Does he need to know about my sexual history?

[Muffinmoo]

I have been in a relationship for a year with the most wonderful man - but I haven’t been entirely honest with him about my sexual history. I’ve not outright lied, but just not proffered the information.,

Long story short, I suffered CSA by my maternal grandfather. That screwed up my ongoing relationship with sex, in fact my first sexual experience when I was 18 I was so drunk I don’t even remember it. The same guy has actually been accused of rape / assault on more than one occasion since. I didn’t (and tbh don’t) even think of it like that but I do remember not talking to him the next day and being in shock.

Then when I was very early 20s I started ‘sugar dating’ as a way to earn extra money whilst studying for my first degree. It was one shade away from outright prostitution. He was over twice my age and the third person I’d ever had sex with. But I chose it. After a while, actual escorting seemed basically the same and so I did that for most of my 20s too, before ending up in an abusive relationship with an ex client.

I have done well turning my life around and succeeding despite this. I have two degrees, a masters, and a very high profile and well paid career in a very competitive field. I had to do a lot of work and healing to confront all of it and then obviously the connection between my childhood and my choices since. I had essentially been recreating that abuse and hoping someone would rescue me. I guess that was me in the end!

My partner knows nothing of any of this. I am scared he will reject me even though he has given me no indication he would, but I know people would look down on someone with my history and men can be so weird about it, despite the fact it’s men who create the demand, and the shame should be on them, it just isn’t.

I don’t want to keep things back from him but equally it would help explain some other current issues in my life, such as my slightly strained relationship with my parents who knew about the above but actually encouraged it and in a lot of ways benefitted financially from what I did. When I made a very difficult decision to give it all up we didn’t speak for nearly a year.

Does he need to know? I just don’t want him to see me differently. He looks at me like I am the best thing he’s ever seen in his life and I’m just so worried that will change 😞

Equally, building a life with someone who doesn’t know such a big thing feels wrong somehow.

People change when relationships end ,they use what they can to hurt the other person
By telling him your giving him ammunition and power .
If your happy to have your work colleagues know,then tell him and see what happens.
I get the feeling you want people to say for you to tell him.
But only you can decide, because only you will have to live with any consequences

Could you go for a half way house. Tell him about the CSA and your family's response. Then tell him that it messed you up when it came to sex for a long time, took you into a dark place, but that with work and therapy you've turned your life around.

That you don't want to discuss that period in life at the moment, and possibly forever, and you want to look forwards instead. But that you thought he should know about the CSA and that it had a big effect on you for a long time, and because to some extent it always will.

If he tries to pry when you've already told him that you won't be giving details, then that raises a flag without you disclosing anything. If he didn't try to pry them you know he's either being respectful or he knows that he might struggle with the answers to questions he asked, so prefers a don't ask don't tell policy.

I think if your family know what you have to consider, if you're planning a long term relationship with him, is if it's likely someone will tell him at some point.

Particularly if your family aren't the best and are possibly likely to throw it up in a row.

My charmer of a brother revealed my rape to my now DH in an argument as a "well you don't even know about..." as a kind of "gotcha" to try and get between us. Luckily for me it just made DH realise how appalling my brother is, but a lot of people would react badly to a secret they didn't know about in that situation.
It also meant I lost control of the decision to tell DH in my way and in my time.

Well my family’s response was more to the escorting / stopping it. I have no problem talking about the CSA or what happened with my first boyfriend (technically rape or not) or the abusive relationship but it’s the stigma around escorting, I struggle with and worry about. Even though it’s not like I was hurting anyone other than myself.

I’ve not cheated, hurt anyone, or otherwise been an ‘immoral’ person. It’s hard to think someone I love might reject me for something I essentially did as a trauma response.

God that’s horrendous. I can’t see anyone having a reaction other than the one your DH thankfully did!

You don’t have to disclose your sexual history if you don’t want to, as long as there’s no issues regarding your sexual health which you have said there isn’t. To me there’s no difference (in terms of sexual health at least) from someone having sex with multiple sexual partners to someone escorting one person is getting paid the other isn’t and the escort is likely to be much safer in terms of protection. If you just had multiple sexual partners would you feel the need to disclose? Probably not.

It is definitely hard to think that, but then surely he’s not the one for you, if he’s only in a relationship with you because you’ve concealed significant trauma- related elements of your past? If you’ve curated the past you’ve presented to him to make it more palatable?

And I agree with a pp that if your family know about the sex work, then there’s surely a strong chance your boyfriend will find out at some point, and not in a manner of your choosing?

The past is the past. It belongs to you and you alone - you don't owe anyone anything, not your parents, not this guy. It's your business how much of it you want to reveal.

Whilst I completely understand your hesitation, I don't think concealing large parts of your past is a great foundation for a healthy long term relationship. Partly because the truth can come out in unexpected ways - if you volunteer the information yourself, it puts you in control.

And partly because as pp have said, your experiences have led you to who you are today. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and should be proud of all you have achieved - do you really want to build a life with someone who you fear would think less of you if they knew the truth about you?

Haven't read all the replies but personally I'd say its noone elses business.

As long as a person is clear of STIs, then really their prior sexual history is private unless they wish to share it.

I’d agree with this take tbh. I know you don’t want to risk losing him, but this has shaped who you are and will inform choices and attitudes you may have towards children of your own in future.

FWIW my DP disclosed some things early on which I would have thought were a deal breaker.

However, he was so open and honest about his MH struggles that it made me feel nothing but pride in him for overcoming his issues - I know that many would have run a mile from him (someone actually walked out on him mid date previously, which of course he found very hurtful) but I can see how far he’s come, and what it took for him to get here.

Hopefully your man feels the same way, and if he doesn’t you can still hold your head high as you’ve been honest and true to yourself. It may take him some time, and he may need to understand how the SA can often lead to other types of self harm etc. but if he’s as lovely as you think he is, hopefully he will put in the time and effort.

I speak as someone who experienced csa as a child. I want to be entirely honest that every time I have told anyone about it, I wanted to be seen as a victim and I wanted someone else to validate me that I was worthwhile and impressed that I had come out of it.
I would never in a million years mention that at times I asked for it (I know I was only 6 and didn’t know what it was, let alone that it was wrong) because it felt good.
I never mentioned it because people do not really understand the trauma response as you’ve mentioned. I wanted to solidify my innocent victim status.
Maybe you feel ready to tell people about your abuse as you have succeeded despite all the horrible times. By mentioning the fact you becoming involved in escorting, somehow dilutes the victim status because people can’t make the connection between what happened and what you quite rightly describe as a trauma response.
I’m not explaining myself well here but fully understand your dilemma because you want to be honest but you don’t want the focus to be on what you did rather than what you survived.

I don’t think your private sexual history is anybody else’s business.
If your sexual health is fine, then let this man accept you for who you are now.
I love these words by Maya Angelou…
Never serve them up your pain.
It is not about concealing your past, but sometimes giving details of past traumas does little to further a relationship. I do think being able to tell your partner about CSA and that horrific relationship are enough to reveal about yourself. Those are important.
There is so much to admire about you - you have turned such an awful set of circumstances into some huge personal triumphs.
And I do not think you can compare the morality of a woman being a sex worker to a man visiting one. You ended up in that world due to what you had been through. Men who pay for sex knowing that the woman is at least a victim of abuse, and possibly one who has been held against her will, is a different prospect entirely.
Many women don’t survive it. You did, and you are thriving.
Your parents - it’s hard to comprehend them at all. How they have treated you is just as bad as any abuser.
Meet this man as you are now. I am mid 50s and having told previous partners about things in my past, I have a different view now.
The person you live this life with is yourself. Being true to yourself is what counts.
You have been through a few life cycles already. Be present in this one, celebrate your life as it is now, and share yourself as you are now.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo thank you - if you don’t mind me asking, what has made you think differently about sharing things now?

I'd also add, as a PP has pointed out, if your family and some friends know about your past, what is the possibility of the details coming out in a way that you cannot control?

Personally, I'd think there was more to something that has been "hidden" than something that someone has told me about, however difficult the topic.

If you tell him, you can choose when, how, and how much detail to give to your partner. If someone else "reveals" it then it might have a far bigger impact.

And to reiterate, I sincerely hope that your partner's reaction will be to look at the person stood in front of him right now, with their healing and their therapy and their hard work to protect other vulnerable people. I do hope that he will not fixate on some moral judgement that has nothing to do with the reality of your life at that time.

Hi OP, I think you need to tell him. The truth always finds a way out - what if he finds out in the future from others and isn't prepared for it all?

Also, even if he never finds out the truth, since you are asking this question in the first place it shows that morally you care and I believe if you do not tell him the truth it will break you slowly.

If he isn't accepting, then you will also have to accept that he is not right for you x

It is your choice though, you could not tell him and pretend that part of your life never happened if mentally you can cope with it.

Good luck OP x

Yes I do think if he has to know it has to be from me. I told trusted friends at the time who then betrayed me and told others, and I had no control over how that conversation went and how it was framed. I don’t speak to any of them now - none of my friends now know, my family does but wouldn’t be as vindictive as to tell him. They have some bizarre attitudes but I think it stems more from their own issues than an active willingness to cause me harm.

I don’t think he would want to judge me for it, but I know that sometimes men just have this weird mental block around it however illogical. It is a risk. It would just be so heartbreaking to lose something good caused by what happened to me and what I did as a result. I’ve had enough taken from me from abusive men to then have to face losing even more because I have chosen to be honest about it.

But I am not and have never been a liar. I can see both sides, so hence the dilemma!

if someone withholds a piece of information that they suspect would change the other person’s decision about entering into a relationship, I believe that is unethical and can even be classified as sex by deception.

this is most commonly things like telling someone you are married or carry a disease, but it covers anything that matters to the person.

Unless you do not care about this man and want to possibly betray him, you need to be honest with him.

People aren’t entitled to know everything about someone right off the bat. I needed to be sure I could even trust him before thinking about it.

It isn’t the same as not divulging anything that might personally affect his life going forward, other than his decision to be in a relationship with me long term. I don’t have and have never had any STIs. No secret children. I didn’t hurt anyone or commit a crime. It’s not a reflection of an ongoing habit or character trait. It’s my history.

I have have often found one thing has been brought up and used against me.
However, when I met my current partner he was accepting of it. However, there are a couple of things I have never told him and I believe I have a right not to.
I just think you have a right to your own life and your own past. I don’t think even a partner should know every detail of your past.
If you have long moved on, and you have, then who you are should be enough.

Exactly , there is always the risk of betrayal and your lack of control over the information about you.

I’m really sorry to hear that. My abusive ex knew about my CSA - he told my employer behind my back, who I was taking to court over an employment matter, and they used it against me in a hearing (tried to say it had made me unhinged, essentially) Blindsided me. I won the case but it was horrific.

So yes I am very cautious about who I tell what, and totally understand where you are coming from.

Are you concerned that he could find out from your parents. If so it's probably best coming from you rather than a surprise years down the line

As a previous poster stated, please please please look into getting some support/therapy. That external perspective and relection won't be easy, but it might give your some invaluable insights and make you more comfortable with what you decide is your path forward.

It's totally up to you what you disclose, how you do that and when. As a reference, I work legal area and can tell you that victims of SA manage things in a whole variety of ways with partners. Some tell zero about their experience (their partner won't even know). Some tell everything to be (hopefully)
understood.

There really is no "best" overall aproach, it is what you feel is best for you. If the CSA and bad first experience are probably easiest to share, when you look at the stats for violence against women you are sadly not in a tiny minority.

The other stuff in your 20s is different, it's your past and many (most?) couples share little or no detail about those years with a partner.

I really wish you all the best going forward with your wonderful man.

No. It’s none of his business