Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

My Dad told me (when trying to explain the link between the CSA and SW and how damaging it was and why I wanted to stop, and that the money he was asking for would essentially force me back into it…) that to not ‘put my crap life choices on to him (I wasn’t at all)… and if I didn’t enjoy it I shouldn’t have done it.

so there was zero empathy there and I guess I am fearful another man who is supposed to love me might feel the same. Also how horrendous it was to think a parent actually believes you like being used in exchange for cash.

Hi OP

I've not read the whole thread so forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said.

I think you're a remarkable person with all you've been through and I wouldn't judge you for your past at all. It takes immense courage to have had to do what you did and then turn your life around. Any man that sleeps with an escort is a scumbag. But the society we live doesn't really judge them but it does the women, who like you are victims.

If my girlfriend told me this story I'd cry and give her a huge hug and tell her that I love her. Her past made her the person I love. Even if I found out 10 years into the relationship I'd react the same. However, I know not all men would react the same so I can see why you are concerned. He doesn't have the right to know and please ignore the comments regarding informed consent which are laughable.

I would take things slowly and see what his reaction around the subject in general is. If he says the women involved in escorting in a negative way then I don't think he's the man you think he is.

Whatever you decide I wish the best and sending you love (in a very platonic way, when my wife reads this)

I really believe no one has any right to your private business from before they met you.

I wouldn't say a word to him.
Continue to move forward as you are doing.
You sound like sn amazing young woman who should be so proud of herself.

I’d tell him for the reasons you said earlier - that I’d want to know he loved all of me, I wouldn’t want to spend forever wondering if he'd still be here if he knew X, and I’d want somewhere where someone knew everything. Where I didn’t still have a bit of myself shut away for fear of rejection.

I don’t believe he’s entitled to know, but I think if you take that angle, you have to accept that if somehow he does find out in 5 years, he might find the fact you didn’t tell him a dealbreaker. That you never trusted him enough to tell him. You’d hope he’d also be upset that you didn’t feel you could trust him, but regardless, that’s relationship gone, at that point.