He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

Make sure he does his fair share of child care and is not allowed to get away with anything. Set up a list of all your demands and fight back. You are worth more than this and you deserve as good a life as he is now seeking. Make sure he knows that and don't bend at all in fighting for your children and your freedom.

I've just read all your posts OP and what stands out to me is that he's a manipulative arse. The fact you tried hard to be a 'good girl' for him reeks of this. Complete lack of respect from him not doing as you had asked when he came round. I wonder if he challenged the OW to stand outside instead of waiting in the car?

Anyway, you sound like an amazing woman. It'll take time to adjust, but you are doing your best for your children even though you are really hurting and that's so important.

@BookishBabe i have just read your thread.

First of all I wanted to tell you that I think you are absolutely flipping amazing!!

Whatever your h used to be he isn’t now. He is a different person to the one you fell in love with.

He has royalty fucked his life up and not too far in the future he is going to come begging. Please stay strong and remember how so much better than him you are.

You are a fantastic mum and from reading your posts a kind lovely person. He however is the complete opposite.

Like everyone on this thread, I care and we are all here for you to get through this shit without needing emotional support from him, you have us.

You will turn a corner I promise when something just clicks and you feel calmer and see a really bright future for yourself and kids that doesn’t involve him apart from his 50/50 childcare.

Sending a big hug and support xx

Dear @BookishBabe My heart breaks for you. It’s the saddest and most difficult situation and on a par with a bereavement I think.
It’s understandable you feel devasted and you are doing so well and dealing with the suddenness of it all ❤️
You are probably doing the following anyway as you sound like you’re on it - but here goes.

1. Give yourself a short time in the day to think and grieve, and then pull yourself back from it - do the box breathing technique and then shoulders back head up and get on with your day. (Tanya Byron with Claudia winkelman has a good podcast on this for help with severe bereavement and I found it very useful ).
2. As you are doing, try and continue to keep your day full of structure and as much fun as you can with your boys. Don’t let your routine go - push through.
3. Keep on top of your house! - keep it feeling good and organised and clean. Maybe change a few things around or new bed clothes if you can afford it - shake a couple of things up so it feels a bit different - but keeping it in order and homely will help you all
4. Keep on top of yourself ! Get up, shower, try some meditation, exercising (free on YouTube) eat as healthily as you can, try and learn new recipes and cooking from scratch with some healthy ingredients. Do this with your boys or when they’re at school. Good healthy food is everything when you’re going through a trauma.
5. Read some self help books - some good ones have been recommended on this thread. Go to the charity shop and look for some and some fun books that you can lose yourself in. Make yourself your biggest project!! You need to be well in mind, body and spirit to keep protecting and nurturing your boys. Keep your day full with this structure of self care for you and your home and your boys.
6. Feel your anger… let that seep in. He has behaved beyond appallingly and there is no other way of looking at it. Try not to think of nice things about him- move your mind to the pain he’s causing you and then move on to how you’re looking after yourself.
7. Get legal advice on the contact. If you don’t want him to have time with the boys and OW demand that at least for the next few months and work out what your rights are. Most solicitors will do a free consultation. Move on to a parenting app for contact of this helps you.
8. After the summer holidays, when your boys are back at school - look to try and get out a few hours a day doing something for you. What do you think you can manage? Volunteering? Small exercise class? Can you do a bit of cash in hand work? Anything to build up your self worth outside of a relationship and help you make new friends.

It all feels daunting and scary and hideous. But I promise you - you don’t know what will happen - something really exciting could be waiting for you around the corner - who knows? Better and better things will happen the more you push through.
You sound incredible so go for it. karma is a bitch and you deserve some good to happen xx

Are you the OW?

HORRIBLE and total bollocks

To the poster that wrote the vile comment that is now deleted. You are nasty piece of work. You are probably a man, a 15 yr old troll or a woman that has taken pleasure out of destroying another woman's life. Likely you are in a situation where you are the affair partner with the false belief that the cheating husband actually loves you or is a bloke worth having. OP, Your ex is a complete dick and nasty with it. He's not the man you thought he was. As for the other woman, what self respecting woman could stand outside your house like that. Shes nothing short of disgusting and I guarantee he will eventually do the same to her. You however sound amazing and in the long run will be fine and better off without him.

Yeah I have to say if I was instrumental in dropping a bomb on someone's life I wouldn’t be standing outside their house gawping like a numpty. Deeply unpleasant person.

I’m going to be brutally honest. Thank fuck he’s gone! Otherwise you would have wasted more of your heart on that waste of space. The truth is you settled with a poor excuse for a human because of many factors. The him that he is being now is the him that always was, it’s just he now feels justified in being out in the open. You are not the reason he is like this, he is.

Grieve away but disengage. All the negative parts of his personality that you ignored will be amplified and become technicolour. The entitled fucker will try and goad and manipulate you and act the victim.

Disengage, disengage, disengage!!!!! The woman you will become in time, will be stronger and happier.

This im afraid op. I'm so sorry. I've had this too. I know the agony. Please see a therapist that truly understands narcissism.

That's great in theory but in reality you cannot force anyone to have kids 50/50. It's an unfair system where non resident parents can demand access but no one can make them parent if they decide to cut contact

@BookishBabe did OW text you from her phone or as him? You can block her if the former. And if the latter and you recognise it’s her you can limit responses to practical stuff and keep it polite - factual and formal.

He’s annoyed with you because you’ve not fallen in a heap and you’ve picked yourself up and got on with it.

I’ve caught up on your updates and you sound stronger. I know it’s hard but honestly, you’re doing great. Keep going! Can he see the kids at his Mum’s sometimes?

He's not your friend OP; he won't be 'amicable'. Please get some legal advice, if only to prove to him that you're serious about contact arrangements,

I am so sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I didn't believe people when they told me there was light at the end of the tunnel. There really is and you will feel amazing when you start to see it, I promise ❤

Move all communication with him onto a court approved parenting app now. No more discussions, block him on anything else.

Sure OW can read his end of the app but tell him he is the only other parent and communication is with him about the DC.

💐

Just come across this thread and I’m bowled over by your strength @BookishBabe and by his appalling behaviour. I think he IS angry with you because you are a constant reminder of his despicable actions- not by anything you say or do but just by existing. There might be a similar, if lesser, attitude towards the kids (but I hope not).

My best tip is prevent yourself from smiling. I’m a real people pleaser but in the last decade I have consciously practised not smiling to strangers or in every interaction. I don’t care if I seem standoffish as long as I’m polite! And I reflect my ex back at him- he was never one to use please or thank you, so unless it’s a major favour, nor do I. I’m still polite, even friendly, but I’ve stopped making him feel like a hero. He isn’t doing me favours when he takes our dc to the dentist, he is parenting! So I use “can you confirm [arrangement that suits me] is possible, cheers” that sort of thing.

reading your posts, I would also be frank to OW if she messages you: “My communication about my children or my relationship with their father needs to be with him directly. I won’t respond to you unless there is a life threatening emergency.”
Again- it’s polite but it’s blunt.

Stay strong mama. You have got this, all of it, and in time you will move out of pain and feel the cool breeze of freedom.

Oh and check out the We Do Not Care Club on Instagram. The handle is justbeingmelani

You talked earlier about telling people your husband left you for an OW.

You reframe it. you say "Sadly, my husband was not emotionally mature enough to sustain a long term relationship" and you give a little shrug.

Mine left for the OW after 24yrs married and 3 DC. I really don't think he's happier now. I am. You will be.

You will be happier than your waste of space husband, I can guarantee it. Not today or tomorrow but one day you'll wake up and you'll feel fine.. good... fabulous even. By that point he will be pestering the OW for a threesome or a throuple. Oh no, what a shame 🤭

You're on the wrong thread @MrsBSaver

It's brutal and it hurts like hell. No, you will never be the same person you were before again, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

It will take time - lots of it. You'll be grief stricken, angry, confused, lost, low in confidence....BUT slowly you will build a new life for yourself, one that it is on your terms.

You will look back on this time and realise that at your most broken, you had an inner strength which carried you through. You will learn to cope with being a solo parent and find outlets for your anger at & disappointment in him.

You will discover that you can enjoy yourself without him, and have moments of peace and happiness in his absence. Then you will feel proud of yourself and start to appreciate your independence.

You will find sources of support where you don't expect it and make new friends who you laugh with. You'll be fiercer and softer all at once.

Of course you can't see your future right now, that's because it doesn't look like what you expected. But you're writing a new story now and your future is there. Different, yes, but good.

💐

Most of us are sat here thinking what a pig this man is; he’s probably been having this affair for ages, is a raging hypocrite for saying he’d kill you if you had met someone else, and leaves his devastated kids for a shag.

We also know that it’s going to take time and that you are behaving either way gracefully and dignity. I applaud you for not allowing this red line to be crossed. Harness the anger you’re feeling and use it to make a secure and happy home for your kids. In the long run, they’ll see how devoted and loving a mother they have. It’s good that you have started counselling and I hope that you will come to realise this is not your fault.

Sending you love and strength.

I think I'm likely to be manipulated and I don't know how to do anything differently to how I've always done it.
He makes me think I'm being unreasonable, and I'm still just trying to make life happy and easy for everyone else.