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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

292 replies

Notintothis · 22/06/2025 10:44

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

OP posts:
Original poster
Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:36

I definitely haven't wanted to have sex with him for a very long time. I spend all my time avoiding it, until I can't anymore and have to accept his advances and let him get on with it. I think part of my issue is, that he knows I don't want it but still keeps going! I've literally woken up to his hands inside me and him wanking in bed next to me. It seems almost stupid as I know if a friend said this to me I'd be like wtf leave, but up until today it just felt like that's how relationships are but there was a niggle that maybe it isnt.

The Andy's toys reference is to the toys in toy story, where they drop to the floor when they see Andy. He says I do this when he initiates sex and ignore him. But what can I do?? He will ask me to tell him what I want him to do to me, and my brain is shouting "leave me alone" but then I know he'll just be so grumpy it's not worth speaking up

OP posts:
Original poster
Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:37

Kelim · 22/06/2025 11:33

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

It might be worth sending him something in writing stating clearly that you do not consent to him sharing pictures of you. It sounds possible that he will use the material in illegal ways, if he is not already, and this is a crime (google "revenge porn").

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

Thanks I'll take a look at this.

OP posts:
PossumHollow · 22/06/2025 11:37

This is really horrible that he’s made you feel this is normal. I had a boyfriend in my 20s a bit like this, not quite as extreme but I also felt like it was normal. I was raised with a mum who taught us all men were like this, only interested in sex constantly, so I just accepted it but it was awful. The sense he was just fixated on it, asking for it constantly, sulking , constant sexual references, phrasing it as being “serviced” 🤢 just fucking grim. It was coercive but I didn’t recognise it as that.

I eventually ended the relationship and it was only after that I realised how abnormal it really was and not all men were obsessed with sex like this. It was quite a shock.

It isn’t ok - he clearly thinks it is but it really isn’t. I’m so sorry.

Missedthis · 22/06/2025 11:41

Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:36

I definitely haven't wanted to have sex with him for a very long time. I spend all my time avoiding it, until I can't anymore and have to accept his advances and let him get on with it. I think part of my issue is, that he knows I don't want it but still keeps going! I've literally woken up to his hands inside me and him wanking in bed next to me. It seems almost stupid as I know if a friend said this to me I'd be like wtf leave, but up until today it just felt like that's how relationships are but there was a niggle that maybe it isnt.

The Andy's toys reference is to the toys in toy story, where they drop to the floor when they see Andy. He says I do this when he initiates sex and ignore him. But what can I do?? He will ask me to tell him what I want him to do to me, and my brain is shouting "leave me alone" but then I know he'll just be so grumpy it's not worth speaking up

If you do not want sex and he is continuing, that’s rape. It’s been illegal within marriage since 1991.

If he is touching you sexually whilst you are asleep and unable to consent, that’s a serious sexual assault. Also illegal.

I think you’ve been conditioned to think this is ok. Do you have anyone in real life you could talk to?

pinkdelight · 22/06/2025 11:42

Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:36

I definitely haven't wanted to have sex with him for a very long time. I spend all my time avoiding it, until I can't anymore and have to accept his advances and let him get on with it. I think part of my issue is, that he knows I don't want it but still keeps going! I've literally woken up to his hands inside me and him wanking in bed next to me. It seems almost stupid as I know if a friend said this to me I'd be like wtf leave, but up until today it just felt like that's how relationships are but there was a niggle that maybe it isnt.

The Andy's toys reference is to the toys in toy story, where they drop to the floor when they see Andy. He says I do this when he initiates sex and ignore him. But what can I do?? He will ask me to tell him what I want him to do to me, and my brain is shouting "leave me alone" but then I know he'll just be so grumpy it's not worth speaking up

He is raping you. Please get help. If you can't phone the police (yet), call Rape Crisis, Women's Aid or any of the other good ones who will be able to hear you and put this all in context. I'm sorry that you've had to go through this but glad that you've posted here and can start to see his vile behaviour for what it is.

ForWildLemon · 22/06/2025 11:44

Really sorry OP. Another voice to say this is not normal and no everyone is NOT doing it.

It is abusive certainly. And who knows what the reasons are for it - you can get into knots trying to figure it out and what the problem is but ultimately your husband is sexually abusing you. He knows this and doesn’t care.

PeapodMcgee · 22/06/2025 11:46

It's certainly at least sexual assault OP, can you manage to talk to a rape crisis centre for real life help?

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/06/2025 11:46

Blimey op, the more you drip feed the worse this sounds. I actually think you need to talk to someone about splitting up. This is not normal. He sounds unpleasant at best, and potentially dangerous at worst.

Whenim63 · 22/06/2025 11:46

Op, this is beyond awful. No, not “everyone” else is doing it. I have never and would never send a picture of myself to anyone. No issue with it but I’ve seen far too many “happily married” but fucking rancid men share them round the office. And you don’t want to do it. So stop. Let the sex pest be as grumpy as he wants.

But then I read that he’s waking you up with his hands inside you? Jesus Christ, he’s lucky he didn’t lose a limb! I would go fucking mental and he would be out on his ear, no further discussion required. He is coercing you and assaulting you and you are too scared of his moods to speak out. No op, just no, this is wrong on all levels.
I very rarely say LTB but in this case, it’s crystal clear. Leave him. He is abusive and dangerous.

boredwfh · 22/06/2025 11:47

Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:36

I definitely haven't wanted to have sex with him for a very long time. I spend all my time avoiding it, until I can't anymore and have to accept his advances and let him get on with it. I think part of my issue is, that he knows I don't want it but still keeps going! I've literally woken up to his hands inside me and him wanking in bed next to me. It seems almost stupid as I know if a friend said this to me I'd be like wtf leave, but up until today it just felt like that's how relationships are but there was a niggle that maybe it isnt.

The Andy's toys reference is to the toys in toy story, where they drop to the floor when they see Andy. He says I do this when he initiates sex and ignore him. But what can I do?? He will ask me to tell him what I want him to do to me, and my brain is shouting "leave me alone" but then I know he'll just be so grumpy it's not worth speaking up

This is rape. I had this with my ex, he would grope & pester me for sex, guilt trip me if I said no to the point I’d do it to appease him & I hated him for it, and wanted it even less. My new partner would never do this. There have been times where we’ve flirted throughout the evening & sex has been ‘on the cards’ for that night but by the time we’ve gone to bed I’m shattered. Part of me is still conditioned to just do it to appease my DP, but he has seen how shattered & said darling you’re too tired, go to bed. And even though he’s visibly turned on he’ll say ‘oh just ignore him, he’ll go away!’ Give me a reassuring hug & that’s it. It makes me feel safe & as a result I have more sex with my DP than I ever did with my ex. You need to leave this man. This is no way to live.

RandomMess · 22/06/2025 11:47

I’m so sorry you have been subject to his abusive behaviour it’s upsetting reading about it let alone how you must be feeling.

itcanonlygetbettercantit · 22/06/2025 11:48

Notintothis · 22/06/2025 10:48

If I speak to him about it he just gets huffy, says he can't help finding me attractive, everyone is doing etc. makes me feel bad for not wanting to! Like everyone else in the world is constantly at it and I'm a freak for not!!

Everyone isn’t doing it. It’s sleazy. Tell him to fuck off and stop harassing you.

MyRootinTootinBaby · 22/06/2025 11:49

I’ve never once sent my husband a sexy photo and I’d tell him to fuck off if he texted me like yours is doing. He’s a sex pest treating you like a fuck toy.

Jerrypicker · 22/06/2025 11:51

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LurkyMcLurkinson · 22/06/2025 11:53

Touching me when I’m asleep is sexual assault. Ignoring me when I decline sex is sexual coercion. Pressuring me for nudes is sexual coercion. It all needs to stop now. I am not an object for your sexual pleasure. I am your wife.

Missedthis · 22/06/2025 11:53

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That’s not the most important issue. Her husband is raping her - maybe concentrate on that rather than belittling the OP?

TheignT · 22/06/2025 11:53

Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:01

I have no idea!! He is at work most of the time so don't see how he can be.....!!!

Show quote history

Does it worry you that he might be sitting at work showing his mates the photos?

Absentmindedsmile · 22/06/2025 11:54

MyRootinTootinBaby · 22/06/2025 11:49

I’ve never once sent my husband a sexy photo and I’d tell him to fuck off if he texted me like yours is doing. He’s a sex pest treating you like a fuck toy.

Treating her like a fuck toy because that is the only way he sees her. Tits, bum and holes. She’s not a person to him. Just a way to give him pleasure. He might as well have a blow up doll.

You deserve so much more OP, and it’s out there x

IsThePopeCatholic · 22/06/2025 11:54

This is revolting behaviour. What an entitled and disgusting prick he is.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 22/06/2025 11:54

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Really not helpful, this woman is in an abusive relationship.
She doesn't know which way is up any more.
Let's cut out the victim blaming.

Original poster
Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:55

No I never really thought that he would. I mean I trusted him not to. And also, I always thought he wouldn't wanna show another man my pic as he wouldn't want another man to look at me

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 22/06/2025 11:55

He’s a sex pest and probably has a porn addiction

no you don’t have to put up with this sexual
harrassment

Original poster
Notintothis · 22/06/2025 11:57

Thank you so much to all you lovely people for these comments.

OP posts:
WinSomeandLoseSome · 22/06/2025 11:59

I had an ex like this. Made me feel like a piece of meat. I would seriously think about going it alone.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 22/06/2025 12:01

OP you are being assaulted on a daily basis. You are in a coercive relationship. You have been conditioned to accept this as normal. You believe your husband's assessment of your worth.
We are here to tell you that you don't have to accept his assessment of you. You are worth so much more than resident Stepford wife.
You've found a way to voice your own boundary. That's good. Ignore the sulking. Talk to women's aid, refuge, your GP, get his behaviour logged. See a solicitor about finances (don't let DH know you are doing any of this).
You need an exit plan. Find your inner self again, she's in there somewhere.