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Original poster

Does he need to know about my sexual history?

254 replies

Muffinmoo · 25/06/2025 11:59

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

OP posts:
lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 18:57

Muffinmoo · 25/06/2025 18:55

@lilacbreeze I have never come across nor heard of a straight male escort or knows anyone who knows one, who isn’t also expected to ‘go gay for pay’ because there is literally no market for it.

Edited

Just because you’ve never come across it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist sadly

Rudeteenagers · 25/06/2025 18:58

I was horrifically attacked when I was 25. I very nearly didn’t survive. I jumped from a second floor to get away and I miraculously walked away with cuts and bruises. I had a spell in hospital and then home - this was 30 years ago. No mental health support and no emotional support.

I never really opened up and probably with good reason as I was in some abusive relationships, until I met DH.

I felt very close to DH and trusted him very early. It was about 6 dates in - I told him I had been attacked and who it was who has done it and some of what had happened. DH asked no questions and just held my hand. This was crucial for me.

He knows about some of the abuse I suffered as a child, he knows I went slightly off the rails at uni (I had an alcohol issue) and he knows I self harmed.

I would be clear about your boundaries. Eg this is something serious but I can’t have a free for all questions I just can’t. You don’t ask questions about assaults unless you are a trained specialist counsellor. I told DH more as in - I struggled with scarves and things around my neck. DH knows more than anyone - it never comes into our sex life ever. He never asks I talk if I want. He doesn’t know everything about the assault he can’t, I lived it.

I am very very of the opinion that what DH did with anyone else sexually before me, is his business and mine is mine. You don’t need to share your previous sex life. You don’t. You can say if you want that you are the victim of sexual assault ( a survivor of sexual assault when you were young - you may some bad choices that you wouldn’t do now as your boundaries are different . That you aren’t damaged goods but you are a strong woman and boundaries are important. You could say you made some choices you wouldn’t do now because of the sex abuse and trauma but your boundaries are different in 2025.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 25/06/2025 19:01

@Rudeteenagers I’m really sorry this happened to you ❤️
I’m glad you found someone as lovely as your DH.,

OP posts:
SnowflakeSmasher86 · 25/06/2025 19:03

JustPinkFinch · 25/06/2025 18:13

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

This is your mind playing tricks. He doesn't need to a know a single thing about your previous sexual encounters, paid or unpaid. Please do not feel any shame about your past - there are many women out there who have walked this path. You did what you felt you needed to do at that time.

On a practical level, no matter how nice he is now, you cannot trust this man to keep this secret and not weaponise against you if you ever separate. And that more than any reason is why you shouldn't tell him.

My friend was an escort for years. Stopped, had kids with a man she loved. All going swimmingly. When the relationship broke down a whole decade later, guess who stood up in the family court and told the judge she was a prostitute? Guess who emailed her boss and told all his family the same? He even told their daughter.

Your biggest love can turn into your biggest enemy. Keep your own counsel.

Edited

I was on team “tell him” but actually reading all these replies, especially this one, I think has changed my mind.

You’re right, you haven’t hurt anyone and it isn’t who you are now. I’m sure plenty of people don’t know every aspect of everything their DP did in their previous relationships.

You see it all the time on here - “once a cheater always a cheater” etc. People do hold their partner’s past over them and weaponise it during arguments. Your partner may seem accepting and tolerant of it when you tell him, but if you fall out, especially over sex or money, can you imagine how hurtful it would be for him to throw this in your face?

I’d suggest keeping it to yourself for now. Potentially sounding him out for his views by mentioning when characters on tv or films are doing it. You could watch Indecent Proposal with him and ask what he’d do in that situation etc! If he seems open minded it may be that a conversation starts up about the sugar daddy thing, but don’t feel like you have to tell him anything.

You did what you did for your own reasons. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone.

Butterflyarms · 25/06/2025 19:04

I think it's more that it will weigh as a secret on you over the course of the relationship, especially if family know and might let slip when you hadn't planned to say anything. If you are up front you can control the narrative somewhat. Also, if it's a deal-breaker, it is better to know now. Some men are squeamish about women with a sexual history (even when they themselves are highly active)

Greenfields20 · 25/06/2025 19:05

Muffinmoo · 25/06/2025 18:43

@Greenfields20 There is no reason for a man to use an escort other than he’s an exploitative misogynist. Men are not entitled to sex.

I know that may be groundbreaking.

Edited

And no response to my question?

Rudeteenagers · 25/06/2025 19:08

Greenfields20 · 25/06/2025 18:39

You dont know all the reasons why a man might use an escort. Also, were you aware if any of the men were married or had girlfriends?

Show quote history

Exactly.

I know someone through my volunteering about 20 years ago (bereavement group) who did use sex workers. His wife of 30 years (met and together from 14) died when they were 44. He did a year of horrific grieving and then used prostitution for about a year - he is deeply ashamed and although he tried to be a good ‘client’, sometimes he met a sex workers to have dinner. Or to hold someone naked. No actually sex but he did eventually have sex with them and used them for about a year. He was so ashamed - he was a deep emotional black hole and the trauma and difficulty of opening up - he was referred to a specialised counselling as it was beyond expertise. He was more traumatised by his use of sex workers than before. Given the high number of men that use them, it’s grim. Like a commodity to rent a body. I struggle with it - you can’t buy consent, you can’t buy sex but I’m not in the same boat and I can’t judge someone else.

healthybychristmas · 25/06/2025 19:09

I don't see why you have to tell him about things that you did before you even knew him. It's very controlling for people to think they have that right to know everything. And yes you are right, it's completely different if he was going to pay for sex. Your situation is extremely far and understandable. I would just say that I didn't like thinking about my past and that I'd made bad decisions at times but I can understand now why I made them and I've moved on from my past. I don't think there's any need to say more than that. If he does probe and you feel uncomfortable then that will tell you something about him, not something about yourself. I really really feel for you.

Happyhettie · 25/06/2025 19:15

You have been through so much and over come so much, why do you feel you need to tell him?

Like you said, there are things that partners need to know like bankruptcy as that could affect future financial things but I really don’t understand why you would need to tell him all about your past. It’s the past and yes it’s shaped you to be the person you are today but he’s got today’s you.

GintyM · 25/06/2025 19:16

You don’t owe him your history—but if it’s weighing on you, that’s the only reason you need to share it. Not for his comfort, but for your clarity.
You’ve taken ownership of your life in ways most people couldn’t imagine. If he respects you, he’ll handle the truth. And if he doesn’t? That’s not your shame—it’s his smallness.

PinkTonic · 25/06/2025 19:18

crumpet · 25/06/2025 17:34

Secrets have a way of coming out, even years later. Particularly if more than one person knows them. You always have the possibility that one of your parents might let something slip even accidentally.

its not about the sex itself. This is a large, outside the norm, and impactful period in your life which you are withholding.

to give a different example. If your partner had spent several years in prison, had paid his debt to society and turned his life around, should you be shocked to find out years later? Or if they had been declared bankrupt in the past? Or had another child?

Edited

That’s entirely different, it would have necessitated a crime being committed, hurt or loss to someone else.

OP your history is private. You shouldn’t feel pressure to tell anything unless you want to.

ThisChirpyFox · 25/06/2025 19:19

NaranjaDreams · 25/06/2025 12:48

I've sort-of been here. Not in terms of selling sex; but a very dysfunctional family, and some past behaviour that is difficult and awkward to explain. My sister, for example, has had children with a very unsavoury man (to say the least), and has had them removed. I've had no contact with her in years, but it's not the easiest to explain!

I REALLY deliberated whether to tell my now-husband, for all the reasons you are... but in the end I decided that I'd rather that he knew, and if that meant he left, he was never for me.

I told him 9 months in, and gave him some time to process. He had questions on some of it and then accepted it all. I can't say it ever really comes up in conversation but he knows, and I'm glad he does, it sort-of removes any remaining power in it.

It's very difficult to reverse the genders in this one but I would feel quite misled if I dated someone for a year who used to sell sex, and they had never told me. I'd feel that I didn't really know them. I think if I'd married DH and he'd then told me something like that, or I found out about it now, it'd probably end things just because he had kept it from me.

Obviously he might have very strong opinions on this type of thing and it might be a dealbreaker for him - but you're almost better to know that now, especially as other people do know, however small the pool.

Firstly well done you for turning your life around and doing the work to go to therapy etc.

You do what right but I know you've asked for opinions or advice. To me it would depend on how secure you feel in this relationship and what stage you are at. Are you living together, or thinking about it? Thinking about children or marriage?

If you are, you may think that you want your partner to know the truth and how he takes it shows what kind of person he is. If he supports you then it shows youve picked a goodun but if not, I'd reconsider being in a relationship with him. So got that reason id share but only if I felt it was leading to long term goals etc.

I hope it all goes well OP

lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 19:20

healthybychristmas · 25/06/2025 19:09

I don't see why you have to tell him about things that you did before you even knew him. It's very controlling for people to think they have that right to know everything. And yes you are right, it's completely different if he was going to pay for sex. Your situation is extremely far and understandable. I would just say that I didn't like thinking about my past and that I'd made bad decisions at times but I can understand now why I made them and I've moved on from my past. I don't think there's any need to say more than that. If he does probe and you feel uncomfortable then that will tell you something about him, not something about yourself. I really really feel for you.

Nobody is comparing it to him paying for sex. We were comparing it to if people paid him for sex and if he kept it quiet from OP

Ladybluejeann · 25/06/2025 19:35

I knew a Norma Garcia (fake name ) she was with someone almost 20 years started with him in her 20’s and cheated on him all day long. She took his virginity and he was faithful to her all those years. Sorry your NEW partner will have to know this. You should tell him so he can decide to be with your or take the wrong turn when going to your house. Good luck OP!

Ladybluejeann · 25/06/2025 19:38

ThisChirpyFox · 25/06/2025 19:19

Firstly well done you for turning your life around and doing the work to go to therapy etc.

You do what right but I know you've asked for opinions or advice. To me it would depend on how secure you feel in this relationship and what stage you are at. Are you living together, or thinking about it? Thinking about children or marriage?

If you are, you may think that you want your partner to know the truth and how he takes it shows what kind of person he is. If he supports you then it shows youve picked a goodun but if not, I'd reconsider being in a relationship with him. So got that reason id share but only if I felt it was leading to long term goals etc.

I hope it all goes well OP

Show quote history

Definitely a deal breaker. Sorry to say op. Hope he finds someone honest

lilacbreeze · 25/06/2025 19:39

Ladybluejeann · 25/06/2025 19:35

I knew a Norma Garcia (fake name ) she was with someone almost 20 years started with him in her 20’s and cheated on him all day long. She took his virginity and he was faithful to her all those years. Sorry your NEW partner will have to know this. You should tell him so he can decide to be with your or take the wrong turn when going to your house. Good luck OP!

I agree with your second point about it being a deal breaker but is your first point relevant to anything? Op has not cheated

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 25/06/2025 19:47

I have a similar history, and one of the many reasons that I fell for my partner is because I know he would never ever judge me for anything I’ve ever done. He knows pretty much everything including things I’ve never told anyone, and all it’s done is bring us closer. I wouldn’t want to build a life with someone who couldn’t accept every part of me- if he judges he’s not the man for you OP.

K8ate · 26/06/2025 08:15

Muffinmoo · 25/06/2025 12:22

Yes it would for many reasons. Largely because men paying to have sex with women isn’t a trauma response, it’s misogynistic and entitled, and also having been on the other side, I know how most if not all women who go into it have been abused or exploited in some way.
what I did wasn’t hurting or exploiting anyone but myself. The same can’t be said for men who pay for sex.

Show quote history

Unfortunately i can’t agree with you on that.
Definitely not to take anything away from you, but you still made a choice.
Perhaps there are reasons why men who seek paid sex also have trauma.

Greenfields20 · 26/06/2025 08:25

K8ate · 26/06/2025 08:15

Unfortunately i can’t agree with you on that.
Definitely not to take anything away from you, but you still made a choice.
Perhaps there are reasons why men who seek paid sex also have trauma.

Show quote history

Yes there is a big difference between a trapped trafficked woman being forced into prostitution or a desperate drug addict needing the money to pay for their habit. The OP said she initially went down the route as a way of making extra money whilst studying. Just because someone had a troubled childhood doesnt mean we have to accept their adult behaviour. It can help us to understand their choices but we dont have to agree with them. And I think the lack of understanding from OP that men can get caught up in paying for sex due to their own issues is quite bizarre considering she uses her issues to explain her role in that work. Not all men who pay for sex are misogynists. Some are deeply messed up, lonely or addicted.

honeypancake · 26/06/2025 08:40

I really don't think there is any need for him to know all that. What would you achieve? If you think it weighs on you or you have something unresolved about that past, you could try therapy to talk about it. I just don't think it would do anything for him to know these facts. Like what is he supposed to do with this information? Is it fair on him? It is not a secret that can affect the relationship. It's your past, everyone has a past. You have an amazing life now and you should focus on that.

Original poster
Muffinmoo · 26/06/2025 08:58

Greenfields20 · 26/06/2025 08:25

Yes there is a big difference between a trapped trafficked woman being forced into prostitution or a desperate drug addict needing the money to pay for their habit. The OP said she initially went down the route as a way of making extra money whilst studying. Just because someone had a troubled childhood doesnt mean we have to accept their adult behaviour. It can help us to understand their choices but we dont have to agree with them. And I think the lack of understanding from OP that men can get caught up in paying for sex due to their own issues is quite bizarre considering she uses her issues to explain her role in that work. Not all men who pay for sex are misogynists. Some are deeply messed up, lonely or addicted.

Show quote history

Except my adult behaviour wasn’t harming anyone but myself. So I have no idea why you are being so judgemental. The logical reason was extra money but the subconscious and emotional element was a trauma response. You know virtually nothing of me or my life, and your attitude towards SWers whilst defending men who exploit them is bizarre - including @K8ate Consent can never be paid for. If consent is conditional on payment it is not consent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Muffinmoo · 26/06/2025 08:59

@K8ate and further, I have met far more ‘punters’ than I expect you have and am therefore far more qualified to make an assessment as to why they are paying for sex, and I can assure you it isn’t because the poor loves are lonely and ‘traumatised’

OP posts:
Greenfields20 · 26/06/2025 09:04

Muffinmoo · 26/06/2025 08:58

Except my adult behaviour wasn’t harming anyone but myself. So I have no idea why you are being so judgemental. The logical reason was extra money but the subconscious and emotional element was a trauma response. You know virtually nothing of me or my life, and your attitude towards SWers whilst defending men who exploit them is bizarre - including @K8ate Consent can never be paid for. If consent is conditional on payment it is not consent.

Edited
Show quote history

But you twice ignored me when I asked if you were aware these men had wives or girlfriends. You didnt have to become a prostitute. You didn't have to exchange sex for money. You could have just went out and had sex with lots of men, why involve money. You were part of the whole give me money and I'll give you my body.

lissetteattheRitz · 26/06/2025 09:07

FoxAches · 25/06/2025 13:06

The past is the past. It belongs to you and you alone - you don't owe anyone anything, not your parents, not this guy. It's your business how much of it you want to reveal.

⬆️ this. I've also had CSA by a maternal great Uncle. That and crap treatment by my family has scarred me and impacted on how I interacted with the world. I was just thinking about it this morning.

As long as there are no sexual health issues that would impact on him, then it's none of his business.

Move forward and live your life 💐

lilacbreeze · 26/06/2025 09:13

Greenfields20 · 26/06/2025 09:04

But you twice ignored me when I asked if you were aware these men had wives or girlfriends. You didnt have to become a prostitute. You didn't have to exchange sex for money. You could have just went out and had sex with lots of men, why involve money. You were part of the whole give me money and I'll give you my body.

Show quote history

There is no point asking them rational questions, they either ignore or get on the defensive. They obviously feel bad not telling their partner but I doubt they will do anything.

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