He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

This is brilliantly written and very true.

Patients with bipolar don’t experience the manic phase as a problem. They often think if it as their true self, a great experience, a goal state. So they don’t like to recognize and address tge harm “exalted manic self” caused and they will often refuse medication because it hamstrings that exalted self and returns them to an average life with regret and sadness from those around them: abandoned wives, destroyed children, creditors holding debts, employers, etc…

Hope you're doing well @BookishBabe

Please don't make generalisations, even with the qualification of "often". Some patients with bipolar do not see mania as a problem - the majority do. Some will take that as "this is me", but the majority don't. Most are absolutely gutted when they learn of their behaviour when manic, some not so much. Some don't even behave badly when they are manic - I didn't. Every person who takes their mood stabiliser regularly has rejected their mania, and that's a lot of patients by percentage. Describe the worst by all means, and I won't say you're inaccurate, but don't tar us all with that brush because you're describing a minority.

You may also not know that we can recover from the symptoms in entirety. Yes, we still have to take the nasty toxic medication that ravages our bodies, but we can have no symptoms at all for years. I haven't had a bipolar symptom now for about 5 years - I'm obviously delighted. You may not know that for most people mania is actually just something that gets switched off quite early on and then we are left with the rest, so anxiety, depression, panic attacks, dissociation and worse - none of which give us grandiose ideas or make us act like idiots. They make normal life bloody hard, but we are no threat to anyone. Of course there are people who hold hard to their mania and some even make it work. But most of us are normal people with jobs, even careers, happy home lives, children, hobbies - all achieved through a permanent fog from a brain that wants us to worry about everything, hide away, give up, curl up in a ball. We refuse to be held back and we do everything anyway, despite the massive challenges. We do it all and we prevail.

So by all means describe the very worst behaviour - you do that very well, I admit. But do not tar us all with that God awful brush of self-centredness and grandiosity. It just isn't accurate to do so.

Hi @BookishBabe how are you?

Hey 👋🏻
Still struggling. Its the being blindsided which just makes it so surreal.
His behaviour is hot and cold and erratic.
He's seeing the kids more but not as much as I thought he would.
He only leaves new womans side for a few hours a week when he visits the boys on week days.
His behaviour is erratic, strange and serious. Hes forgetful, confused, fuzzy.
Him and new woman both sound toxic, paranoid and desperate to be honest.
They've both lost a lot to get to this point, so I think theyre probably going to try to hold on to each other.

His paranoia is worse than ever, he has been looking round my house for hidden cameras because I'm secretly filming him (I'm not), checking his pockets for microphone bugs, and also said there was something "burrowing in his arm" and grabbed a knife and cut it out. Said he can't trust me and I'm "out to get him" and is saying super inappropriate comments, and when I try and say that it wasn't an okay thing to say to me he genuinely claims he would never say something like that.

Regretfully, I did tell him I thought he was poorly, examples above making it pretty obvious that something is very wrong, and that if he wakes up and realises hes made a massive mistake, that i love him, I care about him, I care about our family, and I will take him back and help him get better. He said he loves me, he wants me, I will always be the best thing that ever happened to him, that I am the most beautiful and amazing woman hes ever known, but if he wakes up and realises he regrets everything, hes just going to kill himself.

I know most people think I'm naive, which i might possibly be, love will do that. But something is seriously not right with him.

The boys are doing mostly great, we have crying days (like yesterday) and days i can keep them mostly distracted. They don't understand whats going on and they think he will come back. Their little broken hearts make my heart hurt even more. When he left he told the kids he "had a broken head" and couldn't be here for us anymore, and all our 6yo keeps saying is that he needs to get a plaster onto Daddys head so we can fix him and he can come home. I want the boys with me, but I'm annoyed he doesn't have to witness their pain like I have to.

I've followed your thread but not commented yet. The paranoia suggests all is not rosy, my ex has twice gone through periods of bizarre paranoia, his has always revolved around his neighbours. I seriously worried about him at one point... Both times it happened he was being shady in various parts of his life, the paranoia seemed to me like a projection of his own guilt. While simultaneously not actually accepting responsibility for his own shadiness or acknowledging he had good reason to feel guilty.

I'm concerned for you, because while assigning all this to illness might be helpful for you to stave off the worst feelings of abandonment. It's also gives him a convenient cover for his behaviour. I'm not saying he's acting, but I'm saying...don't take refuge in the idea of this being an illness and prevent your own progress. You can actually make your way out of this hell on your own...you just possibly don't feel strong enough right now.

Anyway, I wish you the best. You've been strong and resilient and loving and you didn't deserve any of it

@BookishBabe it sounds horrendous. Whatever is happening with that OW it’s not sweetness and roses. What he has said suggests he does know he is very unwell. None of it makes sense. You have told him there is a way back from this if he’s willing to get medical help and that’s all you can do. Sounds like you are being incredibly strong for your sons and they will never forget that. Protect them and look after yourself.

Have you had any conversations with the OW? If she thinks this is normal behaviour she obviously isn’t well either or is so focused on having ‘a man’ she doesn’t care that she is part of his spiral. It definitely isn’t a love story.

Personally, I would not be letting him in the house with the things he is saying about cameras etc. He seems to be experiencing something like psychosis and this may make you and your children unsafe.

Have you shared your concerns with his mum, as you spoke with her before?

You cannot fix him. You cannot love him to health. He isn't returning to the partner you knew.

Bringing him back into your home may initially be a relief for you and the children but it will quickly unravel and have long term impact on your children. Save yourselves this.

With it without this OW your life is forever changed. You MUST prioritize your children and not take him back into their home.

I work in acute MH. It will take a long time, if he is proactively working on his own health before he is stable enough to be responsible for children. He's not even admitting he needs to do anything yet so it's a long way off.

I'm so sorry.

I've shared my concerns with everyone. But mostly people think I'm a bitter ex wife or "as long as he's happy, then its okay".
But he's not.
We had an argument because his mental state was getting really bad, and its almost like me telling him to leave just completely pushed him over the edge. He acts like he's living his best life, but makes constant comments under his breath about how hes miserable, a piece of shit, messed up his life, pretending to be happy, and hes made his bed.
He has a mental illness and has done for a long time, whether he's with me and our children, or some other woman and her children, he's still going to have that mental illness.

He sounds like he has tipped over into frank psychosis. This is no longer a question of you loving him. He is a potential danger to you and the children. Stop trying to let him ir ask him to be a normal separated parent. His paranoia and his beliefs are real to him—if he “cut something out of his arm” he can cut something out ofthe children . There have been several real life horror events when one or more members of a family become obsessed by irrational beliefs. He and his new woman are in a folie a deux and reinforce each other. Report, report, report.

Bet the Ow is thoroughly regretting this now and I guarantee she won’t tolerate this for long, so he’s going to come back begging. However, there is no way he should be living with you and your children, he doesn’t sound safe given how paranoid he is. Cut out something from his arm?! I don’t think you should allow him to move back in.

At some point, you’re going to have the revelation of how poor the quality of your life actually was with him. I hear you talking about co-dependence and that’s exactly it, not true love. It’s habit, you got together young, you need to live without him for a while to try to establish a new normal. Please don’t just allow him back.

The only thing that stands out for me is feeling scared and worried for you and your children about letting this man into your home.
No matter how long you have been together or how much you think you know him, this is not safe!

I would not be letting my children anywhere near him.

So sorry that you are going through this.

We had an argument because his mental state was getting really bad…

Stop!

stop worrying about his mental health. Focus on what you need to do, which is getting rid of him and building a new life with your children.

Stop indulging this fantasy that you can ‘help’ him, he’ll see the light and return to you, and you’ll live happily ever after.

Not going to happen.

I have only just joined Mumsnet and just came across your post
first of all you are absolutely not alone. You will get through this stronger and happier.
I don’t know how old you are but in guessing you’re much younger than me. I’m 53 and have had a lifetime of awful toxic relationships and always thought I could make it better but of course I couldn’t and I just broke myself down trying.
luckily I’m here and strong and with an amazing loving loyal ( and damned sexy 🤭) man. He truely loves me, just the way I am. I’m a big gobby, say too much and have my funny ways. But he loves me quirks and all.
so I’m glad my life panned out this way. I have safety and someone who adores me which I’ve never had!
and I also have my 4 daughter so all the sad years weren’t for nothing.
it’s so bloody hard when you’re heartbroken and can’t see beyond how sad you are. Things are a struggle. It’s so hard. I didn’t get any help and brought my girls up virtually alone.
but I did it and so will you.
please reach out to anyone, I am a great listener and can chat for England so please don’t feel alone
xx

And I agree with something said in a previous reply. You will one day look back and think.. “why did I think that relationship was good”.
you’ve been with him for so long and it just becomes the norm, you can’t imagine a life not as a couple with him. But I promise you there are good men out there. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be cherished and be their perfect woman. And don’t settle for what this man has done to you. Cheating is unforgivable in my opinion. It’s tainted and you can’t go back.
he will do it new his new woman. It’s only a matter of time.
I imagine you are much younger than me so I’m thinking of you as I would one of my daughters.
I will never let them be treated the way I was. They know their worth and you should too.
it took me far to long to know mine and it breaks my heart to think of the younger me being walked over.
I think you’re being so strong. Us mums are amazing. We.carry on even when we feel broken.
it’s the worst feeling, like grieving a death. Big time will pass and you’ll come out the other side.
you’ll be stronger, more confident and feel more beautiful. Each day your heart will heal a bit more. And unlike him you can hold your head up high 🥰
sorry im waffling. I can’t sleep either as I’m not all that well so this website is a godsend for me 🤣x