((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

Oh and I have very big tits - he was obsessed with them! And i lived in oz, so very hot. If I wore a skimpy top - it was my fault for 'teasing him', if I wore something baggy and loose - my fault because 'he knows whats under there and that teases him'. After we split handovers with kids were horrendous, cos he would try and grope me and make suggestive remarks. Grim.

I cringe now that I stayed so long.

Oh OP, he is sexually assaulting you.

Sex without enthusiastic consent is rape.

He is a hideous sex pest.

You should be able to tell him no. Tell him ‘fuck iff’. Tell him how offputting you find him, tell him to stop touching you. Tell him that you are your own person and he doesn’t own you without him giving you the silent treatment. That is also abusive.

This is one of the worst posts I’ve ever read on here. Have you managed to get through to Women’s Aid yet?

We are all here, rooting for you, on your side. please keep posting as long as it’s helping you.

I’d call the police and report him for sexual coercive control. That’s a crime too

OP Im a social worker, with years of experience working with abused women, and lived experience as well. Ive PM'd you. I hope I can help. x

As others have said, it’s not normal at all and he’s being extremely controlling and abusive. In the first instance, don’t sit down for a chat with him, TELL him that it’s stopping and he’s not to put his hands on you. If this continues and/or he begins to get angry with you, which I suspect he will, you must take further steps, as per advice outlined by others. I wonder what he’s doing with these photos and what else he’s up to generally but first you have halt this kind of behaviour. Ignoring you is abusive and controlling.

Shame you haven't left him literally!

Every woman deserves better than him, OP.

This is oral rape, OP.

Reading that is like reading horror, honestly.

You are living in a nightmare.

PLEASE go to the Police and get yourself out.x.

At the very least - TELL PEOPLE. You do not owe him your silence.

He is sexually assaulting you every day, you are sickened and scared by his behaviour. He might tell you it’s because you’re so hot or he just can’t control himself but it is absolutely him not you. If he couldn’t control himself he would be touching everyone he saw - lack of control is something abusers say. His sexual and emotional abuse must stop. You, your body and decisions deserve respect

Oh my goodness - I have just read your thread and it could have been me writing all that! You poor woman.
Like you, I thought it was normal behaviour - my ex did everything your partner is doing to you.
I said no, I said I didn't like it, I put it in writing to him, I tried talking to him many a time - he either didn't get it or he refused to respect my wishes and my boundaries.
I used to avoid him, I'd have so many excuses to not be intimate with him and in the end, it repulsed me to have him near me.
Funnily enough, the incident that brought it all to a head was him drinking and scaring me, so I informed the police.
What followed was a very lengthy statement from me ( over six hours) of everything he had done and said to me whilst I sobbed my heart out - in some ways it was a huge release.
He was arrested that afternoon for all sorts of things, as well as coercive behaviour and rape/sexual assault.
He has been on a restraining order/domestic abuse protection order for many weeks whilst we await a court date (if they decide to prosecute).

Like you - I knew I didn't like all the unwelcome touching, grabbing, begging me for sex - it was just vile. And like you, I felt it was normal and I was being frigid and needed some mental health help (his words).

When the lovely WPC first mentioned the word 'rape' I was horrified. I remember saying that he had never held me down and forced penetrative sex on me! I would let him have sex with me now and then, even though I didn't enjoy it or I was in pain (disabled) because it was better than putting up with his moods, sulking, blaming me for him being unhappy.
She started to educate me on what rape was, especially within a relationship situation - and I also educated myself on it all.

Yes, he raped me, yes he used coercive abuse to get what he wanted from me.

Please leave him - plan it, do it safely and if you can, go and speak to a WPC at the police station and someone at Women's aid. It may take a while for your brain to accept what has happened, so for now, please believe everyone else when we say it is unacceptable, disgusting and abusive behaviour from someone who has no respect or regard for you.

Huge hug x

This is not normal or usual or typical of adult behavior. This compunction of his will get him into trouble eventually. This urge has taken him over.
He needs help
You might have to disconnect from him as any attempt to put distance between you might lead to him getting angry.

Imagine one of your teenagers started a relationship and came home and said this had happened to them. Let yourself fully feel how you’d feel when you heard it. How would you feel? How would you respond? What would you do next?

Good grief, OP, this is definitely NOT normal. My DH went through a brief period of wanting pics but I told him he didn’t ask when he was 17 so why did he think it appropriate at 47! He does have a few but he took them with my consent and I know they are locked away.
With regard to the sexting, again, we’ll do this once when we’re apart for a week or more likely, never. We’re grown ups and it’s a turn off to be a sex pest!

Just read what he did when he came home! That’s gross. I’d be LTB because this is SA.

s

@Notintothis I would inform the police before trying to talk to your partner. If he thinks you're challenging his behaviour he may well get defensive. Even if he didn't pose a threat to your physical safety, he may well share or threaten to share your photos.
If the police are informed they can confiscate his devices.

Police OP. He’s raped and sexually assaulted you. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

Just read your last couple of posts and this is more than being a sex pest, this is abuse . Get you and your children out asap!

Omg you haven’t lost reality, he has! It’s very concerning he needs therapy . Sending you a hugs anyway ☺️

Thank you so much for every message they are really helping and I'm so touched by everyone's kindness

He’s not normal in any sense of the word. He sounds utterly utterly gross.

I feel so sorry you are sharing a house with someone so lacking in decency or respect. This man needs intervention - counselling at the very least. Leaving, I get is a huge step, but to continue living with him and his constant expectations, no I couldn’t.

OP I am so sorry that this is your normal. You DON’T deserve to be sexually assaulted on a daily basis. You deserve to live in a safe environment with your children. I hope you are beginning to see that and make plans for your future. There are brilliant people on here that will help every step of the way.

Because she is a victim of abuse. Because it’s been going on for so long that it’s become her normal. Your post is nasty and victim-blaming @Nanny0gg, I hope you will apologise and ask for it to be deleted.

OP I can understand those feelings of this would be wrong for someone else but for me it’s just reality - it’s called normalisation and it happens a lot to people who are being abused.

None of this is your fault, it’s not ok and he is very abusive. You have lost perspective in this way because to survive you’ve had to make yourself handle, as best you can, the constant invasion of your dignity, privacy, peace of mind and sexual boundaries. When you shut down and go silent that’s you trying your best to protect yourself without having him escalate - which he is now doing by attempting to sexually assault you.

one thing I hope you realise is that this has nothing to do with him being sexually turned on and wanting you so much he just can’t control himself. It’s about power and control. That he’s taken you saying no and firstly given you the silent treatment and then actively tried to force you into a sexual act shows this.

He’s not got a sex addiction or a problem with wanting his wife too much - he’s got a problem with abuse. This is abuse and you didn’t cause this and it isn’t your fault. It’s his.

Hi there,
We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page. Domestic violence support | Webguide and contact details
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

This is one of the worst things I have read on the site. He regularly sexually assaults you. You dont respond to a demand to send a picture of your body (surely he must have loads by now, this is a power thing). He then comes home to sexually assault you.

I don’t know if anyone else has said this but maybe you need to call the police. Because this is rape.

this is not normal and SHOULD NOT be how life is. This is not a life. Your husband is a creepy, rapey pig