((TW SA)) Advice needed on an issue please.

[Notintothis]

Hi, just looking for opinions on this as I feel like I've lost perspective. DH is very into 'sexting' and asking for pictures of me. We are both almost 40, busy lives, jobs ect. I often work from home, writing reports and things but they do take up a lot of brain power even if I'm home. He does it constantly, will start off a conversation like "what you up to?" And within 2 or 3 texts is asking for pictures of my "tits or arse". I always let him know I'm busy working but he still asks and persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't. It will be at the most inconvenient of times too. Every day I leave the house at 7.50, at 7.48 or similar he will text saying morning, I reply hello, then get "are you getting changed?" And a request for pics. Whatever I'm doing he tries to start a conversation and it always turns to sex within a few messages. It's really putting me off speaking to him. He has me backed into a corner to as if I say I'm busy I get told I'm being mean or not interested in him. If I ignore him, he persists and says I'm like "Andy's toys" when the conversation turns to sex as I stop responding. I've literally had texts saying "ah you've turned into Andy's toys again". It's driving me mad. If I don't respond he is in a mood, but I dont want to. I've literally started to work in the office so when I get requests for pictures I can say I'm in the office, but this is super inconvenient for me and not always possible and even then he still wants to talk about it. I'll say I'm in the office and he'll be like "well what you want me to do to you if you were at home?" It's really gross. Is this normal??? Am I mean for not wanting it all the time? We have a pretty regular and decent sex life, or at least I thought we did. Few times a week, although he would like it every day. He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, some around plans and the kids but it always turns to sex within a few messages. Please give me some ideas as it's literally driving me mad! Sorry this is long

Yes, this.

That’s really sad @Notintothis
Would you feel able to think about leaving? I don’t chuck LTB out all the time, but given what you’ve said here, it sounds like it’s a) valid and b) your life might be more joyous.

Yes, everyones comments are helping a great deal and are very appreciated thank you all!!

Joining my voice to PPs, it's not normal, it's bizarre behaviour.

He is sexually assaulting you repeatedly.
You're having to wear certain clothes to prevent it or at least slow him down.

Your mental health will deteriorate.

Your teenagers are being affected.

Reflect on the idea that this stops, today. How does that feel? Because abuse-free is a normal life.

Sending strength 💪

Options:

One conversation with him to say it stops, now. If he can't accept and comply then it's over. If he can, he still needs to understand why he's doing this - therapy.

Tell him you will not be assaulted any more. Relationship is over.
Make the relevant arrangements.

Ring and speak to Police.

Support and advice
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk/

*Edited a typo

He said you were built for fucking??? I’m not a violent person but fucking hell, I’d have kicked him in the bollocks!

Do you want him and enjoy him constantly touching you up? If the answer is no then he’s sexually abusing you.

Stop with the pictures. Let him sulk. Tell him straight that he’s a fucking letchy perv and to grow up.

The biggest issue is that you have told your husband to stop and you don't like it, yet he still persists. Your word should be enough for him to stop. How old is your husband? Could this be an age issue, where he's getting older and needs to prove to himself that he's virile?! Regardless, of what's causing it, you are being made to feel like a piece of meat, that's only there for his pleasure. I think you need to be blunt, and say to him his constant sexting, grabbing you etc is making you feel like a piece of meat and that you have zero value in his eyes other than a sexual object. You need to spell it out to him. The fact he sulks when you say no, is pathetic, he's a grown adult. None of this is normal behaviour, and there's got to be a reason behind his behaviour, especially if he's never been like this from the start of your relationship. Yes, as a woman we like to feel our husband/boyfriend/partner finds us attractive, but there's ways and means of showing that. I've been with my husband 19 years, married 17, and my husband has never asked for pictures or has attempted to sext me.

There were multiple things in your post that made me think that any man can get a wife. And you have children together too 😐

Was he like this from the beginning??

He's sex-obsessed. That's the number 1 thing on his mind is seems, above general life, above you, your personality, feelings or experience. Massive turn off, and no, it's not normal.

This has made my skin crawl, no op, this is not even remotely normal behaviour from him.

I had a friend who had a husband like this. He complained when she was in hospital for 3 days for a minor op that he wasn’t going to get sex! They’re divorced now!

You have teenagers? Imagine a man treating your daughter like this or your son thinking it’s ok to treat a gf as a sex toy.

It’s absolutely repulsive behaviour. He’s abusive

What have I just read????? NO this is NOT normal at all, neither is the groping and constant harassment. He needs professional help. Don't send anymore photos say it's a data protection concern. Personally I'd withhold any intimacy until he had booked with a therapist.

His behaviour is actively sexually abusive. My DH has a high sex drive and gets touchy feely when he has the opportunity, but it's all in fun and never if I'm not responding or not in the mood. Your DH is pushing you into sexual activity you actively don't want and he knows you don't want it. This is abuse.

Your 'DH' is a sex-pest. He is grossly disrespectful, interrupting your working day to demand 'sexts' (what is he, a teenage boy?) and to see parts of your body. YOUR body. Which belongs to you, until the moment you decide you want to share it.

He does it constantly,
That's the 'pest' bit.
persists or gets annoyed if I don't/can't.
This is where it gets abusive. He's demanding porn from you, and being angry if you don't provide it. What are you, his sex-slave?
"are you getting changed?" And a request for pics.
What's he doing with these photos? Men get kudos from their pervy mates for sharing this kind of stuff.
It's really putting me off speaking to him.
Quite right. And it should put you off living with him. He's an abuser.
Andy's toys
I don't know this reference. I live a simple life.
If I don't respond he is in a mood
It's coercion and it's illegal.
what you want me to do to you if you were at home?
He's definitely sharing this.
Is this normal?

1. No, definitely not.
2. Wouldn't matter if everyone else was doing it, you don't have to. So DON'T. . He is constantly grabbing me, feeling me up, etc. there is very little conversation about anything else, He is an abuser. He sees you as his property, an object to give him sexual release. He will be sharing you, and he might be making money from it. Please give me some ideas
3. Get legal advice about the coercion, maybe ask the police.
4. LEAVE THE BASTARD. REALLY.

I couldn't cope with this. He's treating you like an object. I'd sit him down as soon as you see him and explain that while your flattered he's so attracted to you, you need your relationship to be a meeting of the minds as well as bodies. If he can't be open to hearing how you feel about this then you don't really have a relationship; you have an only fans account.

I would be reporting him to the police and leaving, maybe not in that order. It's disgusting. He is abusing you. How long before you are having sex you don't want? We know the word we use for that. The sulking is a form on coercive control, that's illegal too.

No everyone else isn't doing it. Tell him you're worried about his cognitive function, if his memory is so bad he can't remember what you look like without a picture then it sounds like he could well be a danger to himself and others - how does he remember to get dressed? Drive? Do his job?

You have been with him a long time. What was he like in the days before phones and sending pics and online porn?

Jeez, he sounds like a 15 yr old. Huge red flag 🚩 and I would kick him to the curb.

I agree that’s he’s not got a condition nor is he out of his own control. He’s a grown up, with a wife and teenage children.

This is not normal in a loving relationship. It’s hideous. He sounds awful, in fact I feel a bit sick thinking about the creep.

Imagine being with a man with whom you could have good conversations with, and good sex, who finds You interesting, not just your tits. Who is kind and caring, who asks what you think.

He's truly pathetic, sorry. Can you imagine another 20years with this sex pest? If not I seriously would be thinking about other options.

It reminds me of a friend who had a serious car accident. She could barely move even a few weeks later. Plaster casts etc. Her husband barely looked after her and actually tried to have sex with her in the hospital. Her husband. Jfc. He sounds like that prince.

Yuk yuk yuk

personally I would be sitting him down and telling him he is a sex pest and it’s not a good look, that you work and are working when he texts, that’s his comments are degrading and nasty and off putting and do not make you feel wanted. That you have had enough and won’t be responding to any texts from now on

Sweetheart I'm so sorry. This is no kind of marriage and you need help and support to get yourself back so that you can live your life without this denigration. He does not own you and his needs are not yours to fulfil. It's a huge and positive thing that you've spoken up about this and come to realise it's not you at fault AT ALL. He is abusive and will continue to be so to make you doubt yourself and to assert his dominance, but you are stronger than you think.

I’ve got an idea for you, block his number and LTB.

Your teenage children are picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, and I daresay they know something is badly amiss between you and their dad. Their own home is not the sanctuary it should be to them either.

I would also be reporting him to the police and seeking legal advice on divorce. Sexual coercion is illegal and no not everyone else is doing this. You are not a piece of meat to be gawped at by him.

I was thinking the same, just block him. I would have lost my shit a long time ago

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

It might be worth sending him something in writing stating clearly that you do not consent to him sharing pictures of you. It sounds possible that he will use the material in illegal ways, if he is not already, and this is a crime (google "revenge porn").

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/