He's left me.

[BookishBabe]

16 years together, married for 12, 2 disabled DS.
I've never felt so alone, or not good enough, or not worthy. I am absolutely broken, I begged him to stay and try harder, but he left.
I can't sleep, where do I go from here?

We are dirt poor. Council house, disabled kids, benefits, minimum wage. We've got fuck all on the sense of assets. All the benefits and my wages are paid to me.
I'll be okay.

It's not just assets, really: custody and CMS + benefits is what you need sorted and you can't trust him to do so amicably forever.

He's not being amicable now really.
It's still me bending over backwards, he says I need to be civil to the other woman when I see her, and that she will eventually be a part of a children's lives.
He left 2 fucking days ago and barely knows her.
I told him he doesnt control me or my actions anymore.

OMG is he actually serious? Is he insane? I do know of a family that is going through similar to you and saw the bloke recently post a pic of the new woman and as an outsider I was like 'mate ffs two months ago you were posting I love you to the wife and now this person is your new love'. It is incredible how soon men can move on and they never move on with a better woman they move on with a weaker one, one that will take their shit. You hold your ground sweetheart, heartbreaking for your family but what a mess he will land himself in when she finally works out what he is really like too and you are not waiting in the wings which is exactly what he wants. Christ they never fail to stun me, men.

This is SHOCKING. Excellent comeback from you though @OP

What about pensions - those are assets too. If his has more value than yours you should claim half of the difference in value.

We have nothing, really. I'm part time for the kids and don't earn enough to pay into a pension. He had moved from job to job and the pensions don't really follow him and we've not kept up with them. He's always said he'd be dead before he was at pension age.
We have no savings, no assets, some debt. Ive chosen all the contact arrangements that I'm happy with and I think is fair, especially as the kids do miss him so much.
I just hope he can follow through, ive told him I hate him and he's a selfish prick, but I will do everything I can for our kids to see him as long as he doesnt hurt them anymore.

JFC tell him to fuck right off with you needing to be civil to the other woman.

He's no longer on your team and you need to act accordingly. You may need a solicitor at some point to sort out access arrangements for the children. He is thinking with his dick.

I wonder if he would be happy to be civil to any man that you start dating. I very much doubt it.

No, he told me if it was the other way round he'd have killed us both.
Yet, I'm expected to play happy families and let her steal my husband and kids. I dont think so.

You are being very strong and resilient but do you have anyone to talk to, anyone who has your back and who will be there for you if it all gets too much? If not, you’ve still got the women of MN who will lend moral support.

I hear that Wikivorce is also a good resource, especially for practical issues around divorce.

There isn't many people. Ive been very isolated. He has been my entire world for 16 years. I honestly didn't think I'd ever need anyone else. So everything has been centered around him for so long. I dont know who I am anymore.

You're still reeling in shock at his betrayal. I'm so sorry.

Just make sure you keep yourself fed and watered for now. Lots of hot drinks and try to eat. Even toast. Or a tin of soup.

He said that he would have killed you?

You really do need to speak to a solicitor.

Just know that we're all here to listen and to support you.
Keep talking.

I just want it to stop hurting.
Its only been 2 days and he's planned an entire future out with a new woman, and I'm drowning in pain.

I guess now you know he's a grade A arsehole.
So sorry op. But what a shit.

Weirdly, doesn't stop us loving them.

Here’s the thing: you don’t really know who you are yet, but in time you will meet the true you.
Like you have recognised, dependency on one singular person is not healthy.
You will be heartbroken in so many ways. His treatment of you is despicable on every level.
Sadly, some men at different times in their lives want to ‘break free’ and instead of doing that, ending a marriage, but with care, they just think another women is an ego boost and a way out.
All that means is that he takes the same stuff with him he hasn’t worked through with you into the next relationship.
You, although you can’t see it now, have a chance to break free in terms of becoming more independent. It’s bloody hard when you have to learn how to cry on your own shoulder, but when you do, it’s actually an amazing achievement.
And that woman, when she is ready, can meet someone who is her equal.
This man is still a child. You say you don’t have much but you have lovely children. You are clearly intelligent and responsible, and the adult in the home. In time, you will be fine.
You are in grief and shock and there’s no way through it in the short term other than actually going through it.
But there are many women in here who have been the same who gave been there.
When it happened to one of my closest friends I honestly thought she would get over it, left with two young babies.
That was twenty years ago. She has three other DC to her lovely second DH and says that what happened was actually the best thing that happened to her. Her ex has just left his third marriage, the OW didn’t want him so he’s back… living with his mum.

One day it won't hurt anymore and you'll see exactly what an awful man he is.

I'm feeling very numb now.
I've had a massive talk with him today, about what I want from him as a co parent and how he can be as supportive as he can be for me and the kids.
At first he was a bit of a dick, so I told his Mother! I know i probably shouldn't have, but i just needed him to realise.
He came back and was more how he was supposed to be.
Fingers crossed we can just co parent well. I weirdly would like him to be like a friend to me.
I cant never see or speak to him, because of the boys. So if I can't go no contact, im hoping maybe just stripping our relationship all the way back to a friendship.
I just need to lose the part of me that thinks he's mine and I have a right to know what he's doing and with whom.

You are AMAZING @BookishBabeand handling this with such grace and maturity for your sons

Thank you.
I needed to hear that.
I am very proud of how I am handling this, I am just trying to put my boys at the priority of all my decision making.
I am being much nicer and magnanimous than he deserves, but I'm not doing it for him.

My only conditions on continuing to be this amazing is that he puts the kids first as a priority, and OW has nothing to do with them.
Unfortunately, if they actually last a while, I know it would be unreasonable to try and continue this forever. But for now, 2 days after he left us, I just need her to essentially not exist as far as me and my boys are concerned.
After I told his Mother, and she gave him a good talking to, he came back and said he agreed with me.

I think that’s ENTIRELY reasonable and incredibly gracious.

I've got my first counselling session on Tuesday. So hopefully i can start unpicking what I need to make myself happy. And start seeing that I can love him, and hate him, and that's okay.

I still can't understand how he could do this to us. We are amazing.