((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

No, not everyone is doing this. It really is just him (and maybe his mates / colleagues). My ex and I would swap pics when one of us was away on business or otherwise forcibly separated for a while, but not like daily when we’d be seeing each other in a few hours anyway!
I’d be starting to wonder after the ‘built for fucking’ comment, how much respect there was, how much glue there was keeping the relationship together apart from the sex. It’s good it’s still there but - there needs to be more than that?

That is grim! He’s a sex pest and far from normal.

Built for fucking?! Disgusting.

As he is asking for pics during his work day, I wondered if he was sharing any pics you do send with his work mates. I thought I was being cynical until “everyone is doing it “. People might be telling him that, but I’m sorry to say I think he knows they are because they are showing each other.

You could have a conversation about it, strong words and all that. But this is who he is. If he does stop being such a weirdo, you’ll still know that he’s only stopped because you won’t tolerate it, not because he agrees that it’s unacceptable.

Bloody hell @Notintothis what have I just read! Your husband's behaviour is so abnormal, it is off the scale. You need to start not worrying if you upset him and he gets huffy. He doesn't give a flying fuck that he is actually upsetting you.

You are absolutely within your rights to not be groped just going about your day. God forbid you are actually seen as an individual person with your own wants and needs. His wants don't override your wants and needs.

WTAF his hands inside you whilst you are asleep whilst he wanks himself off. This isn't about you, this is about him and him taking what he wants when he wants.

You need to set out your position clearly and unequivocally, and if he persists you need to seriously look at divorcing.

I have been with my DH the same amount of time, and he sometimes gives me a little squeeze, but no where near to the extent of your husband. It's very minimal, I can get dressed and go about my day/week like a normal person, i don't have to wear certain clothes to stop him. So the whole everyone does it is, I just fancy you is bollocks.

Anyway you are a person in your own rights and you don't like it. That should be enough.

DH you have been repeatedly sexually harassing me and abusing me with increasing severity. Whether you think that is true or not is irrelevant. Men have gone to prison for the things you have done to me. It’s stops now. As things stand, I no longer want you to touch me at all. We can go to therapy to try and figure out why you think it’s acceptable to treat me so badly and see if we can mend this, or we can separate. What do you want to do now?

Absolutely do not attempt therapy with a rapist.
I think a lot of people replying will continue to not read all OPs posts, unfortunately.

rapecrisis.org.uk

That's sexually coercive behaviour, a form of abuse.

Honestly I feel like like if I'm not cleaning, looking after the kids or having sex with him, I have no purpose and he doesn't bother with me.

It sounds as if he regards you as the family servant whom he can sexually assault/ have sex with whenever he feels like it. You might as well be a sex doll.

He sounds as if he's in the grip of a sexual obsession. I think there's a lot of it about, lots of men fuelling each other. I wouldn't send him another photo. For all you know he shares them with his mates. I would be planning to divorce.

What the hell is wrong with you. Op hasn't made any mistakes.

Buy some Anusol. Make sure you have some on your hands when your husband wants you to service him manually. Trust me, he will never ask you to do that again. (It might be good for piles but it’s burning and very painful on delicate skin, eg, a penis!)

I have read all the posts. I think she should pack a bag and run personally, I doubt therapy would change him but it might help her to realise how dangerous he is and give her the strength to leave.

He is a sex obsessed perv. Sounds like a nightmare to live with.

Seriously this is not normal and you cannot continue to live your life like this.

Keep reading OP. Allow yourself to feel the emotions and time to think and process. This will all be a shock.

Some posters will ask why you've not left, or when you'll be leaving...

You have the power of knowledge and the support of all of us here. Can you tell anyone irl?

It was bad enough anyway Op but this is so far from normal, its absolutely disgusting and is assault- you did not consent to that- at the most generous i can be he is not a well man, at all. He needs help and you need to be not with him.

@Notintothis
It's not a compliment that he finds you fuckable.
It is insulting that he is treating you like a sex object. Why isn't he tapped into your needs and desires? He doesn't seem keen on making you orgasm, only in using you like a blow up doll. Men who want their wives to want them put in a lot more effort than saying they want it now.

I agree with the recommendations to call women's aid.

He is routinely sexually assaulting you and degrading you.

There is a life of freedom - from this monstrous deviant - waiting for you OP.

This isn't an 'issue', this is rape and absolutely divorce territory. I know it's easy for strangers to say, but you really need to leave this marriage and this revolting man.

You deserve peace and respect. Neither of which will ever be possible as long as you stay with this sex pest.

I just wanted to highlight this article to you OP. To show that what he does is not normal and you shouldn't have to be flattered. It's abuse and control , pure and simple . I've seen so many threads over the years from women who have been conditioned into thinking being assaulted in their sleep or being constantly groped and pestered by their partner is normal and they should be thankful for the attention .

The sexual assault of sleeping women: the hidden, horrifying rape crisis in our bedrooms https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms?CMP=sharebtnn_url

Yet another thread that makes me feel so happy I don't have one of these things.

OP, is he showing them to people?

Wtf. Divorce

Seek legal advice asap. I personally would report him to the police and get his phone forensically examined for evidence. He might also have been sharing her photos and this is very easy to find out. This goes beyond grounds to LTB, he needs to be prosecuted as he's going to just find another woman "built for fucking" and start all over again. You need to have your children in the know when you do this. They are old enough to understand, and will respect you for taking these steps.

This. All of this.

I would end this relationship in a heartbeat.

You are an object only to him.

Please don't say this, tread very carefully. Don't let him know you're onto him (so to speak!) until you have safely lined up your ducks.