He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

Its just another lie. Its a humblebrag so he can bring the new wife appliance to deal with the kids.

We should help OP by helping her direct her anger at lying mcliar rather than allowing his covert narc bragging and whining to have any validity.

You could also add

'ps, just because I'm told it's a common lie men tell (the contrary) up until very recently i had no idea our marriage was in trouble. We have sex daily and whilst I thought he may have been having mental health struggles lately, I had no idea he'd cheat. Thought you aught to know incase he's span you a yarn as even though what you've done isn't nice, I understand it may be the result of manipulation and I think women should look out for eachother, even when we are hurting'.

Again though,you don't want her to ditch him any time soon I suppose...not until you're strong enough not to take him back.

@BookishBabe im proud with how you are dealing with it. You are finally seeing the truth. You are amazing. Him discarding you like nothing after telling you you’re everything to him means he can as easily do it to her. He’s trying to hurt you and your children or he is incredibly weak. Either way it’s awful behaviour and incredibly unattractive. He really isn’t the man you thought he was.

i would say something along these lines
You are their father and have a right to see them. It’s up to you what you do with them on Saturday but as you know they are incredibly fragile right now and know that OW is the reason you are no longer living with the family. Her being there will be very upsetting for them when they just want to see you. Knowing this, if you choose to bring her along, you either don’t care about the wellbeing of your sons or you are too weak to stand up for them. It’s not their fault your Ow is insecure. I can’t make you act like a decent father. This decision is down to you.

I found an old thread that id read many years ago. Your H may not be following it exactly, but there are a few elements there.

Saffysmum
Twunt followed "the script" down to the letter, therefore I feel, like many lovely people on here who helped me identify the script, as somewhat of an expert.

They become very self absorbed, and determined to 'find the happiness they deserve'. They feel they are entitled to this, regardless of the fallout to the family they leave. Before leaving, they often detach themselves from their family. This is giving them a headstart - they know they're going, so they leave mentally. Twunt became cruel, distant and cold. I felt I was constantly being tested and found lacking. I later realised that nothing I did or said would have changed his mind, but he was quite happy for me to feel all the responsibility for the crumbling of the marriage (22 years). He didn't have the guts to actually go, so behaved so appallingly that I threw him out.

They become angry with you. Twunt wanted out for almost a year before he left. He had told me he no longer loved me, but he wanted to leave when he wanted to. I took the initiative, threw him out one Wednesday, and started divorce proceedings the next Wednesday. The anger radiated off him in waves. I was stunned by this - because I thought I'd given him what he wanted. The wise ladies on here nodded sagely and said "Of course he's angry....he's furious with you". When I asked why, they explained that this is typical. He wanted to control things. Perhaps he wanted to return at some point if life with Lady Twunt didn't work out. Perhaps he wanted to stay with Lady Twunt, and start divorce proceedings himself, when it suited him. Perhaps he wanted to carry on having "the happiness he deserved" without reality and divorce petitions bursting his fantasy bubble.

In order to justify their appalling treatment of us, they have to re-write history. We become weak, nagging, a pain to live with. "See!" they cry to all who will listen "she was unbearable - I tried so hard, but she was a nightmare, so demanding...I had do do everything".

They then get the biggest shock of all, when we again burst their bubble. I had the audacity to be ok. To file for divorce. So I wasn't the weak little woman he had tried to tell everyone I was. I could cope without him. So, ditto more anger.

They do everything in their power to hold up the divorce. They don't want to return, but they are bloody fuming that they are no longer running the show. "This is all moving too fast" bemoaned Twunt last September as he ignored yet another solicitor's letter.

They are not happy, and they may well have regrets, but they feel so justified that what they are dong is right, they become more and more self centred and obsessed. Twunt started dressing more and more like a member of JLS, complete with fake tan and an admirable collection of L'Oreal for Men products. This was in complete contrast to the pre-twunt days, when he looked like a normal middle aged bloke. This caused much mirth from teenage kids when he deigned to visit, and we still giggle over the lycra running shorts.

They loathe being ignored. Twunts ego was being massaged by Lady Twunt, but she was/is found lacking; he's bloody furious that I am coping and am happier than he is. "How can she be happy! She's not with me - it's impossible" I bet he thinks. So he gets petty and nasty to the kids. They, having learnt from their mother, ignore him too. So he argues over the settlement to try and take some control back. To try and make himself matter to us. We ignore this, and he stops paying the maintenance. My SHL (Shit hot lawyer) rolls her eyes, gives him a slap and puts him back in his place, increasing the maintenance just because she can.

They sulk. Things are not going according to plan. This isn't the way it was meant to work out. THEY DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.
They want sympathy. They tell you that they would like you to 'work on the kids' on their behalf. They act hurt and wounded when you tell them to f*ck off.

They are getting really desperate now, so stop caring too much about how they look. They are seen lurking in Tesco's minus fake tan and eye gel. They tell friends they are "coping" but "sad that things have turned out like this...all they wanted was to be happy".

(Where I am now). They move house (again) and try to buy the kids with expensive phones. They fall over backwards to offer lifts and even say they will lay on parties for the kids. They feel hurt and wounded when kids tell them to stick their phones.....

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1486878-Departed-cheating-scumbags-who-follow-a-script?reply=32141356&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

OMG what a twat!!!

Where do these men spring from.

I just read all of your thread and I’m sorry he’s hurt you so badly. It’s great that you can still see your own worth despite it all.

One very noticeable thing when you describe your relationship before was you said he would get angry with you if you did something he didn’t like, and you were fully focused on trying to please him all the time. That doesn’t sound at all healthy and I think that when you dedicate that same level of energy into looking after only yourself and your boys you will amaze yourself by how much you will achieve.

You might find this a helpful approach for dealing with whatever shit he and OW try pulling over the next few weeks and months. https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-70/

Good luck.

You should laugh and say “that’s the second time I’ve heard that today!” Then smile and shut the conversation down.

You need to distance yourself from him. Don't let him in, conversation about kids only - shut down any conversation re his partner. Stay strong.

What did you say to this? I hope you told him your next man will treat it better. Then told him to enjoy his selfish life.

The best punishment is being totally uninterested in him. The opposite of love isn’t hate. If you are angry with him he knows he still has power over you. Even if you have to fake it just don’t react to anything he says. Just mentally roll your eyes. He will hate losing control of you and it allows you to start detaching.

I had an ex and thought I would never be loved by anyone else again.

He went on and procreated with his girlfriend and then left her after she had two children with him.

It took me years to get over him - I think about 7 or 8 years. I realised it wasn’t him that I missed, it was the person I was at that stage of my life.

My biggest concern is you dealing with two children who have special needs. You will meet someone else but you need to make sure their father has his children at least 50% of the time.

I’m watching my sister in law go through a divorce. She was initially devastated, then devastated again when they listed their house for sale and devastated again when he started seeing someone new (they are still married).

The last time I saw her she has been so happy. She’s in a new house, she’s seeing someone new and she’s just happier.

You need to move on. You will be happier, but only if you get out of the house.

I'd let him take the children out with her. Pick your battles. Either she will be sweetness and light and they will be fine or she won't want to repeat the experience. Be totally honest with your DC. And when he is having contact take time for you. Ask your GP for a gym voucher. If you take exercise you will start to feel better. Join a single parent group and make new friends. I know how badly you are suffering but it will really help to grab back some power over your life. And screw the pair of them. Hope karma arrives and flattens them

@BookishBabe I just read all your posts.
You've gone from numb and sad to angry and that is the right direction to be going in on this one.
You have support from several places which is amazing (especially from his mum!)
And you are no longer defined by this man. You need to remember that. He does not define you, YOU define you. And as you move forward in life and find joy in the day to day of your kids and your existence you'll be free from this man and the hold he has had on you. It will take time, but you will happy and free.

Map out 16 years from the day he dumped you. Do you plan on letting him define you and being the only man to love you for another 16 years? Certainly not! Try this thought experiment. Look at the calendar 16 years out. What do you want your life to be like then? Lust those things. Then start cutting back by halves. 8? 4? 2? 1? 6 months? Lust (haha: ETA to fix this perfect typo. It should read list )what you want your life to be full of at each point. Forget the ladt 16 years. You got your two children out of the wreckage and that has to be enough. Now look forward to the next 16. They will be as full if challenge and wonder and, yes, love as you let them.

Oh shit.
My post is trending 😬
It's obviously very identifying.

Why do you think that? Its not identifying so much as people identify with it.

You're doing great, even though you don't feel like it. Limit contact to a parenting app, so there's a record. If a friend or family member could do the handovers of the DC that might help too. It will take time but you need to cultivate indifference towards him. Anger might power you through these first weeks but simply not caring what he is doing/thinking/feeling will be better.

Just putting my pennies worth in - having read the whole thread I can say:
You are amazing
He is a bell-end not worth fighting for
He will be grovelling back soon - please send him packing when he does.
You are getting stronger and you will continue to each day
Don't let him put you on the spot - just say "leave that with me and I will let you know" - rather than make snap decisions.

Just keep going - you wonderful, amazing, strong, beautiful woman 🌻

I'm so sorry this has happened - you are obviously devastated and I'm sorry that someone who sounds as good as you is going through this. I'm also delighted that you're seeing a professional because experiences like this are traumatic - where severe mental health issues are concerned, it is more than a normal break-up. This is because the other person has changed, but you can't exactly grasp what's going on with them. Is this a permanent change? Is it fleeting? Is this them? What version did I have before? Was there something I should (or shouldn't) have done? The answer to that is absolutely not a single thing. Should I have done more for the other person? Likewise. Might they seek help and revert? These are all thoughts that are extra to the "normal" sort of break-up. More unknowns can mean greater trauma, so you getting yourself to the counsellor was a brilliant choice. Be kind to yourself at all times. That you are acting so brilliantly in front of your children - I think that will only do you good too.

This is far too soon, but when otherwise is there an opportunity, so I'll be brief. You said he has MH problems. Given that promiscuity has reared its head, I'm going to assume that these are severe. It is certainly a warning you get with bipolar, and I imagine BPD, schizophrenia and similar get the same warning. Start to feel like a randy goat? You're not well - sort yourself out.

Oh yes, as patients we are warned. We are taught to respond to this particular big red flag, and trot meekly to the psychiatrist/therapist/whoever when it starts waving. This isn't a side effect - it is a well known symptom. And we are read this riot act. I can only assume he will have heard the same at some point. If he has decided to ignore this, it is all on him - all of it.

I won't try to imagine any boundaries you've let him push over, but you were absolutely right to stop at this one if that is how strongly you feel about it. Thinking longer term, it will be more important that you put your foot down, than you capitulated. You have staved off an unpleasant long-term horrible and nagging regret that could have plagued your thoughts for years. Then what's not to say, if he continues to ignore his MH, that there could have been another demand, and then another? He sounds thoroughly selfish and I am going to state strongly, as someone who was diagnosed with bipolar I 30 years ago, that MH is not an excuse for selfishness. It is occasionally an explanation, but never an excuse.

While you will have to process your grief now, my prediction is that you will never regret taking this stand and that it will in time become a source of strength. You're going to be regaining your sense of self rapidly now, thanks to his selfishness, and I also make a prediction that you will like what you find. I wish you all the very best.

Yes, to EVERYTHING you said.
Is this the real him? Or was the old him the real him? Should I look after him? Should I try and make him better? Will he come back? Will he wake up and hes back to MY husband? I tried to get him to get help but he hated it. He said if I ever had him sectioned he'd kill himself because I'd be taking me and the boys away from him.

I did think bipolar, but it only came to my mind because I mentioned the other day he was acting bizarre, and he said hes manic. And it did get me thinking.

I can say with absolute certainty, this man did love me. And for 15 and a half years it was absolutely wonderful.
Its just these past few months hes been declining fast.

Or, am I just holding out hope that he'll return to the man I loved for all those years? Or is he gone forever? And this cold, unloving, selfish man that just wants everything his own is left?

As far as I'm aware he's not getting enough help for his mental health. But we did try when we were together and the NHS waiting lists are long and hes refused to push it.

@BookishBabe he wants to see his boys. I expect they want to see him.
It's highly likely that the OW will be less interested in him when she finds herself looking after two disabled DC.

He's a nasty piece of work, who has lied to you and manipulated both you and the OW.

I believe that you need to prioritise your job now, paying no attention to your ex. It's important for your self-esteem and to keep money coming in.

He's been absolutely awful about everything, including his children's needs.

Report your post and ask MNHQ to remove this thread from Trending if you are worried.

I have not been able to read all the posts but I have to reiterate what I'm sure others have said - you have to pull yourself together. Find a way to act indifferent to him when you see him. Don't text him. Don't call his mother. Go to work, take care of your children (easier said than done, I know) and hold your head high. You have done nothing wrong. Let this story trend - let it all get out there. They are the ones who should fear that. I wonder how the OW will like being known as the skank who was sleeping with one of the school dads? The school moms are all thinking that it could have just as easily been their husband. She didn't fall head over heels for your husband. She was on the prowl.

You said in one of your posts: "for 15 years we were pretty much pure bliss". There is not one thing you have mentioned about his behavior in your marriage that sounds like pure bliss. My bet is that 6 months they are over and by then you will have your equilibrium back and you will see that it was never pure bliss. You deserve so much better and surely your kids do. Keep telling yourself that. Fake it until you make it. Take care of you.

Mania can't be much else (only schizoaffective disorder, and you wouldn't have had 15.5 wonderful years if that was the diagnosis) and the sexual element is quite key. I was read the riot act 25 years ago in an absolutely horrible appointment where I was first given Lithium (a mood stabiliser) and I can still remember that promiscuity warning now, with an absolute Swiss cheese memory otherwise. That psychiatrist really knew which lever to pull.

Oh my word, I honestly forget. I fell ill 30 years ago and I had amazing treatment for about 16 years. And then the coalition came in and it literally fell off a cliff. But all the best work the NHS could do had been done by then, so I took up the reins and got myself all the way to remission without much more professional assistance. I'm not even attached anymore - I just have the GP.

Nowadays it is totally different. It is worse by far than it was when mine fell off a cliff. I simply do not believe that there is a single NHS trust that is anything higher than Inadequate. Those that are Requires Improvement and even Good are likely inadequate and Outstanding probably means 'passable'. And I'll tell you how your chap feels because it is how mine feels; "if it was that important, if I was that unwell, then someone would help. Obviously I'm not sick enough to deserve help, because I'm not getting it." Unfortunately that logic just does not stack up.

So I was thinking about this the other day and I would now go private. It is obviously expensive, but what price health? If I ever feel bad again, I'm going private. And that is from someone who could have gone private all along, but actually chose the NHS, a) on principle and b) because at the time I thought it would be best. It probably was, 30 years ago...

If he wants help - and that's up to his sorry self, I have to say - is there any way you can scrape up enough to see someone locally? If Harley Street isn't your local, the fees may be a bit less than you'd fear. It could open up a can of worms in terms of expense, in which case your GP would have to expedite you into the NHS system saying that he was mid-treatment, at risk, and the money had run out (or some such thing). Or it may be just a few visits and sorted out. But that would be my choice, because my local trust is Inadequate and boy, is it inadequate - one full time psychiatrist covering two large counties. Tell your chap that mania and promiscuity go together in so many like hand in hand. Perhaps tell him you'll help him to do that, but not to do anything else.

You can only lead the horse to water, and THIS IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY, NOT YOURS, but the NHS pond isn't even a puddle. It makes me very angry, as you can probably tell, and I'm a bit too direct when angry - I hope you won't take offense to anything I've written.

Great advice @BookishBabe

Can I PM you?
Just to add more information thats more personal?

Please, please don't believe that you have a responsibility to pay for private health care for your cheating ex!

Let the skanky OW foot the bill.