He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

I haven’t been through this personally, but my mother was with my father for 20 years. He left her and moved on. My mum was broken at the time, we all was.

Now years later she met someone who she is completely head over heels for. She’s happy and loving life. The pain won’t last forever. I never saw my mum happy and enjoying herself when I was a child but now she’s different and radiant. It’s lovely to see.

You will get through this, everyday you will start to feel better. He wasn’t the man you thought he was, you deserve better. Maybe cut contact with him for a couple of weeks while you focus on you and the kids ? If he wanted to see the kids, could his mum come over and supervise or could they go to hers for a couple of hours. Just for the time being.

Just so sorry this has happened to you.
I'm so angry on yur behalf, and also impressed at your obvious dignity, integrity and good nature.

Wishing you all strength. Everything will turn out okay for you 💐

Just sending you and the boys some strength @BookishBabe

I hope I'm strong enough to tell him to fuck off.
It feels like going back to wear we were would be amazing.
But that place and people don't exist anymore.

I think in time and with more space you really will see how abusive he was. It’s all you have known but the relationship you describe was very controlling and insecure. Making him your everything and trying to please him must have been exhausting. Real love is peace.

You are completely right that this is about him. You both are just collateral in his need to feel superior. You are amazing. There is no going back — only forward. And in your future you can put yourself and your boys first. Embrace the freedom don’t hide from it. You’ve got this. ❤️

Going back to where you were would’nt be amazing, changing and bending yourself to fit what he wants. Yes, it might feel like relief from the pain, but now you realise that you were changing yourself to fit him.
Love is not about obsession or control. What you were in with this man is actually dangerous.

I just can't see my future anymore.
I always knew the fundamentals.
Me, him, our boys.
Everything else would work itself out, as long as the 4 of us were together.
And now, i have no clue what the future looks like anymore.

I don't want anyone else yet. I might never again.
But I don't want to be alone either, but I need to work on myself first.

But how on earth am I going to find a man that doesn't smoke, or do drugs, that doesn't want his own kids and doesn't have any, but is happy to love and raise my 2 disabled boys, who doesn't watch porn, or cheat, and will think I am the most beautiful woman in the world, who will treat me with love, respect and care. Who will listen to me talk and value who I am, who will offer me the last slice of pizza?
Who has a job, and no anger problems, and can deal with his emotions but is also strong when you need him to be?
And wants this barely employed, fat, single mom?
My self esteem is on the floor and I just feel everything is stacked against me, and I'm very lonely for that companionship and connection I've had for so long.

You made this man your ‘everything’, which was always a dangerous strategy. Why, now is gone, do you seem to focus on the idea of finding someone exactly like him? When he hurt you so much…

This is early days. You cannot expect to get to grips with your new reality so quickly. It’ll take time, it’ll hurt more than you think you can bear, it’ll be hard. But if you try to let go of this dream of recreating what you had it will be easier. Can you focus on yourself and your needs, wants and potential, and above all on your own self-worth.

A couple of useful books - read them when you feel ready:
Women Who Love Too Much
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Thank you. I am definitely going to concentrate on me. I'm just so scared about what the future looks like.

And, after sitting up most the night, I now realise I feel like a failure. I'm embarrassed that my marriage failed. And I have it in my head that when I said "my husband left me for another woman" the person is going to look me up and down and think "I'm not surprised".

You need to slow down OP.
If you put a ‘shopping’ list of features out there in terms of what you require in a man, you need to adjust it.
I am not saying take on another idiot.
Just slow down.
A man won’t solve your loneliness. The loneliness you feel is within yourself and it’s caused by how much you have invested in this relationship, and your very poor view of yourself.
You are asking too much of yourself right now and another man isn’t going to be the answer.
If you want to meet a decent one in the future, then you will need to change. And by that I don’t mean become a different version of you.
You need to get through what you’ve been through for a while.
And then the person you need to discover is you. You have been so buried in another person for a while.
Concentrate on being a mum, and then you can work in little goals.
I can remember moving in with a parent in my mid-40s. I had been in an accident as well, couldn’t work due to it, my parent became terminally ill and physically I was in bad shape.
But I set little goals for myself and over time I improved. I did meet someone who was introduced to by a friend. Still together ten years later.
All I had known was terrible relationships and this one isn’t perfect, but he is a decent man.
But I had to dig deep within myself and I was in the floor.

You have been with a controlling cheat who expected you to make him the centre of your universe and put himself before his own kids. Believe me it isn’t difficult to find an upgrade you just have very little reference.

You might not meet someone that checks all those boxes - maybe he’s divorced with older kids. Maybe you don’t live together but do fun things on your child free weekends and call each other before bed each night. It won’t be the same relationship you had but honestly in time you will come to see it as a good thing.

Your ex will become just that. And you will be giving someone else hope in their darkest day that there is a happy future down the line. Know it but don’t obsess over it. Focus on the now. Feel the pain and process it. Getting your brain to understand that the person you would turn to in a crisis is the one who has caused this. It will take a while to really get it and to detach from him because he was your safe space.

If you can afford therapy then please speak to someone to help you. Don’t invest any more time on what was but think about a future with you and your kids and what that could look like. Make sure you have a break too.

I’ve been here myself OP. I think it isn’t love but more about embarrassment, fear of rejection, grief for fantasy him not real him etc. Unfortunately the mind tricks us into thinking it’s love and doing the ‘pick me’ dance when in fact if you got him back you may not even want him.

The reality of course is that he only loves himself. He’s been controlling and abusive to you by the sound of it. He will be same to any other partner.

I recommend looking at the ‘Chump lady’ website.

Getting your brain to understand that the person you would turn to in a crisis is the one who has caused this…

that’s pretty much at the heart of what you need to aim for, @BookishBabe !

I also second the recommendation of the Chumplady website - here is her archive, but I believe she also has an up to date podcast:

https://www.chumplady.com/archives/

also, do you exercise at all? Very motivating and energising. If you are a novice, Lucy Wyndham Read is a good start:

And just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, and learn to sit with your pain when you need to.

im so sorry about what has happened and I know you are singing his praise in parts of your posts but he sounds like a bit of an abuser actually. Very manipulative and got you just where he wanted you. Then, upped and left without a single shred of remorse. Not even for your sons! Horrendous behaviour.
No honest, loving and trustworthy individual would ever do that.

Every night I manage to get an hour or two sleep.
Then I jolt myself awake and just lie here staring at the ceiling and try to let my brain process everything.
He came to visit the kids yesterday, but he seems so mad at me, why? I don't understand how he can leave me for another woman, I'm the one trying to be civil and amicable, and he just seems pissed off and annoyed at me. And is definitely saying alot of passive aggressive bollocks that is meant to hurt me.
Why?

I think i love the old him, for 15 years we were pretty much pure bliss, this was before his depression hit him hard and the controlling side of him started to come to the surface.
I was so, so happy for so long.
And I let all the other stuff continue this past year in the hopes the real him would find his way back to me. I saw glimpses here and there, but the shadow of the depression was always lingering over us.
When I look at him now, I don't see the love or the memories on his face, like I used to, I see bitterness and spite. When I look at old pictures of us together I can feel the love in my chest, but when I look at his face in front of me when we're talking, I'm angry and worried.
I do think he regrets his decision (though if you asked him he'd deny it), but i always told him I wouldn't be able to cope without him, I thought if he left me I'd just curl into a ball and cry myself to death, but look at me coping.

I always told him I didn't love him because of what he did for me, or gave me, though I of course enjoyed those things. I loved him for the way he made me feel about myself, and all that is gone now and can never come back.

I’m so sorry @BookishBabe it’s so cruel to not only leave you but treat you like the enemy. It’s likely the only way his brain can cope with the betrayal and hurt he has inflicted. He’s walled off any empathy for you because if he has empathy he would realise what an awful person he is and that is too hard to bare. It’s easier to project the negative feelings he has on to you. Just know your truth. You don’t need his validation. He’s not a person worthy of any.

Look up the term ‘grey rock’ and do that. Take back control of your life because regardless of if he has a ‘come to Jesus moment’ you will never trust him with your heart again. Just put your faith in the universe that karma will work everything out in the end. You just need to concentrate on yourself and your children being the best person you can be in the circumstances.

It could be that depression changed him but if he has only been depressed for a year there is just as much of a chance that his depression symptoms are related to the affair and that’s how long it’s been going on. Compartmentalising the affair to avoid feelings of guilt and shame can lead to a depressed like state. Might not be the case but something to be aware of — do not allow yourself to make excuses for his behaviour because of his depression.

I always cry in front of my kids. Want them to know its okay to cry and show emotions!

So sorry you're going through this. It gets better x

Crying in front of them is great but when it's something so huge I think it's important that they don't end up feeling anxious/destabilised or feeling like they need to look after you. They have such huge emotions of their own. Mine know I'm sad and see me tear up often but I save the absolute howling sobs for when I'm alone.

If your opinion of yourself is only based on how another person feels about you, when they leave, you do feel lost.
But you are still here. It will take time, but you are about to get to know yourself for the first time. And once that happens, it gives you freedom in life.

Writer Rosie Green had what you’d see as a perfect life - I used to read her column and feel a little envious. She’d been with her husband her whole adult life.
Then one day he left.
She felt like you and she chatted her journey from that heartbreak to where she is now. She has a website and a book which may help. When you feel up to having a look.
If you can read this piece and know you are not alone.
www.lifesrosie.co.uk/last-christmas-my-husband-walked-out-and-i-thought-id-never-recover-this-year-ive-learned-i-was-wrong-rosie-green-gives-a-compellingly-raw-account-of-her-emotional-journey/

I do wonder if I'm thinking so much about his mental health because him going mad and having a breakdown seems the preferable option. Because him just waking up one day after 16 years, and deciding he'd rather fuck an almost stranger than be with me, is just too hard for me to hear.

I don't want him back. He's ruined that.
So why do I still feel like I'm doing the pick me dance?

Because you’ve been together a long time, and he was ‘yours’. He said vows, he made a promise, and you built a life and family together.
You aren’t playing the pick me dance at all by the sounds of it, but I can understand why you feel that way.
You really need to be a little kinder to yourself.