My partner doesn’t want to marry me, should I give an ultimatum or forget about it

[Bonnie2nd]

Before I begin, I’ll mention I’m ND and I really struggle with communicating and find it overwhelming having deep discussions as I can’t always process the words.
I have been with my partner for 4 years, we live together and we have a 1 year old.
We discussed early on that we wanted to get married asap and have a baby, due to us being in our 40s we chose to have a baby first before it was too late. Which was lucky because my menopause has since arrived.
He would talk about rings and how the wedding would look and that he couldn’t wait for me to be his wife. When baby was born he stopped talking about marriage. I forgot about it as I was so focused on my baby so I didn’t let it bother me.
Over time the realisation that he doesn’t want to marry me has crept in and I feel pretty low. I found this out when discussing a bill and the subject came up about needing to be married to do XYZ legally, and he said it didn’t matter as it would go in his will that I am entitled to do so. This flagged up as obvious he wouldn’t be marrying me.
He had an old friend visit to meet the baby and he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.
We now have a ‘surprise’ wedding to go to in August and I know the guests will be asking why we’re not engaged yet or telling me I’ll be next and to catch the bouquet. The thought of that makes me feel completely rubbish knowing I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname. I don’t even want to go to the wedding as I know I’ll feel sad for myself whilst happy for the couple.
I know weddings should come before babies but I’m so glad I had my baby first or I may have never experienced being a mother which is more important to me.
I just feel like I’ve wasted my time with the wrong person if he’s realised he doesn’t actually love me or want to marry me. It’s really embarrassing whenever relatives raise the subject and he doesn’t respond. He knows how I feel so it hurts more than he doesn’t consider my feelings. I think I’m beginning to resent him and I’m not sure if I can fully love someone who doesn’t want a marriage and for us to be a family.
How do I discuss this with him? I’m no good with words or confronting anyone. I know I’ll break down in tears and I don’t want a sympathy proposal, I’d say no. I’m not sure if I even want one anymore after the recent comments and actions.
Did anyone else go through this and did you stay with him or leave if he didn’t propose? Can you give up on the dream of a marriage and still stay together?
Thanks for reading

You’re not married and you gave your baby his surname??? Sorry did he give birth to them? Did he carry them for 9 months??

I would say either married or change the babies surname to yours.

Have you asked him why marriage is off the cards now? Because he wanted it pre-baby and now he doesn't. Why is that?

So, marriage ‘asap’, to me, would be at least 6 months to a year away!

So you don't want to get married ASAP. You would delay to make sure it's done right.

Exactly.

If he’s willing to have a kid with you but not commit and marry you that speaks volumes

Isn’t it weird how friends and family make all these comments to the women
why don’t they ask him directly
next time they say to you when are you getting married
say ask him ….

embarrassing for who? you or your relatives / friends? if your judged for not being married they're not good friends.

you dont HAVE to get married, also rather than having that conversation in front of relatives friends, talk to him.

give him time to open up and explore why he doesnt want to, maybe he doesnt want to explain in front of them, maybe with the baby he's just concerned about the costs, point is you will never know without asking. its not confronting him, just sit down and casually talk about the future, dont go off the rails try to get his viewpoint.

you previously spoke about being married with him so simply asking, "can you remember when we spoke about xyz (wedding venue, rings, how the wedding would look) we dont really talk about that anymore so i was wondering if you changed your mind at all?" asking it in an open ended non conflicting way without expectation.

at least then you can decide what your future together is like if there is indeed a future, depends how important marriage is for you.

people dont get married for many reasons.

going in with ;

Marry me or else
you said you'd marry me
why aren't we married yet

etc..

its going to push him away and isnt a healthy start to any marriage even if it did happen.

Agreed.

I’m seeing so many posts this week alone of women in OP’s predicament. I don’t know where these men get off with insisting on tradition where it suits them eg. Their child carrying their name, but breaking away from it by not marrying when they feel that doesn’t suit them.

Modern misogyny I call it.

I have a friend with two kids from two men. Each kid have their dads surname and it’s ridiculous IMO as she’s never married either of them.

Do you still want to marry HIM? Not married generally but are you still in love with him? Your post doesn't read like this is the happiest relationship and you sound like you're already checked out as he doesn't notice you or care much about your feelings.

Agree. Change your child's surname ASAP.

Men never want to get married until they meet the woman they want to marry.

Even then they're not that bothered.

There's a reason there's a Bride Magazine but not a groom magazine.

Men aren't interested in marriage and on a practical level it punishes the partner with the greater assets and earnings which is often the man.

In the past the choice was celibacy or marriage. That's no longer the case.

If it isn't in his heart to want to get married, I would not give him an ultimatum. Even if he goes along with it, your happiness will be short-term and the resentment on his part will eventually make you (and him) absolutely miserable.

I would either make peace with not being married or move on (as quickly as possible) if you don't feel like this relationship is serving you any more.

I would not give an ultimatum- I would simply state. I was given to believe we were on the road to marriage. That doesn’t seem to be something you want, but it is what I want and therefore I am ending this relationship.
live for you and your child. If he doesn’t come after you then you have your answer.

Ultimatums always backfire, he could throw it in your face in the future or you would always wonder if he married you because you issued that ultimatum.

im not saying it will be easy, but id do it as soon as possible. Good luck op

Does it still punish the partner with the greater assets and income if no children?

Ultimatums only backfire if they're actually just bluffs and then get called. They don't backfire if they're also statements of fact: "I'm unhappy, this is not the life we agreed to or the one I want and if it doesn't change I will go and build another one."

If he'd rather be single than married to her, that says a lot.

I’ll never experience a wedding or being a wife or sharing my child’s surname

well, the child’s surname is on you. Was no reason it couldn’t have been yours if sharing it was important to you.

Give an ultimatum if you really want to. If you resent him the relationship may not last.
He knows you are entitled to nothing when not married so is trying to placate you by says things are in the will, which he can change anytime he feels like.
I would make sure to concentrate on making sure you are financially secure for yourself and your child and pay into your pension. Make sure you aren't funding him and his lifestyle and he pays up for your childs expenses.
Whose house is it? Who pays for it? Who pays the bills?

I've been in your position OP and hated attending weddings of friends who'd been together less time than us as you inevitably got asked when you were getting married and it was just painful and awkward.

The last thing you need is to deliver an ultimatum. You need a general conversation to discuss whether marriage is off the table. If he asks why just say that you want to understand how he sees the relationship. No mention of your thoughts and feelings and if he asks just say you need to understand where he is before you can think about that. Keep it calm and relaxed so that he doesn't tell you what he thinks you want to hear.

If he's thinking that marriage is just a piece of paper given you have a child together, or he talks in vague terms of doing it someday, you know it's not going to happen and then you can decide where to go from here. Don't give him an ultimatum as they rarely have the desired result. The decision you make needs to be what you want regardless of any promises from him. If you decide to go it alone, you need to be ready to follow through with it. If you decide to stay you have to accept that things will not change and be happy with that.

Hey OP.
Are you reading in to his actions (ND rejection sensitivity) i.e. the silence when on the spot or has he said he's had a change of heart?

Can you ask him if he has a problem with the wedding or the marriage. Could a compromise just have a private ceremony with just you instead of a "wedding" and the cost, pomp, celebration (which you may want but might be something to consider).

I think you do need to say this is something you need not a want. And you need to understand what changed and when.

I totally get the verbal processing stuff and emotional reactions being heightened to words. Could you text each other (in the same room) express everything on written form so it's less emotive and clearer. (I know that doesn't sound intimate) Or write him a letter and get him to read it and respond by a certain time.

I do think it's important you both know each others deal-breakers so you can plan your lives, being informed not letting the status quo continue for years.

I hope you find clarity and the outcome that you want in your heart but we can't always impact others behaviour and choices only our own 💟

Very good advice.

He has fromwhat you've said... gone silent or changed the subject everytime the subject of you two getting married comes up. That's not good enough. If he has changed his mind he needs to own it and say so.

He actively promised this in all the chat about having a child etc... and he's being very very unfair to just hope his silence will let him off the hook, allow the penny to drop or make his point for him - thereby saving him the effort of speaking up and telling you how he feels. Its a very unkind thing to do and That is not how an honest adult behaves.

If you did ask him to speak his mind... you don't have to give your response there and then.. You just have to say I'm glad you are finally making your feelings clear. I will have to think more about what you've said before I respond... and then you have time to process how you feel about it.. Because at the moment you really don't know what's going on in his pea brain. You are just in a position of having to assume because of his non communication.

Once you've had something definite from him ( and not just future faking to maintain the status quo) you can decide, armed with the facts, what is the best future option for yourself and your child.

I can understand why you don't want to go to that wedding. And if you still feel like that, tell him to go on his own. That is what he is currently looking at... not being married, not being tied down.. therefore why should you have to dutifully accompany him with your child so that he doesn't feel like a singleton at the wedding. Let him experience that

"old friend visit ... he asked my partner why he hadn’t proposed yet. My partner stayed silent and ignored the question.

Just to add. The next time this happens, if you've got nowhere trying to make him discuss it, you could consider calling him out on it.. Its humiliating to do that to you in front of people and very obvious to them and to you that he's refusing to answer.
At that point, I don't think you have anything to lose by saying... "Well aren't you going to answer your old friend? I'd also love to know why not too!"
Let him be embarrassed and put on the spot by people, instead of you having to sit there and soak it all up. Or even say "it's becoming clear he doesn't want to, but he won't discuss it."

Open the Can and scatter the worms.

They may not be that bothered about the details of the wedding ceremony (or they may just be more inclined to leave that to the woman) but if they know they want to have her for life, they marry. The wedding isn't the marriage.

And there have always been options for men to get sex if that really is the only thing they want. They might be horrible but they're there. Remember in The Handmaid's Tale when the Commander takes her out and it turns out that despite all the restrictions placed on normal life, there's still a thriving underground scene where men get access to available women? Of course.

But if they want a proper life partner and family with a woman, they'll marry. In my experience, they're much worse at being alone than women are.

I've long felt that there was something performative about this idea that men just really hate the idea of marriage (they came up with the concept!) and only ever do it unwillingly to satisfy some harpy of a woman.

I think this cartoonist feels the same way...

And yet here we are in a thread where a woman is trying to force a man to get married and there's a long list of similar threads underneath.