He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

I am so very sorry. The only way to get through grief is to do the work of grief, though I appreciate you are still in the very early stages of trying to process your new world. I wonder if you might be able to find a counsellor who specialises in processing grief and loss - people often think that's only about death, but it's not. I used to work in grief and loss counselling and often people were dealing with the loss of jobs, homes, and partners to divorce and changed circumstances.

Feeling the pain, allowing yourself to feel it and then move through it and finding ways to do that safely is important.

You are doing so well just getting up and looking after your kids. Try to keep busy if you can, distraction is a great tool when you are experiencing acute loss.

@BookishBabe When you feel wavery about taking him back, read your own replies to people on this thread and see how you angry, distraught and abandoned he's made you and the boys.

I am still all those things.

But the love we shared for so long is choking me.

Grief is harder when they aren't dead <3

there’s some truth in what @chaosmaker says, for sure. It’s so awful to have all the good memories called into question. Not only is the present so full of pain and grief, but you’re left wondering if the good times were even real. And then you have to play nice and act reasonable with the person who created all of this pain. It’s unbearable and yet so many women do survive it and come out the other side. You will too @BookishBabe . Truly.

How was your sleep?

Well, I'm convinced hes for bipolar and is having a manic episode, and when he crashes in a few weeks/months he'll come back to me.
Sooooo, still in denial?
Still sleeping like shit.

Has he shown bipolar symptoms prior to this?

Maybe he is bipolar. Maybe he is having a manic episode and will eventually come down from it and realise he made a mistake.

But if he is bipolar this will keep on happening for the rest of his life without proper medication and acceptance of his condition.

You will live in constant fear that this will happen again. Of course people can manage and live with it but it’s not an easy life. And he is the one who has to commit to doing whatever necessary to keep himself balanced — that won’t be easy. The damage he has and could still do to you and your kids, is extremely painful.

Honestly, if this is what you are hoping for, walking away is still the easier option.

My husband was bipolar, he made our lives hell, their thoughts, words and actions are only for themselves!

I think I'd rather him have left because he is poorly. Rather than I meant nothing.

Yes, I can see lots of the signs now. He was diagnosed with depression, which is also quite common as most people only go to the GP during a depressive episode. The bipolar symptoms is basically a checklist of his behaviour over the last year or so.
I have supported him through everything for years, I didn't mind that because he was what i wanted.
I think we could work this out with medication and therapy. But I need to wait for this manic episode to end and see where his head is at.

I just miss him.
Definitely not feeling as strong as I was last week.
I feel lonely and sad and abandoned.

He would need to get his bipolar under control and accept life long treatment and monitoring before you could consider having him back. The damage to you and the DC flitting in and out with discard behaviour is huge.

As painful as it is start building a life for yourself that doesn’t depend on him as whatever the future holds you and the DC need that.

I told him if he left, I would never take him back.
Now I kind of want to introduce the idea that I'm an option if he works on himself, but without making myself look desperate, or pathetic or worthless.
I would need him diagnosed, medicated, in therapy, probably separate and together.

Or am I just desperate and pathetic and there isnt a way to sugar coat it?
I dont want to be rejected again!

Please do not say to him you would take him back! At the minute he's happy with another woman, let him miss you! Find your pride.
I know its hard, but he has treated you and your sons terribly, he doesn't deserve your angst.

You say absolutely nothing for now, he may not even be bipolar.

It may take so long for him to crash and come back that you have moved on.

You need to emotionally detach from him and your marriage and inch forwards.

OP how would you feel if you waited it out, you got back together and he… did it again?
You would be in a worse state than you are now.
It is like an addiction. You just want a hit to ease the pain a bit.
But sadly it doesn’t work in the long term.
The only thing that works in the long run is to go told turkey. And it’s absolutely horrible.

Please don’t do this to yourself! Never, not ever, consider yourself an option!!

Here is what you said in an earlier post:

“I was treated like an absolute princess alot of the time, but also knew anything could make him angry at me, so I was constantly trying to prove what a good girl I was.”

”trying to prove what a good girl I was”…!!! Can you not see how demeaning this is? You are a grown woman, a mother - why would you pretzel yourself like this for anyone?

please, please focus on what matters and prioritize yourself. Do the (hard) work you need to do to get to a place where you see yourself as a prize rather than an option.

Reminder:

• Freedom Programme
• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling - this 'phase of recovery' is all quite normal and it is utterly horrible.
You are focusing too much on him still. You are bargaining with anything and everything that will take the pain away. Ride the wave, feel the pain, think about taking him back and work through all those thoughts - but do not act on them.

I used to promise myself that if I still felt the same in the morning, or next Thursday or the 1st of July then I would contact him.
These waves pass - but you have to do something when you are in the soul destroying, panic and anxiety inducing grips of them. You need to feel that you are in control of your emotions and not the other way round - that's what causes the panic.

I used to write on here, read a self help book, paint my toenails whilst listening to some hard rock (don't put anything tear jerking on and definitely avoid country and western - it's all about lost love). I even phoned 'the Samaritans' once or twice when I felt too embarrassed and too needy to bother a friend or family member.

It is very early days for you yet - please cut yourself some slack and just keep going - you and your children deserve a much better life and future than this selfish man was offering.
Of course you love him, of course there were amazing, happy times and right now you cannot imagine life without him.

But you will - and right now it is just one day at a time.

Sending you a big hug x

@BookishBabe you are not pathetic or desperate, you’re hurt and feeling rejected. If you can get through the next few weeks you will be OK without him. Please don’t even consider taking him back.

As others have said, he may not be bipolar, even if he is then this could happen repeatedly and do so much more damage to your kids, and you.

Another thing that is hard to accept is that if they suffer episodes of psychosis and altered states, that becomes their new reality. The medication can sometimes help them to see that they were being irrational, but the feelings are still attached to that part of their history. That history is still their lived experience and very real to them. So even if he gets diagnosed and medicated, he may well still feel that the course of action he took was the right one.

You can’t risk it for the boys’ sake. It isn’t just your heart and hurt and self esteem, it’s theirs too. Every time he leaves, it’s telling them that they aren’t enough for him. You have to protect them even if you don’t care about protecting yourself.

Ok so your now looking at ways to forgive him and keep the door open for his return .
Whilst to a degree I get that , you love & miss him etc .
But in reality you are handing him a very easy get out cause . In 6 months , a year or two after his return , another shiny new thing piques his interest and he can be off because he's had a relapse/ is depressed / bipolar episode .
Is that the way to live for you and your kids ?

@BookishBabe I've not commented yet but have followed your thread since you started it. Been thinking of you the last few days and wondering how you're doing. How are you?

Hey, thank you.

Maybe still in denial? Maybe just naive?

I still 100% think there is something mentally wrong with him. He's just not himself at all.

I've tried to get some help, and someone else even reported him to the police for being unstable. Unfortunately, he's not actually in a bad enough place to be forced to receive care, but isn't willing to get care for himself.

I'm completely in limbo.

I've seen him for about 2 minutes in the past week when he came to grab a few bits.

How can someone go from treating you like you're their entire world, to shit on your shoe overnight?

I'm completely in limbo.

look, I know this is hard, and I sound like a broken record, but you absolutely need to stop analyzing him and his behaviour. He has checked out, for whatever reason, and you cannot, and should not try to help him.

focus on what matters, namely you and your children. Do the work you need to do to get out of this continuous loop of ‘why did he do this’ and ‘how can I get him back’.

At least TRY to get on with these resources that are readily available to you:

• Freedom Programme (online)
• Women Who Love Too Much (cheap at World of Books)
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (probably also available at WoB or similar)

💐

Hi.... I have been following your thread.
I am a lot older than you (retirement age) and wouldn't normally comment on a situation like yours but you sound so shocked and unhappy and when you mentioned that your OH may be bi-polar it resonated with me.
I have been with my husband for approx. 20 years. It's a second marriage and for the majority of our time together he made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread. We have lived through his lows and highs but managed to get through these times.
About 2 years ago he rocked my world by telling me he no longer loved me and wanted to split up ......no discussion or explanation. No other person was involved (it was my first thought as I had experienced this before).
I was devastated and confused. I felt a failure that my 2nd marriage hadn't worked out.
The silence was deafening and he became so cold and unfeeling which was the total opposite to how he had always been. I was lost. I didn't know how I was going to move forward financially not to mention emotionally as I believed he was my world.
Finally after 2 months he slowly began to communicate again.
To cut a long story short he wanted a complete change of lifestyle which he felt I wouldn't want.
I think the point of my post is to explain that bi polar can be very self indulgent .
We have stayed together and adopted the lifestyle he so wanted but 2 years on and my feelings have shifted. I went from being relieved that he still loved me to realising that I had to go into self preservation mode and protect myself financially.
I am not unhappy with my life but I will not live through that again ..... I would let him walk away.
You are so much younger than me and at a different stage of life. You may have many turbulent years being the partner of someone living with bi polar.
Please breathe and think carefully while you are in grief mode.
I wish you future peace.