He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

I really thought i had a good one.
If anyone asked me i would have said he would never have done this to me (don't a lot of wives say that though?).
But here we are.

@BookishBabe Typical! Blaming depression and sleeping around.
You won’t feel it op but your worth so much more and he has down you a favour.

the only person who had ever loved me or wanted me doesn't want me anymore.

You’ve lived your life monogamously so you’ve not been open to other people loving you, but you can have that now. He’s let you go, and you can and will find someone who loves you how you deserve to be loved when you’re ready.
He’s after a shallow life of shagging around. It’s highly likely he’ll find it really isn’t the opium fields of women ready to throw themselves at him when he gets there, or he’ll find himself down some rank avenues scraping the barrel in grim situations. If the novelty of this wears off he’ll be back and I hope the thought of accepting this sullied man back will put you right off him, or he’ll be happy with shallow living where gratuitous sex is prioritised over any meaningful relationships in his life, and you’ll see that wasting your love and effort on someone so unworthy is beneath you. It sounds like you’ve already bent over backwards and lost some of yourself to ‘keep’ him. It’s so painful, but you need to let him go and in doing so, find yourself again. 💕

Yes, I have given up parts of myself, my boundaries and my independence in some desperate attempt for him to love me enough. But it was never enough, I don't think this new person will be enough for him either.
I just don't know how to adult on my own, he's my first boyfriend and I married him. I am absolutely codependent.
I didn't choose this and now I'm in so much pain and he's got everything he wants and it just doesnt feel fair.

The pain is absolutely suffocating, but in 6 months, a year, it won’t be as debilitating. You need to put yourself first in every thought and choice you make now - check in with yourself and ask ‘am I doing this for me?’ ‘Does this make my life better’? Because you’ve been given the gift to do that now - treat it as just that, a gift. Love is not love if you have to change yourself to make someone love you.
This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done most likely but the old adage ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’ is so true. I suspect this will be the making of you - you’ll find how to live independently, for yourself and your kids and in time you will find someone who does love you for you, but only when you see your own worth and realise you are enough for you. You should be very proud of yourself that you held firm to your final boundary - you clearly are a strong woman, raising two DC with their own challenges.
Don’t let him define you - define yourself as the kind, loyal, strong and brave woman you are.

Get counselling, speak to a GP to help you, lean on or build up your support you. Take it a minute, an hour a day at a time and you’ll look up before too long and realise how far you’ve come.

Finding your independence will be hard but also liberating. This time next year you won’t recognise the woman you have become. Because adversity builds character. You’re allowed to be sad for a while and grieve your old life. But was it really that great? You have said you were constantly trying to make him happy and seek his approval and he didn’t give it to you. That is no way to live.

You seem to think that he has had an affair because he’s depressed and has been pushing you away and this is a way to end things. This just isn’t true and don’t be duped into thinking the affair is a symptom of his mental health.

The affair would have bought on depression like behaviours because compartmentalising his affair was causing him mental dissonance. He is in a delusional state and has lost touch with reality (hence his suggestion of a throuple).

Just know you've done the right thing, you didn't want an open marriage so good on you for not just going along with it.
Whatever he is going through at the moment is his problem alone, after a while this fascination with being with other women and having threesomes will never compare with a real connection with someone.

Sending you 💖 surround yourself with people that love and care for you and if you need to cry do it.

Thanks everyone.
I feel like I do need people to say that everything is going to be okay.
Right now I feel like there's so much anger and love and pain and hurt that I just want to tear my skin off to let some of it out.

What do you do if the only shoulder you've had to lean on for 16 years is the person who's hurt you?

Everything will be OK.
It'll just not instantly feel better.
If you need to scream then do. There's a bit in "The Queen and I" where the someone (It might be the queen) lets out an experimental scream and the neighbours rush round and she says she's stood on a drawing pin - but she's wearing wellies.

It'll be better without him. And different.
He's a cock.
Be angry for the life he's stolen from you and grieve for it.

Do you have friends you can lean on? Parents, siblings you can turn to? It IS hard, when you feel as though your heart has been torn out and stomped on and the one person you would automatically turn to is the one who has caused the damage. But you WILL get through this. Talk to anyone and everyone who will listen. Don't feel shame or embarrassment - the shame is all his.

OP please give yourself the time to simply accept what is happening, this is so new and so raw for you it's no wonder you feel so confused and hurt. There is no set time limit for feeling ok again, everyone is different, don't be afraid to turn to others for help, I hope you have a support network you can rely on such as family or friends. Also if you feel you need extra support, contact your GP, absolutely no shame in needing further assistance whether that be via medication or therapy.
You have your shoulders which are broader than you think right now, you will find that strength to soldier on it will come as will future happiness though I appreciate that seems way in the distance right now.
As and when you can try to think of the practical things you will need to do such as contacting a solicitor etc.
Your husband has betrayed you and this is all on him, don't doubt yourself.
Stay strong and lots of luck

@BookishBabe

Have you made an appointment to see a solicitor?

Oh, OP. There is no other pain like this. You will get through this and look back one day, but until then you get through each hour, one hour at a time, doing the basics. You breathe. You try to eat a little to keep your strength up for your children. (Get those meal replacement drinks for dieters.) You do what is necessary and spend a lot of time under duvets, asking why. In your situation I found some comfort in speaking to a friend who was going through similar. She was the only person who had an inkling of how I was feeling.

After six weeks or so, however, I remember that I went shopping and spotted something nice to buy - a small pack of reduced Christmas decorations. It was the first time I'd felt anything but pain and hurt or numbness in that time. I bought them and looking back now I can see that they were a small first step of me doing something for me, making a decision and finding some small joy. The hurt didn't disappear at that point - this is a marathon not a sprint - but it was a surprise beginning of being able to cope, starting afresh . . .

Thinking of you.

The school team have came round today to check on me and the boys. They've offered help and extra support for the kids and counselling for me. I'm taking it. I need help to get through this and be the best I can be for my boys.

I am so angry, there aren't words to describe how angry, disappointed, sad and let down I feel. But we're definitely over, so I've got to start making myself feel better.

Some of the advice on here was echoed from the school safe guarding team, so thank you. I need to spend all that energy on me and the boys now, rather than trying to make a man love me.

I just feel numb and angry and comatose and sad.
I know its only been 24 hours. But he's officially with another woman and I'm dealing with the emotions of our children.

Of course you do. Do you have family or friends who can be with you for a while? You are still in shock, and dealing with your own emotions as well as looking after your dcs. How dare he?!How dare he walk away and expect you to cope like this?? And you will cope, because you love your kids and you are a decent human being. Remember: one hour at a time. Keep breathing. Keep posting here. And accept all of the real life help that's on offer too.

I did say he could spend the day with the boys today because they are too sad and feeling unwell to go to school as they can't stop crying.
But he said he had a date.

Sorry, no need for a solicitor. We don't own anything. We rent, have a separate paid for car each. And all our assets are silly thinks like my books and his xbox, I don't see us fighting over those things.

Thinking about needing a solicitor:
Do you both work and earn roughly the same amount of money?
Do you both have pensions?
Do you plan to share parenting 50/50?

OMG so he's already letting the children down.
I'm so sorry OP. What a complete bastard to do this to you and to them.

He sounds like a right selfish piece of shit.

Do see a solicitor, please. As this pp says, it's not just about assets, but custody, pensions, etc. He may tell you everything can be decided amicably and tell you what you want to hear to keep the peace for now. But that won't last long. He'll soon want to make sure he can live his new life selfishly without any thought for you or your boys. It's best if everything is written down and legally binding. If you get full custody, he will probably need to pay CMS - again, don't let him fool you in deciding an amount himself, that he may change or stop at anytime. He fooled you once, don't let him fool you twice. He broke his vows, you can never trust a word he says again!

And this! He can't keep his word, even after such a short time! You may want full custody, with him seeing them every other weekend and a week day, and if he cancels because he has "plans", don't swap or accommodate or bend over backwards for him. If he misses a contact with his kids, his loss! Your life doesn't revolve around him anymore.
You asked how you can restore your self esteem now the only person who loved you left. First, he isn't the only person who loves you - your boys, your friends, your family, and most importantly, yourself! Your self esteem is built on your self love, not dependent on external validation 🥰

Do you have a pension, though?
Might your payments into it have been reduced if you have reduced your working hours to look after the boys?
You may well need a solicitor for stuff like this?