Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

This is your mind playing tricks. He doesn't need to a know a single thing about your previous sexual encounters, paid or unpaid. Please do not feel any shame about your past - there are many women out there who have walked this path. You did what you felt you needed to do at that time.

On a practical level, no matter how nice he is now, you cannot trust this man to keep this secret and not weaponise against you if you ever separate. And that more than any reason is why you shouldn't tell him.

My friend was an escort for years. Stopped, had kids with a man she loved. All going swimmingly. When the relationship broke down a whole decade later, guess who stood up in the family court and told the judge she was a prostitute? Guess who emailed her boss and told all his family the same? He even told their daughter.

Your biggest love can turn into your biggest enemy. Keep your own counsel.

I’m in the why rock the boat, what good will be done with you telling him?

Yes I'm fine @lilacbreeze I'm also also a former SW who's met a LOT of men in my life .

And therefore know how they think.

And I'd use @JustPinkFinch's example as a prime example of what can happen when you tell men your darkest secrets.

Woman think that exposing their deepest vulnerabilities will make men understand them better. Hence why so many women then end up having those vulnerabilities used against them.

@JustPinkFinch absolutely horrific he did that to your friend. Given my ex used some of this information against me I have already lived it and am aware. My current partner is not like that as far as I can possibly tell but you can’t know everything about a person…

Not all men are the same just as not all women are the same. Mumsnet is so sexist.

I will eat my hat if everyone else here would be perfectly ok if their partner didn’t inform you he used to be a sex worker/ sugar baby paid for sex.

How many male escorts (not gay) and male ‘sugar babies’ do you know? Virtually none. Because women don’t tend to enjoy paying men for sex because it’s exploitative.
Men on the other hand… there’s a whole industry built around it. It’s not the same. Stop trying to make this into a gender debate because the situations cannot be compared.

I’ve been married for 30 years and my DH have hardly ever spoke about our sexual history (in my case there was a heck of a lot) before we met.
You don’t need to tell him anything.

Being a SW and paying for sex are absolutely not the same.

women enter SW for financial reasons. Nearly every escort I met (including myself) did it to feed their kids and keep a roof over their heads. I did it to make sure my kids didn't have a shit standard of living thanks to their dad walking out on us

Men pay for sex because they are horny and feel entitled to fuck whoever they want.

sadly quite a few as my friend was a sex worker and later turned to OF to avoid being homeless. You only have to go on sites like adult work to see quite a large majority of sugar babies are men. It does tend to be gay men though. IME.

Yes gay men being exploited by other men. The percentage of straight male escorts (who actually get work) is minuscule in comparison.

I meant to type “sugar baby and was paid for sex”

I am referring to OP’s situation only with the man instead of her

My point isn’t really how many do it.

my point is how would the people on here who are saying don’t tell him feel (I know you are cool with it) if their male partners had done it but kept it quiet. Nobody but you has answered apart from to say no straight males do it or hardly any. Which is not my point

Does he really need to know ?
Unless he's likely to find out via a 3rd party, I'd keep quiet.
It's not lying, I think you deserve a fresh start.

I’m telling you how rare it is to demonstrate that the two situations are not comparable,

I knew him well and would have baulked at the suggestion he would become like this. It was crazy how nasty and low everything became. A seemingly super chill and liberal guy, suddenly deciding she was scum and an unfit mother (once she left him).

Maybe there is more woman that do it and that’s fair enough.

but other people and you saying finding your partner sold sex is not the same as finding out you sold it is completely hypocritical

Get it out of your head. He doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of your relationship with your parents, it’s none of his business. Everytime I’ve told a man something sensitive, I’ve regretted it. What makes you think he wont betray you, like your friend did?

Except I said I wouldn’t feel I was entitled to know before having sex with him, so I am not hypocritical at all.

I absolutely despair sometimes reading some of the judgements on here.
And my next ‘big birthday’ is 60.
The fact is, the OP ended up in her line of work because of her whole centre of gravity had been destroyed by CSA. And by somebody it is unbearable for a stranger to contemplate.
I am sure (in the past) that’s led to levels of shame the ‘average’ woman couldn’t begin to understand.
Could she have the slid into other areas like addiction? Yes. That can take any of us, but women who have been abused as children are very vulnerable to it.
Our OP here hasn’t just turned her life around she has performed miracles.
It is the parents that gave my head spinning…
She should not have to inform anybody about whoever she’s slept with it is literally nobody’s business. It cannot be changed.
Her sexual health is fine, so what would it achieve? As for the ‘well it’s just being honest!’ we ALL have secrets, all of us.
They may not be as ‘big’ as this one, but we all have them, and most of us feel mortified when we even think about them.
I think OP (and it’s just my opinion, obvs!) should concentrate her resources on her own future, and enjoying time with this partner.
We aren’t here for a long time, OP had absolutely triumphed over adversity, and should be allowed to enjoy that in peace.

But that's not what we're saying.

If my partner had sold sex in the past then that's their business. I don't need to know.

Yeah I know. I’m more talking about the other folk on here who say it’s not the same if he does it. I will eat my hat if the ladies on here saying “don’t tell him” would be utterly cool with finding out their spouse was a sex worker and hadn’t informed them

I am sorry but it’s not the same. Very few straight men sell sex to straight women.
It is rare.

I don’t know I guess maybe I had romantic delusions of being able to share everything with someone I was in love with 😕
I don’t know if that is naive. I also don’t want to wonder ‘but would he still love me if he knew…’