((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

You can't carry on living like this @Notintothis

Contact Refuge or Women's Aid:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline tel:08082000247 0808 2000 247

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

I've tried to get though to the women's aid chat but it's busy. Will try again later.

OP can you tell anyone in person?

I expect Mondays are busy because of a lot of women dealing with shit over the weekend. Keep trying @Notintothis

I suppose I feel like if I tell someone in real life, it becomes real and maybe I'm not there yet. I've been told for so long it's all in my head, I just feel maybe I'm over reacting and it is just all in my head and I'll say something I cant unsay. I suppose whilst I accept it feels wrong it also feels like it can't be abuse.

Yes totally get what you mean.

It does make it real and you're right to take the steps you feel ready for.

Keep talking to us.

If any man was doing to another woman what he is doing to you, he would be in prison.
What he is doing when you are asleep is absolutely vile. It is serious sexual assault.
If you get the chance call WA rather than use the chat, ring early even if you have to stay on the line they have a queue system so you will get through. They are amazing and will listen and give you solid advice.
How has he been since yesterday?

Have you got a trusted friend you can confide in? Often the first step to addressing abuse that is happening is telling someone. Victims often avoid doing this because deep down they know what’s happening is not ok and once they tell someone they have to do something about it. It can be a really scary step but having someone who loves you, whose opinion you trust, who will give you a reality check and who can support you moving forwards will be invaluable.

I have no words to describe how disgusting he is. He needs some urgent therapy. He is treating you like a sexual object. You aren't a proper person to him.

Doesn't he make you feel physically sick?

Yes he makes me feel sick. He has come home early from work. Still barely speaking to me but stood next to me, got his penis out and push my head towards it whilst grabbing my boob with his other hand. It is like my brain shuts down when he is around. And I can't protest.

You are being sexually assaulted on a daily basis. This is horrifying. You must escape this. Please please get some outside help & LTB. I’d be inclined to get him prosecuted.

You are married to a rapist who sexually assaults you. What he is doing is criminal behaviour and carries a prison sentence if you reported him and he was convicted.

He is scum, a grubby little sexual abusive cunt.

Please OP I know you’re struggling to accept the reality but you aren’t safe with this repulsive prick and I fear for your DC living under the same roof as him.

OP your freeze reaction is normal. You're doing great.
He's assaulted you today as he does every day.
You've told us. You've started to escape from it.
We're here for you.
These are criminal acts, your friends and family will support you.
Rape crisis will support you.
The Police will support you.

You and you lovely teen DCs can be free of this.

This is sexual assault. Freezing/feeling paralysed in such an awful situation is really common.

Ideally, you should call the police but if you don't feel able to do that, please contact a domestic abuse charity such as Refuge, Women's Aid or Rights of Women for advice and support.

You shouldn't have to live like this. You are a victim being forced to live with your rapist.

Jesus this is utterly harrowing. This man is a rapist and a dangerous abuser. It is so much worse than I thought @Notintothis.

He’s come home early to rape you and reassure himself that the game isn’t up for him just yet.

Jesus Christ. This man isn’t normal.

If he wasn’t getting his daily rape/sexual assault fix from the OP, he could likely be a stranger rapist. He can’t control himself it seems. OP, he needs reporting to the police as other women may be in danger once you start rejecting his advances.

This. He’s raping you as a punishment for not doing what you were told and to excerpt
his control over you.

He truly is a dangerous abusive man OP. He sees you are his possession to grope and fuck without consent - he’s probably the worst sexual abuser I’ve read about on MN and that’s saying something!

It's hard to hear. And strange because it does feel so bad when you're living it. I guess I've leant to cope and try not to think about it. It's strange how I can recognise how it would be awful from someone else, but I feel like for me, it's just life and how it is.

OMG OP! This is absolutely chilling to read! You poor thing, you do not deserve to be treated in such a dehumanising way! Please please please call Women's Aid as soon as you can. Believe me when I say, it really IS that bad! 💐

Not normal at all. He's an absolute creep!
I'd be completely exhausted by this behaviour and completely disgusted!
And from your updates it just gets worse.
You are just an object to him. You are being used and abused to satisfy his perverted ways. Please leave this arsehole!

@Notintothis How old are your children living in this overly sexualised environment

OP while you're thinking can you tell him you're not feeling well just to account for any change in your behaviour?

I’m sorry you’re living like this, OP. It’s most definitely not normal. In our 17 years together, apart from the early stage of our relationship when he worked away, my husband has never asked me for photos and would never manhandle me like that. I would HATE it and I hope you find the strength to do something about this awful situation. Your husband needs help, and if he refuses to seek it, then you - kindly - need to leave him. Good luck x

Please call the police @Notintothis and report this today. Get some sort of non-molestation order or something to keep him away from you. You must be feeling tortured and you don’t have to accept this ANY longer xx

I had this with my exDH for 21 years! He saw it as a compliment too. If I refused he would sulk, and take it out on the kids, and be a total grump - so Id give in.

Its sexual coercive control - which is a CRIME! Tell him that. My ex if I ever talk or email for any reason, still does it 8 years on (and he has a partner). He says things like, 'but i just can't control myself around you, you are soooo hot' - like Im supposed to be thrilled by this. Its disgusting, and its harassment, and if you are actually having sex or doing sexual acts (inlcuding sexual pics to appease him) then it is a crime.

Don't be me. Tell him straight.