, I know how most if not all women who go into it have been abused or exploited in some way.
what I did wasn’t hurting or exploiting anyone but myself. The same can’t be said for men who pay for sex.

if he did it out of loneliness ?

OP - for starters - sorry. And you have done so well saving yourself!
Secondly - no. He does not need to know it all, or any of it.

You’ve only known him a year. It’s not yet a long long term relationship. You both don’t yet really know each other as you are now. You don’t need to totally bare everything. And you never have to, your past is yours.

I’d see how it goes. If CSA and therapy is something you need to share for him to understand/support you - then do.
I don’t think there is any need to share your escorting. Not the reasons for it, not anything.
It’s long in the past. And it is a difficult conversation with no particular purpose or gain…

Thank you… and yes my parents’ reaction in many ways has been the hardest element to deal with and try to understand. I hate lying, always have done which was why they knew, and although I think it’s sensible to wait to know someone before trusting them with something like this, I don’t want to feel like I am lying by omission to my boyfriend.

Loneliness doesn’t entitle you to women’s bodies.

What’s life like as an incel @noidea69?

My general view is that disclosing the number of previous sexual partners etc isn’t necessary but disclosing sexual health is.

I wouldn’t engage in a relationship with a man who had paid sex workers, or been a sex worker. I would expect them to be honest with me if I asked.

I would operate a don’t ask don’t tell strategy if I were you.

Personally I wouldn't say anything. I'm sorry you were abused OP, it wasn't your fault. You're not withholding anything and certainly nothing that concerns him. If he ever asks if you've been sexually assaulted (which he won't) you can choose to talk about it then.

No, even if you're feeling wonewy. Not even then.

My sexual health is and has always been fine.

I do not judge you
I would not judge you even if you hadn't had the childhood abuse
Women make the decisions that are right for them at the time .

If you tell him ,it could come out to everyone you know ,any children you may have will find out ..are you ok with that ?
Personally I'd rather be honest with people and let those walk away who are not in my corner.
But ...my advice would be to a friend..don't tell him ..he doesn't have a right to know .

My family know so not concerned about that. I did tell friends at the time who betrayed me, I no longer speak to them.
it could have ramifications for my career, though unlikely as there is no way it could be proved. No online history or photos out there. I trust him to not tell anyone else though, that’s not really my main concern.

Absolutely don't tell anyone anything about your past life. Ever.

Not their business and you have no way of controlling what they do with any information you share.

You could talk to a qualified therapist if you want or need to talk about what happened in any aspect of your past.

I’ve had a lot of therapy and it wouldn’t be to ‘offload’ just to be honest.

I know a fair few men who have been open about paying for it and yet somehow that is more socially acceptable. The double standards are insane.

I've sort-of been here. Not in terms of selling sex; but a very dysfunctional family, and some past behaviour that is difficult and awkward to explain. My sister, for example, has had children with a very unsavoury man (to say the least), and has had them removed. I've had no contact with her in years, but it's not the easiest to explain!

I REALLY deliberated whether to tell my now-husband, for all the reasons you are... but in the end I decided that I'd rather that he knew, and if that meant he left, he was never for me.

I told him 9 months in, and gave him some time to process. He had questions on some of it and then accepted it all. I can't say it ever really comes up in conversation but he knows, and I'm glad he does, it sort-of removes any remaining power in it.

It's very difficult to reverse the genders in this one but I would feel quite misled if I dated someone for a year who used to sell sex, and they had never told me. I'd feel that I didn't really know them. I think if I'd married DH and he'd then told me something like that, or I found out about it now, it'd probably end things just because he had kept it from me.

Obviously he might have very strong opinions on this type of thing and it might be a dealbreaker for him - but you're almost better to know that now, especially as other people do know, however small the pool.