He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

@BookishBabe you have to let yourself grieve . Then pick yourself back up again .
Is there a reason , a real reason ?
Have you been getting along or is it not repairable .?

This was me three weeks ago (without the disabled dc), I absolutely hear you. There's nothing you can do right now to feel anything other than horrific. Give yourself grace, cry all you need (away from dc if possible!) and just let yourself feel it. Time will help, I'm crying a lot less now and even having parts of the day when I feel ok. Time will heal this.

I am so sorry.

You deserve so much better than this.

Try to get into bed and rest your body, tomorrow may be very hard. Your brain needs to rest too. I know you must feel awful, can anyone be with you tomorrow and through the next few days at least. Maybe try listening to something mindless to allow you to switch off, even for an hour.

I wish I could help you and hold your hand in real life, it sounds absolutely awful.

Keep posting and hopefully someone can say or suggest something useful.

Much love to you x

Drop the kids off with him and take yourself off on holiday for a couple of weeks. Let him realise how lucky he was to have you at all.

He said he wanted to see other people, no, I don't really believe him. I am genuinely a very good wife. He's been struggling with depression for years but has recently seen a massice decline in his mental health, I love him so much, but there just came to a point where I think he was trying to push me away. And he found the one way in which I'd let him go. Monogamy is a must for me.

Make sure he co parents. I’ve got disabled dcs and I e told my partner in no uncertain terms that he will have them 50/50 if he ever leaves

Bookish, I know you must feel devastated, but seriously, 10/10 for sticking to your red lines. It's so easy to erode boundaries when you love someone. Very well done. You definitely deserve so much more and so much better.

Hopefully you are getting some sort of rest and don't see this for a few hours.

It was my only no. I already broke every boundary i thought I had. This is the one that I knew would absolutely devastate me and would leave me in more pain and hurt than just saying I cant do it. Every road I looked down would end in pain.

The best advice I ever received when my relationship ended, was to give that love to myself. It took a long time to believe I was worthy of it, but you really are. All the effort and time you have put into your relationship, just imagine how your life could look if you lavished it on yourself.

Until you get there, it's devastating. Especially with the level of work you have to give 2 disabled children. I know they are your children and you love them, but please take all the help you can get. Maybe a carer's assessment might prove useful, to get you some support.

I feel really angry on your behalf, but if he's broken every other boundary, you are better off taking some time to heal. Hopefully, the summer will be a happier peaceful time for you.

I also echo what PP said about 50:50 care. You need some time.

Please do keep posting.

Good post. ^

OP there isn't much you can do unfortunately than just try to get through the next few weeks, one day, even one hour at a time.

I've been there, and was with my ex for the same amount of time as you.

It's hell I know. I got through it with medication from my GP and heavily relying on some extremely close and trusted friends.

I'd been gaslit and abused and was annihilated. I didn't think I would get through it but here I am.

You will too. Can you have some therapy in the coming weeks? Try to eat and stay hydrated.

If you struggle to sleep try duolingo/sudoku or something to distract your mind.

Sending all good wishes.

You will get through this, I promise you.

See a solicitor this week.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

This is really good advice. Strike while the iron's hot, the time for action is now.

I assure you, it will not be anything you have done. I can only imagine the amount of stress and worry having 2 disabled children must bring. I have no doubt that you will have been a fantastic mother, and given your children all the love and care they need, whilst neglecting your own.

Never beg for someone to stay, if the cannot see for themselves all that you are, then they are not worthy of your time, your effort or your love.

It says alot about a person being able to walk away, especially from their children who will have needs.

I do hope that you will be able work out a way you can have the children 50/50, to allow you some much needed rest and peace.

Friends and family will help get you through these next few weeks. Keep as busy as you can and make the most of getting out for some fresh air. It's understandable to be sad, just try not to let that feeling dominate you.

Find the person you were before you had children, and give her some nurturing.

Wishing you all the best x

Nobody has to stay in love. But what kind if person walks out on two disabled children and their primary caregiver? What a terrible person he is.

No, I told him to leave. I said I couldn't pretend to be a happy family while he wanted other things and people. He said he'd sleep in the spare room and carry on doing things for me and the kids. I just needed a bit of space.
He is a very good dad, except the part where he couldn't stay with his children's mother, I guess. I know some people will say that the relationships are separate, and I somewhat agree, but I was a good wife and I love him so much. I wasn't that hard to stick around for.

Insist that your husband is 50/50 with his sons.

Can you afford to buy a one bedroomed flat or can you stay with your parents for the time he will be there with your boys in their home?

Well you did ask him to leave contrary to your first post and at least he had the decency to still want to help out even tho the spare room. Just because a couple relationship breaks down he still wants to do things for you and kids which is a plus

He's left me, sorry, not left the kids.
He said he wanted to sleep with other people, with or without my permission, and he was going to do it no matter what, but wanted to carry on sleeping with me and playing happy families. I said I just couldn't do that.
I wanted him to stay, I said if he could forget all this nonsense and just be with me I'd forgive him and we'd carry on. He said no. We did have a very good and regular sex life, but my only rule was just the 2 of us.

I just don't know how I'm supposed to cope when the only person who had ever loved me or wanted me doesn't want me anymore.
How does your self esteem come back from that?
I can't help thinking if I was better than I would have been enough for him.

It’s tough but you can’t accept what he was suggesting. You were 100% right to not accept that!

Sounds like a full on MLC for him. what wife is going to accept that? Is he mad?

how old are both?

There's someone else.
As soon as he left our house yesterday he went straight to the other woman's.
So that's that, its the woman he suggested being part of a "throuple" or threesome with.
He's here now to see the kids but is then leaving us to go on a date.

So hurtful.
I'm sure it's not you, op, it's all about him and his immediate enjoyment with no regard for your feelings. His self esteem should be on the floor. Not yours.

What an idiot. He’ll regret it eventually but don’t be waiting for him when he does. He’s crossed a line he can’t come back from. In his head based on what he’s asked of you I think he assumes he can have his fun and you will be take him back because you love him when he’s bored of the new woman. He’ll beg and cry. Don’t fall for it. He saw you beg and cry and went anyway. Take time to heal so you are strong and have your self worth when he comes crawling back.

Start the divorce process so he knows you are serious and make sure he has custody for a reasonable amount of time so you get a break.

I wonder how this OW will like having two high needs DC at hers 50% of the time! He hasn’t thought this through but that’s not your problem. Be cool, calm and collected. Stick to the facts. He had an affair and left the relationship. He’s responsible for his children and you are getting divorced.

You have done the right thing, he was treating you appallingly. You will be ok, it will just take time. Remind yourself daily how weak and selfish he is and that he’s not good enough for you.

Stop thinking about him and his needs. You put your own oxygen mask on first otherwise you are no good to the DC. When you catch your breath you go see a solicitor and you start insisting he takes the kids out the house elsewhere for contact.