((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

Another saying this is not normal, not in my relationship of many years, or in the ones I had with nice respectful men before I met DP, not in any of my friends relationships, or any of the women I have known in my whole life.
He is abusing you and you need to leave

What is he doing with the pictures? I'd be super careful not to include your face (if you consent) and to be sure he isn't filming you at other times 🤮 Good Luck...this sounds abusive

I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened her with sharing them if she says she's leaving him.

The good news there would be it's now a criminal offence so he could find his disgusting ass in the shit.

His reaction to you trying to put a boundary in place about sending photos is to guilt trip you into feeling bad so you’ll do what he wants. He still gropes you and pushes for sex as he doesn’t consider you at all and disrespects your wishes. He uses you for his own sexual gratification because he thinks that’s what you’re there for. He continues, knowing you don’t want to, which makes him worse than a sex pest. He’s coercing you and abusing you for his own gain. You’ve changed your behaviour and clothes to avoid him and you sound on edge which will have an affect on your body. This is what happens in a controlling, abusive relationship and is no way to live.

You've revealed he’s doing things to you whilst you’re asleep, so he’s the worst kind. He feels entitled to do whatever he wants to you including assaulting you when you can’t consent. I would never feel safe from him and I doubt he will change willingly with genuine understanding as from his actions, his views seem entrenched.

If a partner respected your wishes, without making you feel bad, you would feel lighter, calmer, relaxed. You could be yourself. You deserve a partner who listens to you and respects you. You don’t have to put up with his abuse anymore and your kids are old enough to understand. Take a stance and protect yourself from any more harm but be prepared for him to try to put you back in what he considers to be your place.

he knows I don't want it but still keeps going!
you are being raped. Speak to the police.

But do it in secret. Please don't let him know you understand what's going on. Make plans to be safe and then go.

He has just come home, walked in the house and completely ignored me. Gone for a shower and is sat in the bedroom. Not even so much as a hello. All because I didn't send him boob pics this morning. Haven't caved though. Just left him to his paddy

Leave everything else to him too

Washing, shopping, cooking...

Anything he expects from you, stop

As a matter of interest, what is his relationship like with his children? Does he leave them to you too?

OP, I’ve just read your post about waking up to him inside you as someone else quoted it. Sorry, I must have missed that before I posted.

That is rape OP. It is illegal. I would throw him out and contact the police.

I know it must be difficult to hear, but you are being sexually abused by your husband. You can move on from this. You can contact the police and charities for support. You do not have to live like this. Please reach out to someone IRL.

My DH has never asked me for a picture ever. We love each other very much are very touchy feely etc and have sporadic but enthusiastic sex.

this man sounds like a porn addled teenage sex pest.

its bordering on abuse if you look at the levels you go to avoid being sexually assaulted. Because if it’s unwanted, that’s what it is.

@Franpie your point is important.

You cannot give consent if you are sleeping, this is rape and sexual abuse. It would seem that you wouldn't give consent so he is over-riding this and taking what he wants with no regard for you.

I too did not realise that this was rape when my exH did it. It erodes your ability to trust and I have not had a relationship since he left 20 years ago.

Sometimes I’ll read threads on here and feel embarrassed to be a man. And I’ll completely fail to understand how people can behave this way. But then I’ll often be stunned that they can’t get away with it for so long (maybe it’s the ‘boiled frog’ that keeps being mentioned).
Your post hits both nails on the head.
I hope he can change but - at his age - I’d not put money on it.

His behaviour is so unbelievably abusive and really quite sinister.

I completely agree.

I’ve just read through your post and updates. Couldn’t leave without letting you know I was truly sickened by what I read. This is ongoing sexual and emotional abuse, the mention of waking up to his fingers inside you is awful. I am so sorry he has treated you this way (and even worse, persuaded you it’s normal), and just wanted to send love and support to an amazing, strong woman.

So he is now controlling you by withdrawing until he gets what he wants.

that is an awful level of abuse. None of this is normal and I suspect is affecting your children as well because of the headspace you are giving it and the atmosphere he creates

Urgh. He’s a perverted, sleazy weirdo. He would make my fanny slam shut for good. Jesus Christ, he’s depraved.

V abnormal but who am I to judge - if you don’t mind sextibg but are just too busy. Build up a bank of photos and bad chat that can be copied and pasted
otherwise tell him to bog off.

personally I’d be off.

Ignore the bastard right back. He does NOT deserve your attention, your voice, your presence in his life. He does NOT deserve any good thoughts, respect, tenderness or anything else, including feeding him, cleaning for him or doing his laundry.

YOU matter! It seems like you matter more to us here on MN than to your NVDH, who only wants a living, breathing, blow-up sex doll.

I hope you and your children get the life you and they deserve, and not the hell you all are in right now.

I've dated two sex addicts. The first one told me he was when we got together, but I didn't realise exactly what it entailed. He'd had therapy. It didn't work.
I'd agree that it sounds like your husband has an addiction.
Unlike tobacco or alcohol, it's difficult to completely abstain from/avoid sex, so it's a difficult addiction to beat.
And yes, he is using coercive control to get his way, by punishing you when you don't behave as he wants. This is abuse.
I think you need to consider leaving this relationship. Even if he could admit he has a problem, it's unlikely to ever be successfully treated.
The way you are living your life is not normal, at all.

If you’re giving in to sex to avoid the silent treatment or any other kind of behaviour like that from him then you aren’t consenting. That’s rape. He knows you don’t want sex and he’s getting off on making you do it against your will. The same with the photos - he doesn’t want new photos to look at he wants to know that he made you take a new one. He’s enjoying the power and control. He would probably love for you to think that he has a sex addiction because then he “can’t help it”.

he can help it. He’s doing it on purpose. He’s a nasty, controlling, raping, abusive bastard

He's a rapist.

If you leave him (and god I hope you do) the feeling of relief and freedom you will feel will be worth every bit of hassle to get there.

Thanks everyone. I'm still getting the silent treatment, although I did get a text asking me what was up, probably as I haven't pandered to his mood. I just left him then he sent another saying I'd shut the conversation down yesterday and then not replied or spoken up so he thinks something is wrong. I just can't deal with it all

This sounds unbearable OP