Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

It’s more rare (though it can happen) but is that even relevant to what I asked?

IF someone’s male spouse had done it- would you be ok with it? Is my question.

Thank you… ❤️

Agree with pps...not sure why you feel the need to tell him this?

He's your boyfriend of a year. Unless he's a royal family guy who needs a virgin bride of pristine reputation to maintain the family line this is irrelevant.

I've had past things "disclosed" to me by dates or friends, honestly it felt like TMI and I was sorry for them but also a bit embarrassed and wasn't sure what to do with the information....Its 2025 and we're in an awful economy, I don't think anyone normal is interested.

I'm sorry for any trauma you have and hope you have appropriate people to talk to, but agree you've been building this up a bit too much.

The only people who are concerned about things like this will be weirdos or potential abusers or drama llamas wanting to re-enact Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

Some people are gossipy and odd and will pick on ANYONE for ANYTHING (she used to be a nun? I bet she showed her ankle to men)

but you should be focusing on the present and moving your life forward, as you are doing.

If you're super concerned I'd mention that you were a bit of a wild child/party girl at X age.

But I honestly don't think any normal busy mainstream person with a life really wants to be analysing or poring over their girlfriends history. I genuinely think a lot of men struggle to recall basic information about their girlfriend.

You dont know all the reasons why a man might use an escort. Also, were you aware if any of the men were married or had girlfriends?

I think you should be vague to convey there is something in your past that traumatised you and that you are unable to discuss but hope one day to share and that it affects your relationship with your parents which is strained as a result. This puts him on notice that there is something you are not sharing at least which is some level of honesty. Personally other than being vague I would not share all the information unless we were contemplating marriage. This wonderful man could turn into a spiteful stranger if it all went pear shaped and I would not want to give someone power over me. You might not believe he could now but you simply can’t know. Also, unless you are contemplating a permanent commitment, it’s none of his business.

If you wouldn’t you are a hypocrite of the highest degree. Doesn’t matter that it’s rarer

No, he doesn’t need to know. You’re under no obligation and shouldn’t feel guilt if you choose not to tell him.

All other people and points aside, you’re a bloody formidable woman.

This is dumb as he will probably press OP and is akin to saying “I have a secret but I’m not telling you”

My spouse, like pretty much every other straight man on the planet who is being honest, would no doubt LOVE to be a sex worker. But only if his clients were women of course. If I thought he could bring in a wage above zero, I'd help him write his business plan!

@Greenfields20 There is no reason for a man to use an escort other than he’s an exploitative misogynist. Men are not entitled to sex.

I know that may be groundbreaking.

I mean that’s fair if you’re cool with it. I just get a feeling a lot of these other replyers telling OP to keep schtum wouldn’t be if they found out their partner does it. OP’s partner might be totally cool with it anyway.

If I found out any man I knew had been abused as child, by his own grandmother….
And that had led him down a path, for a while, of being a paid escort to older women, and then he’d turned his life around…
I would bloody applaud him. And if he was my partner I would. But like any rational human, I might run it through my mind.
Men think differently than women, in general, about previous sexual partners. We can be as enlightened as anything, but that doesn’t always make us rational.
I gave one singular piece of information to an ex and he used to blackmail, threaten me and emotionally abuse me. I had a breakdown and it took me a long time to recover. I told him something he didn’t need to know, that didn’t affect him, my health, or his health.
Going back to your original point, I would rather not know than a partner tell me out if some sort of sense of transparency. It’s none of my business. If I found out, I’d have to deal with it, but I have learned to respect a partner’s privacy around their past.

I had the polar opposite childhood to you @Muffinmoo (and I’m so sorry that was your experience). I wouldn’t tell him. I’d take my opportunity to move away from the sad bad times and into a new stage. I hope he’s everything you hope and happy times are coming.

That’s fair enough if you’d be cool with them having been a sex worker in the past

I didn’t say I’d be cool with it.
I am a human being.
What I am saying is I’d rather they respected their privacy. It literally does nobody any good by revealing it.
I’d be more ‘uncool’ about their parents benefiting from it. Now that would give me the absolute rage….

They are giving this advice because they know society views females and males differently when it comes to sex. The consequences for telling secrets like this are completely different for a woman than a man. Jesus, we've got to stop worrying about bloody men.

@lilacbreeze the difference between the two scenarios that you fail to appreciate is that women who go into sex work are almost always doing so through desperation of some sort, financial, trauma response, and no I don’t buy into the ‘happy hooker’ narrative because I have been there and have not met a single genuinely ‘happy hooker’ who was not lying and deeply in denial about the damage it causes.

Straight men, on the other hand, would in all likelihood bloody love to be paid to have sex with women.

the situations are not the same and cannot be reversed and compared like for like.

Just be honest and say it's not a part of your life you want to revisit. You can say there was abuse as a child and the impact of that and you'd appreciate it if he respected your wishes and didn't make you relive any of it.

You should only have to share what you are comfortable sharing.

as someone who has known homeless male sex workers that is not always the case that they enjoy what they’re doing.

Both straight and gay ones

If on the other hand you want to tell him then do. If he thinks of you differently that's on him.

loads of straight ones feel degraded and abused and you very much get “pimps” for want of a better word who tell them who to sleep with.

@lilacbreeze I have never come across nor heard of a straight male escort or knows anyone who knows one, who isn’t also expected to ‘go gay for pay’ because there is literally no market for it.

This is the best compliment I’ve had this year. Thank you 😅