Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

I agree, Peach. All day every day.

You wouldn’t have asked the question if you didn’t think he might make different decisions based upon having all available information.

there is no inherent need to rush a relationship. You don’t have to disclose everything immediately. You can take things slowly and develop trust. Trust goes two
ways though.

I don’t think he would leave me over it, I just don’t want it to change the way he sees me.

I'm in the don't tell part. No judgement here.

He's your partner now but a year is not a long term deal.

That doesn't entitle him to your sexual history. Not numbers, nothing. You don't have to share your history of abuse or that you were an escort for a time.

What he is entitled to is to know is how is your sexual health currently.

If at some point you want to share, that's up to you.

Secrets have a way of coming out, even years later. Particularly if more than one person knows them. You always have the possibility that one of your parents might let something slip even accidentally.

its not about the sex itself. This is a large, outside the norm, and impactful period in your life which you are withholding.

to give a different example. If your partner had spent several years in prison, had paid his debt to society and turned his life around, should you be shocked to find out years later? Or if they had been declared bankrupt in the past? Or had another child?

Fucking hell what an appalling thing to do, what a betrayal!
No wonder you are not sure what to do.

I think that I would want to tell him because I've got to the stage now where if I can't be completely honest with a partner and trust them with what I say, I wouldn't bother with the relationship. But that's me. Also if I found out that my partner hadn't trusted me with some important information about their past, I would question the relationship.

I guess there is no reason why you'd need to tell him everything at once. Could you test the waters with a bit of information, see how he reacts and go from there? (I'm not sure how that would work btw, just a thought)

I get what you’re trying to say but none of those examples really compare. Prison - a crime, yes I think a partner would be entitled to know. Will affect future prospects and possible indicator of future behaviour. That might make them an unsafe partner. Bankruptcy might affect a financial future together such as buying a property. So yes. Another child, yes obviously. It’s an ongoing part of their life.

none of that applies to my situation. I didn’t commit a crime, hurt anyone, and it doesn’t directly affect my ongoing relationship with him.

You need to tell him about you selling sex so he can consent properly. Sexual abuse, no.

I’ve considered talking about the ‘sugar dating’ aspect as for some reason that seems to be more socially acceptable, despite it being largely the same and actually the men were far more exploitative. At least with escorting the transaction was clearly defined.

So he can consent?? I’m not actively doing it, it was nearly ten years ago…

Yes I know. What I mean by consent is make a choice about whether to have sex with you knowing you have sold sex. Informed consent is what I mean.

not all people are comfortable being with those who have sold sex in the past and that is fine, but again lots of people would be ok with it

I would be so upset and angry if my boyfriend had not told me he’d done this and I found out.

Done this in the past*

your sexual abuse is none of his business unless you wish to tell him and is inherently different from selling sex

@lilacbreeze so you tell all your sexual partners everything you have done sexually in the past so they can give ‘informed consent’?

how is this different? Because money was exchanged?

If I had sold sex in the past, I would tell them, yes. So they could make informed choice about whether they could desl with that or not. As it’s completely different to having had a few boyfriends.

selling sex is where a lot of people draw the line and it’s important to be honest RE that.

some men and women would be ok with it

Same with if I had done something like onlyfans or made porn

It’s relevant to a relationship. Not consenting to sex itself.

A lot of people would not even have casual sex with someone that had sold it and IMO it’s important to be honest. But some people wouldn’t feel the same.

however yes it’s much more important RE a relationship and whether someone wants to enter one knowing that about their potential partner

How would you feel if he had done the sugar mama thing (sleeping with older women for money) and not told you? Would that change the dynamic?

I wouldn’t say anything, it’s not who you are now, it’s well in the past. You never know if he could use it as a weapon to tell others if you ever broke up.

@lilacbreeze Given that situation is about as rare as Hen’s teeth, you can’t really compare. But no I wouldn’t feel I had a right to know that before I could give ‘informed consent’ to sex.

I just don’t see why he needs to know. It’s not comparable to going to prison at all. It wouldn’t come up on a dbs. It’s in your past not your present. He is looking at you like he looks at you because you deserve to be looked at that way. You’ve not done anything wrong and don’t need to feel undeserving, because you went through trauma and pain. You should feel amazing for what you have achieved, you went through the fire and came out the other side.

Live in the here and now and not the past and let him do the same. You’re both happy, don’t let malign old man spoil it.

It happens. It’s just not spoken about as much sadly. Ditto gay boys with older gay men. But it sounds as if you’ve made your mind up.

I absolutely would not tell him you've sold sex.

Even if he's "okay with it" I guarantee he will throw it back in your face at some point in the future. He's a man. He won't be able to help himself.

What you've done in the past is your business. He doesn't need to know.

Yes in the context of happening after CSA that might be a good place to start.
@Soggybirthdaycamping puts it well.
It's up to you how much information you give him if he asks though

He’s a man, he won’t be able to help himself

u ok hun