((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

"Do people literally send no pictures?"
I've been married for over 25 years and not once has my husband asked me to send him a photo. Not even when we were in the first flush of being in love. It would just not occur to him. He has a nice head and shoulders shot of me as his screen saver, but that's it. Your husband sounds like a revolting sex pest. Or a teenager who has just discovered sex.

He literally tells me I am "built for fucking", like I serve no other purpose, but it's said as the ultimate compliment! It's constant. I have to wear clothes with ties or belts so he can't pull them down or puts his hands down them at any given opportunity. Can't be seen in my underwear or it's constant groping. He will come and watch any time he thinks I'm going to get changed.

He sees you as a sex toy, not a person.

This is in no way normal and you'd be doing yourself an enormous favour by dumping the prick.

Let him find someone else to be a daily sex-pest with.

I hate the term 'ick' but this is giving cataclysmic levels of ickiness, honestly.

This is quite odd.

Nothing wrong if you’re both into it , but not every day. Me and my husband used to do this in our early days .. it was quite exciting , I had a very easy, stress free job as I was going through uni and I did enjoy it ( would sneak to the loo and send a naughty pic ! ) but I mean this was very early days - we didn’t live together , was in the first few months.

Now , he works away a lot so sometimes when he’s home I will dress up and he will take a few photos … he’s away , so this does affect our sex life plus there’s the kids and I now have a full time, not stress free job with a lot of responsibilities so if he ever requested a photo there would be no way it was happening !

We have a healthy sex life but to be honest , if I got a “ what do you want me to do to you “ text I would probably get the ick! We were younger back then and I feel we don’t need to be doing that … I think I would also get annoyed that he thought during my working day , as a professional, my mind was on what I wanted him to do to me! Like who is walking around during the day at work aroused ?!

What stands out for me here is the fact you are going to work in the office so that you have an excuse not to send photos ! You need a serious chat , because honestly I think this will ultimately lead to you not wanting sex at all! He should know what you do and do not like - so he should know you don’t like this! I would question if he’s actually able to please you if he’s this selfish that he’s continuing something he knows does nothing for you!

This is not normal. He is a sex pest.

Fuck no, he’s sexually abusing you. As for sexting-literally have only done it once to try it and haven’t since. Certainly don’t send tit pics and he doesn’t send me dick pics. Your DH would give me the ick and clamp my vag up completely

He's not just wanting sex though is he ? He's sexually harassing you by constantly asking for pictures even when you resist, is manipulating you by ignoring you when he doesn't get what he wants , he's sexually assaulting you by groping you at every opportunity and now you are wearing clothes to stop this because you're consent just isn't enough for him neither are you're boundaries and this isn't normal! Please op , listen to everyone here this isn't okay behaviour it isn't normal he isn't a nice man he wouldn't behave this way if he loved and respected you he only cares about his own needs and it's not okay ❤️

What is he doing with all these photos? You need to stop this now and he needs medical help.

This is no way to live.

If my DH behaved like yours he wouldn’t be my DH.

My DH fancies me, we have a very healthy sex life, but he also respects me and doesn’t just treat me like his personal sex toy.

It’s honestly so gross how you are being treated. I don’t say this often but you should definitely leave. I can’t see someone this removed from what is acceptable behaviour changing his ways.

Thanks for all the comments. Trying to get through them all but it's difficult to hear, even the kindest words because the validation makes it feel real. In the thick of a weekend with 2 teenagers so trying to sneak off and read and reply. So sorry if I miss anything. Will have a good read through the messages and links tonight. And do appreciate them. It's hard to realise what was your normal isn't right at all.

Correct - women should always close this shit down immediately because it's NEVER in their interests at all.

This is not normal at all. He sounds ridiculous. My DH and I sexted and sent pics a lot at the beginning of our relationship, when we lived separately and would go days without seeing each other. But it’s extremely rare these days. I don’t mean that we’ve “lost the passion” or anything, but that it’s different now that we’re together daily. No way could I put up with constant demands of sexting, pictures, groping etc, it would be a complete turn off.

Sorry, I also wanted to add that he has so little respect for you to be treating you like this that I worry that he would be capable of sharing these pictures in some way.

No, everyone is not doing what he wishes they were. HE is acting very sleazy! When one of the twosome is not interested, then it's off the table.

I would get such the "ick" from being pestered so much that I wouldn't want to have sex with them for a long, long time. YUCK! 😬😡

He is being manipulative to boot by getting angry, huffy and pouty. He needs therapy.

Do you have a daughter OP because I do and the teaching around sending photos is very much don’t

Every time I read one of these threads, which are firmly in the context of smartphone/internet, etc world, I thank God that I'm 67 and my life well into middle age was before all this shit - that is SO detrimental to women and girls - emerged.

The internet has turned too many men into porn-addicted sex pests.

What am I reading?! Nope Nope and Noooooo.
DH and I have never sent pictures to each other or sent messages asking each other what we’d like the other ‘to do to us’ when we get home.
Groping and putting his hands on you to the point you have to make sure you wear a belt and telling you you’re ’built For fucking’ is so completely out of order.
Where the hell is his respect for you?! My DH is loves a squeeze as much as the next bloke and will appreciatively wolf whistle for a laugh if he walks into our room and I’m getting changed but he is certainly not a groping sex pest.
Op I don’t know how you’re putting up with it and fact it’s become worse over time would be a hard no from me.
Sulking when you don’t send pictures back is just so completely juvenile, I would be trying extricate myself out of this relationship.

You should not even notice that he is ignoring you. When you are working, don't answer his texts, don't answer his calls.

So what if he gets huffy? You are not his personal porn star, and you do not deserve to be sexually harassed and assaulted each and every day.

He is controlling and abusive, and you have to start believing and KNOWING that you deserve better. He has no respect for you or your boundaries. What's next for him? Raping you if you say "No" to sex/being groped, and he decides he will anyway?

Please look up and talk to Women's Aid. Maybe hearing how abusive he is vocally will convince you to stand strong and get your freedom.

This would make me want it even less! How unattractive and needy. I would really start to feel that's all he wants me for and would struggle to be in a relationship with someone like this.

You may not think your DC have any idea of how he is, but they do. Is this how you want them to view women or view themselves? As a sex object, available at the whims of a man, or should they have boundaries? As a person who can just treat a female as an object to grope and harass as they wish because "dad does it and gets away with it"?

You AND your DC deserve so much better.

This was my first thought too. Almost like he is under pressure to get more material up on a website or forum.
I would put a complete stop to anymore photos and videos.

This is absolutely horrifying @Notintothis. It is so, so far from normal I cannot even tell you.

Yes!

He is unbelievably immature, married men of forty do not usually behave like that. A schoolboy might until he was slapped down.

I'd definitely LTB in such circumstances;

It definitely is not a 'normal' or 'usual' way to behave, it's pervy.

‘It’s difficult to hear, even the kindest words because the validation makes it feel real’

🥺 I bet. Totally understand. Read through the whole thread again when you’re in a more private space / time. Take it all in, every single one of us replying is on your side. You don’t need to live the way you’re living. Your kids are teenagers so you’re not bound by responsibility for small kids, which so many women are. Don’t tell him but prepare to move on. Do a Katie Holmes, if possible. You’ve got all the time on your side. Imagine your life without this sexual abuser . x

This is not normal at all. I’d feel like I was just here to serve his sexual needs. Most relationships do not involve sexting every day and requesting pics. It’s actually disturbing that he will come and watch you get changed. He sounds gross and it would give me the major ick. He knows you don’t really want sex with him, but pushes until you give in, which says it all. He doesn’t care much about your feelings.