((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

You have a warped idea of normal. If you're happy to send nudes that's fine but changing your routine and what you wear because of his demands is ridiculous. Surely you can see that?

I felt sick just reading that.
Is this a recent development..I can't imagine he was doing this when you met ...as you would of ended the relationship,as you clearly don't like it ..
I couldn't bear to have a man near me who was like that
I feel so sorry for you op xx

Oh god
I didn't read all your responses before posting
This is sexual assault
Your being abused
I'm so sorry
Can you leave ,have you a way to leave

Gosh OP I’m actually horrified reading your posts. I really hope now that we’ve all said it is absolute not normal and everyone is not doing it, that you feel empowered.

I think he is absolutely disgusting. It is illegal, what he is doing. I’m not saying that to push you to get police involvement - though you could. I am saying it to illustrate the seriousness of it.

I’m so sorry that he’s been treating you this way.

I am worried for you and your DC too. If you have sons then you absolutely do not want them thinking this is okay. And if you have a daughter, then she needs to understand that this is not normal behaviour so in future when she is dating people, she will know that this behaviour is abnormal.

Some pp’s have sent links to women’s aid. They are experts and will be able to support you. I really hope you contact them for support.

It does put me off, from even interacting with him because I know what it will turn into if I even say hello!

I have never sent pictures. This is really repulsive behaviour OP, I am baffled as to why you married this sex pest but why are you still with him ? His behaviour is misogynistic in the extreme and also properly creepy. Normal men don’t behave like this. It’s actually abusive and really concerning.

Please keep your cards very close to your chest (as it were). Yes, he is a sex pest and yes, he should treat you with more respect. But he's not going to. Trying to have this out with him is going to lead to more problems for you, and could be dangerous. He is coercive and controlling, and someone like that does not take kindly to having his favourite toy snatched away.

This is so wrong! You need to set boundaries but personally I don’t how to can stay with someone so revolting. And if he does that to you I’m sure that there will be others he’s communicating with in a similar manner. You are not a piece of meat!

I also keep thinking about that educational video about consent that my DS17 was shown at some point at school. (It likens asking for consent like asking someone if they want a cup of tea: it's really easy, you ask them, they say yes (or no), you give them a cup of tea (or not) and it's all good; if they say they want tea once doesn't mean they want tea every time you suggest it etc etc). Your H seems to think that because you are married you have handed him rights to your body and you no longer need to be willing / consent. Sending you a handhold, OP, because this thread must be a "world tilting" moment and those are never easy, even if it's validation of something that has been niggling at you for a while.

So if you don't do exactly as he wants, you're insulted or emotionally blackmailed?

I think you need to show him the responses on this thread so he can have a nice cold shower of what his actions look like in the real world outside of his libido fuelled selfish one. Absolutely grim.

It is not normal behaviour. I know no one who would think this is normal.

I am really so sorry to read you're going through it. None of this is your fault and you don’t deserve any of this behaviour.

I really couldn't be doing with that. It's such a massive turn off and the constant pestering would just make me not want to speak to him. Spell it out for him how off-putting and unattractive it is.

Apart from all the obvious grossness of behaviour and abuse that everyone else has pointed out, his "Andy's toys" image is so disgusting and creepy. He's using an image from a kid's movie to imply that if you are not talking to him about sex you're basically just a frozen, vacant doll doing nothing. Says something about how he regards you. Sorry OP.

I’m so sorry for you No woman should have to endure this and think it’s normal. Take your children and leave this man as soon as you can, for your sake and the sake of your children.

Reading this has really struck a cord with me.
my ex husband was very similar. And it was draining. Constantly touching me awake and asleep. wanting sex all the time even 2 weeks after I’d had a baby. Crude comments towards me in front of our friends. Making me feel like a was a sex doll and when I said no was told I was fridgid and sexless and a useless wife. He once told me it was his right to sex with his wife. He used to try and get me drunk as I was less likely to say no, or at least put up less resistance. There have been a few occasions where I woke to find him attempting to have sex with me or actually doing it.
As time went on, I found I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him let alone have sex with him. I put on loads of weight trying to make myself unattractive to him.

It was an awful way to live and ultimately lead to our separation. That and his alcoholism.
2 years later , I’ve lost 4st, and turns out I’m not frigid and sexless. I do want sex and enjoy it. Just not with him.

I hope you find a way to get some peace in your life. Sadly I don’t think it will be with him as men like that never change

Honestly I feel like like if I'm not cleaning, looking after the kids or having sex with him, I have no purpose and he doesn't bother with me.

Honestly, I would tell him you want a divorce.
And mean it.

Well I expect some people send nude photos to their partners but that doesn't mean you have to do it.
Does he watch a lot of porn? Is that why he thinks it's normal to send photos etc. I mean how would he know everyone does it. He sulks when you refuse. He makes horrible comments about how you are built for fucking. He can't communicate about anything other than sex and is constantly touching you.
Tell him to grow up or fuck off. He doesn't contribute anything to your life at the moment apart from making you doubt yourself.
If he wants to stay together he needs to start being respectful and showing you that he values you for who you are not how you look.

He raped you. While you were asleep.

It is almost too much to comprehend but that is what happened. And he is sexually assaulting you repeatedly.

NOT normal, not something that happens in a consenting intimate relationship.

I would feel so degraded if my partner told me I was built for fucking.

This is assault OP, relentless sexual abuse. You can’t continue to live like this.

He's a sex addict and need to get help ASAP.
If you want to stay, he needs to do therapy first and listen to you.

Are you both from a different culture OP?

Still reading the replies. Starting to see how so much of my life is spent considering how to avoid him and his advances. It's exhausting.

Sorry, but this is abusive. It isn't normal at all, especially as he knows you don't enjoy it.

No. Definitely not normal. He is a sex pest and he is not respecting you.

This is totally abnormal - he needs to speak with an expert and you need to tell him NO, not happening any more, so what if he sulks let him, but your allowing this to happen.