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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's left me.

316 replies

BookishBabe · 24/06/2025 23:46

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 03/07/2025 18:44

Over time you’ll heal and see you’ve dodged a bullet.
Some of the things you’ve said about him indicate that he is abusive: telling you he’d kill you all if you left, the fact you had to constantly make sure not to get him angry, the threesome suggestion, the things he’s said to you since leaving, the immature unwillingness to have his own children on his own and therefore knowingly risking you your job and the benefits it brings to you, leaving you with 2 disabled children and the lies he’s told you and the other woman.
He’s really not a pleasant person.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2025 18:59

@BookishBabe

Wow! You are really being put through the mill!

FWIW here's my two cents (in no particular order)

His mental health is no longer your problem. Drop that rope. If you think 'getting help' going to magically restore him and restore your marriage, it won't. Not all people with mental health issues cheat, and not all cheaters have mental health issues. He is simply who he is. Besides, he hasn't been diagnosed with anything, other than being a magnificent arsehole.

As far as why why why did he do this, you know, I've found that it really doesn't matter, it doesn't lessen the pain, and it won't change anything. So instead of focusing on 'why', focus on 'what next for me'. Which leads me to......

See a solicitor. Doing so doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. It just means you're educating yourself as to what the coming divorce may mean to you and DC. Whether you have gazillions or diddly squat, there will be legalities involved with the divorce that's soon coming. Take a 'snapshot' of your family finances, income/outgo, account balances, etc and show it to the solicitor. They'll be able to give you some idea of what you may be able to expect. They'll also be able to tell you what is 'likely' as far as child arrangements and maintenance. Chances are he isn't going to want 50/50 as that will interfere with his 'new life', but you need to figure out what will work best for you.

As far as your job, as long as you know the children will be safe, you need to bite the bullet as far as them being around OW. I know, it hurts. But you have to think long term, not just 'tomorrow'. And long term, keeping your job is important. You want to be as self supporting as you can.

So, you still love him. That's to be expected. Don't try to deny it that only makes it take longer to 'get over'. Accept it and say "Yes, I still love the sonofabitch, but I won't always. It will pass in time". When 'those feelings' come, don't wallow. Instead just let them roll over you like a wave. If you've ever swum in the ocean you know that fighting the waves does no good. But if you relax and just keep your head above water, eventually the wave dissipates and you can swim safely to shore.

It's important to keep your dignity. That's the part about not doing the pick me dance and trying like hell not to cry or show emotion in front of him. Don't show visible anger. React calmly and cooly no matter what the provocation. Remember the phrases "That's your opinion", "I'll have to think about that", "I'll get back to you on that", and "I'll have to discuss that with my solicitor". They'll cover just about every situations. Oh and the MN famous "That doesn't work for me".

You wonder why he's being so nasty? I have found that men who leave their families because of their dicks often are. They want you to gaily wave them off without a scene, so it angers them when you get upset. But then when you manage to be calm and cool they get angry that you aren't falling to pieces over 'losing them'. Can't win for losing, can we? Assholes.

The most important thing is to put yourself first, take care of yourself first. In doing so, you will also put your children first because having a healthy, calm (and eventually happy) mum is the best gift you can give them.

You'll get through this. You really will. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

HAB75 · 03/07/2025 23:03

BookishBabe · 03/07/2025 16:11

Can I PM you?
Just to add more information thats more personal?

Yes you can, although I don't know how that is done. If you know, then please.do go ahead.

BookishBabe · 04/07/2025 02:45

Oh gosh. That was crap.
Managed to get more sleep than usual, but i was having a dream that my husband was a prick and was flirting with other women and his ego was loving it, I started to wake up and my mind said "its okay, just tell him about it and you'll feel better" and then and gut punch all over again.
I had completely forgotten for those couple groggy seconds that he'd left me.

OP posts:
Uol2022 · 04/07/2025 04:10

Oh that must have been awful. I’m so sorry. Gradually your mind will stop torturing you. Gradually you will process what’s happened and find a way forward, but it hurts so much to go through it. Just wanted to send some hugs, in case you’re still lying awake. I hope you did manage to sleep again, and more peacefully x

BookishBabe · 04/07/2025 05:36

Uol2022 · 04/07/2025 04:10

Oh that must have been awful. I’m so sorry. Gradually your mind will stop torturing you. Gradually you will process what’s happened and find a way forward, but it hurts so much to go through it. Just wanted to send some hugs, in case you’re still lying awake. I hope you did manage to sleep again, and more peacefully x

Thank you.

I got a bit more sleep, but this time there was a tornado and tsunami and he just stood there watching instead of trying to save us.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 04/07/2025 10:04

I think your subconscious is desperately trying to warn you what a calus, unsafe person he is.

As horrible as the situation is, at least your mind is doing it's job overtime to try to protect you.

Maybe if they persist you could try sitting quietly and saying to yourself, 'i hear you, he is not allowed back' and imagine yourself in a protective ball of brilliant, warm white light that he cannot penetrate.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 04/07/2025 12:07

BookishBabe · 04/07/2025 05:36

Thank you.

I got a bit more sleep, but this time there was a tornado and tsunami and he just stood there watching instead of trying to save us.

Oh wow, that's very descriptive.
And distressing for you.

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 00:14

Your dream is correct, he doesn't care what happens to any of you, he is not your rescuer, your friend or your companion. I am so sorry. The sooner you are able to believe that truth, the sooner you can start to escape from him.

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 04:05

6 hour chunk of sleep tonight 💪🏻
Another nightmare, but I suppose that comes with the territory.

OP posts:
Outofthemoonlight · 05/07/2025 06:25

What @Uol2022 said - “Gradually your mind will stop torturing you”…

look after yourself, eat healthily, drink plenty of water, and try and focus on the fact that this too WILL pass.

one day you will be so, so glad that you escaped from this man who was happy to hurt you so much.

Serenitymummy · 05/07/2025 08:26

Thinking of you today lovely. You sound so strong in all your messages and you're doing the right thing by your kids. I hope today is ok and you can just show him what an idiot he's been by being your wonderful amazing self. Hope it goes ok

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/07/2025 10:44

........one day you will be so, so glad that you escaped from this man who was happy to hurt you so much

Yes.
@BookishBabe You don't understand or believe this yet, but you will, eventually.

I'm glad you slept a little better.

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 11:02

Still very much in love with him, or at least the old him

I went from "I'd never, ever take him back".

To "well, if he came back and agreed to X, Y Z, then maybe we could make it work".

Maybe I'm not as strong as I think.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 05/07/2025 11:34

Noone would judge you, its easy saying to stay strong but quite another doing it when you love him.
I really think he has treated you abysmally, however, if you want him back you need to stay strong with your boundaries. He won't respect you and he needs to miss you. Don't be ringing him etc.
I hope you see shortly that you can do so much better than him.

Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 12:12

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 11:02

Still very much in love with him, or at least the old him

I went from "I'd never, ever take him back".

To "well, if he came back and agreed to X, Y Z, then maybe we could make it work".

Maybe I'm not as strong as I think.

There is no old him. There is the bad man who treated you like crap and is cheating on you, and that's all. He is a bad person and a liar and a cheat, you just didn't know it before.

It's not about being strong, you are still processing shock and grief, and your mind has not yet accepted the reality that he is your enemy and doesn't care about you.

I am sorry to speak so bluntly to you. I am very sorry for what you are going through.

You deserve better. And it WILL get better if you can just keep him out of your life.

Please try to keep busy, distraction is one of the only real therapies for grief and loss that ever worked for me.

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2025 12:18

BookishBabe · 04/07/2025 05:36

Thank you.

I got a bit more sleep, but this time there was a tornado and tsunami and he just stood there watching instead of trying to save us.

So this is all very good! Your subconscious is moving you forward. Try nighmare restructuring to move forward.

Think about these dreams and write them down. Take the most recent and reflect on it. If you could change this dream and end it in a different way how would that look?

For example in the tsunami you could suddenly meet Liam Hemson as a heroic boat captain who sails up and loads you snd the children snd the pets onto his boat and takes you to safety on his tropical island.

If its an earthquake maybe the earth splits and you find a hidden world underneath your house that you and the children climb down and explore.

Maybe your favorite super hero rescues you and you fly far away from harm and him thinking to yourself “fat lot of good he is in an emergency.”

Meditate on your preferred ending for a few seconds five times during the day. Sometimes you can rewire your brain and bring your unconscious mind into alignment with your conscious desires and reality.

thiswilloutme · 05/07/2025 12:35

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 11:02

Still very much in love with him, or at least the old him

I went from "I'd never, ever take him back".

To "well, if he came back and agreed to X, Y Z, then maybe we could make it work".

Maybe I'm not as strong as I think.

you fell in love with someone who no longer exists. People change, your husband has, mine did too. The husband of my courtship, marriage and early years together is not the man he is today. Frankly I would not look twice at the man he is today - or the man he was when he decided the marriage was over.

i can now look back on those years and fondly remember the man I lost, he was lovely, supportive, adored me etc. That is NOT who he is now, 15 years after the 24yr marriage ended.

You will have to grieve the loss of that man you married at some point, but he is no longer your friend now. He will not treat you fairly, be prepared for that. Something has switched in his brain. I wish I'd been on MN when my marriage ended, I would have seen how common it is, I would have learned about "The script" and I would have been more prepared to fight my corner re. finances and the DC. I was a deer caught in headlights. Learn from the wise women of MN and be prepared.

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 12:42

I'm just very, very chatty.
And he's always listened to everything I've had to say, no matter how insignificant or silly. And hes been off work for 6 months, so I've been able to talk about anything and everything whenever I felt like it.

And now I haven't really got any one to talk to.
Ive reached out to family, and they've been much more present than I ever could have imagined. But its not the same, and its not him. And I'm just angry that I've not just lost my husband, I really have lost my best friend.

OP posts:
Boddica2000 · 05/07/2025 12:46

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 12:42

I'm just very, very chatty.
And he's always listened to everything I've had to say, no matter how insignificant or silly. And hes been off work for 6 months, so I've been able to talk about anything and everything whenever I felt like it.

And now I haven't really got any one to talk to.
Ive reached out to family, and they've been much more present than I ever could have imagined. But its not the same, and its not him. And I'm just angry that I've not just lost my husband, I really have lost my best friend.

Yeah. When my ex husband cheated on me years ago, one thing that really struck me was how confusing and distressing it was that I kept wanting to talk to HIM about how much he had hurt me. He was my emotional abuser (cheating is always abuse) and my mind just kept going to him, my instinct was to turn to him and then I would remember, over and over and over, like ramming into a wall - he's the one who hurt you, not the one who will protect you. It's one of the worst aspects about the abusive behaviour of cheating.

Over time, it passed. I am glad you have other people to support you.

pikkumyy77 · 05/07/2025 12:52

Get a parrot? Maybe a new pet id too much work right now but, Seriously, plan on getting a new pet or take a stuffed animal and make it your new confidante. He an be replaced. Make that your mission.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/07/2025 12:55

I'm so sad for you @BookishBabe

I do understand how you feel. It's torture.

Outofthemoonlight · 05/07/2025 13:50

A friend of mine went through a difficult relationship breakdown. She found that talking to one of her children’s stuffed animals really helped.

BookishBabe · 05/07/2025 18:21

Just cried at Bluey.
Something I wasnt prepared for.

We used to watch it together before bed.
When the theme tune shouted "Mum" the boys pointed at me.
And when it shouted "Dad" they pointed at their Dad.
Well, we put it on, they still pointed at me, but at the Dad part we all looked at each other confused.

And then I had to leave and cry.

OP posts:
Sunflowers67 · 06/07/2025 00:50

Well done on finding a 'trigger' - now you know what it is and you can re-write it. Dont stop watching as it is one of your family traditions, do something else at the 'dad' part - maybe a shrug of the shoulders or a hand wave?
The crying is good - it's healing - just accept it, cry your eyes out and then have a cuppa.
Yes I know it feels bloody awful and sad - but pretty soon it wont - this is all progress.

You are currently on the bumpy road and I remember it so well but it will flatten out, I promise 🌻

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