Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

OP, best case scenario is he will get a years pay if this is truthfully the case.
There is no way he is getting pension like numbers.

This is pure Walter Mitty bullshit.
You are reading as deluded as he is.
Whistle-blowers don't get massive payouts.
I would highly recommend you google payouts for whistle blowers in the UK, they are modest, maximum usually a years pay, which would be 70k.
Nothing even approaching a pension.
This is really basic stuff, easily sought and found online.

Your thread doesn't say he proposed but that 'he said he would even sign a prenuptial so there would never be any threat to my finances.'

So he's jumped ahead to finances (and a pre-nup isn't binding in the UK).

He was a head hunted for a salary of 45k? Usually people who are head hunted earn a lot more.

@nomas, there is a separate category of claims for what is called "automatic unfair dismissal" which covers employees who have worked for their employer for less than 2 years.

However, @Jemjemima I'm not sure that he will be able to claim what amounts to a "pension" from his automatic unfair dismissal claim (due to whistleblowing). In part because he only worked for the company for such a short period of time. Even if his employer was found to have breached the ACAS code of conduct with regards to the legal procedures that led to his own dismissal, that would still only result in a 25% uplift to his claim, which potentially could be quite small because he only worked there for such a short period of time. He could also claim injury to feelings but in order to get the top amount of £34k+, he would have to evidence a long campaign of victimisation, which again sounds unlikely given he was with his employer for such a short period of time. Most people only ever get a few K, if they can provide medical evidence for the hurt feelings.

Has he found another job since he was dismissed?

@Jemjemima I listen to podcasts about romance scams, I suggest you do the same and see if there is anything you recognise in this relationship. Love bombing is a hallmark of romance scams, and love bombing is also present in real life relationships when someone is trying to manipulate you into doing what they want, or into having a relationship.

He sounds like he is love bombing you. Does he seem to too good to be true? Why is he going out for meals if he has no money? Does it all seem too good to be true? Has he made himself into the perfect man for you, mirroring everything that you like? Does he have disasters that are out of his control? Why was he talking about pre-nuptial agreements and therefore marriage so early on? Love bombers and romance scammers move very fast, faster than you would normally expect. Why do you have gut reactions? Because they are trying to tell you something, please listen to them!

He showed a giant red flag when he said you were only thinking about money!

Please listen to the red flags! By staying in touch with him, you are giving him the chance to get back in. You are also wasting time you could use on yourself, your friends and family, or to meet someone else. You don't have to stay in touch with an old boyfriend. Ghosting means cutting off contact without any explanation, not amicably explaining that you would like to end the relationship.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/romance-scam-rebellion/id1826454334

Love Bombed
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0f1rkfw?partner=uk.co.bbc

You need to cut contact now. It’s over. You’re not ghosting him now you’ve told him it’s done

@Jemjemima I understand it. Mine has been reaching out to me (and I'm caving too right now).
You're still both in the 'limerant, fizzy new passion' stage.
It will last a further a 12/18 months.

The good bits are still good.

The bad stuff (which is the main topic in the thread as none of us have the emotions you do) is always there.

You can always refer back to it in the future.

If you get drawn back just do the following:

1: Don't have him staying at yours barely at all and never let him get cosy for a full long weekend. And never when the teens are there. Keep your space as yours (and the kids). Don't let him encroach on it in any way.
Overnights you can stay at his.

2: Stop discussing the 'future'. Live this relationship in the present. Ignore him if he tries to bring it up.

3: Work on yourself. Social life outside work/ family/ him. Even if it's just 1 evening/ hobby per week. Carve out a social space that's just for you.

4: If he suggests a 50/50 weekend away somewhere just go. You know you will NEVER combine finances with this man. You know he will NEVER live with you for free. You know this and you'll stick with it. His financial future is not your problem to solve.

It took me 4 years post divorce to feel comfortable living solo. All this stuff takes time.

See him as a panacea, a distraction and stay with your gut feeling.

I know I'll get flack for this post but I'm going through similar emotions right now and I understand how our brains try and fight the gut feeling.

His work issues/ no pension issues/ tribunal stuff/ knight in shiny armour stories are not your problems. They're his. You can listen but they're not your issues to solve.

I said it many posts ago. Enjoy the good stuff and discard the bad and at some point the bad will overtake the good and you'll know when that happens 🙂

@Lifeislove several issues with your approach:

1. The longer OP stays in this relationship the more time she is wasting not being able to meet someone decent or compatible. She's in her 50s- what happens when she gets to age 63 and thinks shit, I've wasted the last 7 years on this irresponsible dickhead and in all that time I could have met a decent one? you dont want to be wasting time in your 50s. Life is too short for that.
2. Why drag something on that you know is inevitably going to end? thats just hurting yourself and horribly, hurting someone else.
3. Dangerous- all the time this bloke has his feet under the table he can manipulate the OP. This strategy is like playing with fire and saying you wont get burnt.

@Lifeislove, you're projecting.

OP has shown she is having a hard time saying no and this guy blew past normal boundaries in record time. He didn't listen to her no when he love bombed her about their future in the house she's going to buy. He gives not one fuck about her kids shown by his wanting to move in with/marry OP when they barely knew each other. How are kids of a pretty recent divorce going to deal with a lying, pushy new guy in their safe space when they're trying to get adjusted to the new norm of divorce?

He's still spending, he's got the gym and expensive supplements and either still has his lease or bought a different car and was taking OP out. He "found" a magic pension when OP was going to break up with him before.

His ethics are questionable. He had big credit card debt and his plan was to default and then when his debt was sold on, to pay that company less than he borrowed. That's a clear view into his mindset. He doesn't pay money he owes.

He manipulates OP. He guilt trips her. He tells her fibs and feeds her bullshit and tells her what she wants to hear all while ignoring her no.

I don't think I am. I'm just reading it as it is.

He's already slipping and showing true colours but she's struggling to resist him again. That's the part I do understand. All logic says walk away but part of her can't seem to.
Thats why I said not to have him in her home if she did restart it.
As he reveals more of his true intentions, it'll hurt less to finish it.
I suppose it's rip off the plaster now or go for slow soak off.

You need to end things with him and block all contact with him. He sees you as his long term purse and probably his nurse. He will move in, be glad for you to spend your money on him, his debits and his car.

His credit cards are still being declined (how shameful), he has huge debt (that he is trying to attribute to events 20 years ago), but still has a car on finance and pays gym membership. He has very little in his pension.
He has been living the high life for years and refuses to accept that he needs to get his life in order.

At this stage he needs to pay off his debts and build up his savings. He can't afford holidays, meals out ect. As Dave Ramsey says your broke so the car payments stop, that car is sold and he buys an old banger for cash or he has no car until his debt is paid off.

You mentioned the HSE so I know you live in Ireland. He needs to check out his prsi stamp history and see if he will get his contributory pension. If he worked in the UK he maybe able to pay for his stamp their and this may give him extra income later on.

At the moment it all about how he looks but he has no commitment to clearing his debt and getting his life in order. Instead he is still spending and getting into more debt despite being in debt for the past 20 years.
He will keep telling you what you want to hear and you let him move in.
After all your years of hard work and having kids that needed to be funded through college your just going to throw it away for this looser

After all your years of hard work and having kids that needed to be funded through college your just going to throw it away for this looser.

It’s not even just all about the money that he will drain and acquire from the OPs DCs - it’s also about the likely erosion of the respect, integrity and bond the OP has with her own children - because these types will slowly and subtly ease them out and come between them. Your DD will unconsciously be uncomfortable but unclear as to why she is feeling uncomfortable and will start to detach.

I wonder if the OP wants to celebrate Christmas and her one year anniversary with this guy.

Why would anyone put themselves through this? What does it achieve? He has been grooming her from day one. Her heart has fallen for it, her gut is screaming out against it but her head is in cognitive dissonance hence the thread, hence the flip flopping of resolve.

It would be so exhausting to be so constantly hyper vigilant (not to mention disingenuous) and an emotionally vulnerable and gullible woman recently out of a long marriage will lose (she has already IMHO and much, much more than money) against this highly manipulative and reckless character because he will not give up (he hasn’t) as she is his meal ticket for the rest of his life.

At 59 he is now staring into the abyss - his employment opportunities, earning capacity, retirement prospects and lifestyle options are much more severely limited than they were when he moved on from his previous relationships when he had time to be so cavalier - now things are stark and he is desperate.

So someone so desperate, wielding his (evidenced) manipulative powers, driven from such intentional survival motives will be no match for the groomed, starry eyed, love-bombed OP. He will win this easily.

The answer is that the OP needs to focus on developing her own emotional stability so that she can support her DCs who have suffered a family breakdown. This is all too soon and her DCs don’t need their DM’s finite time amd mental capacity to be preoccupied with this character and his ongoing antics.

He has never stayed at
my house - he made it clear he wouldn’t while my daughter is still living
at home. I don’t I tend to let him move in.

I get how hard this is for you, OP, and how desperately you want to hang on to what you have found, especially after a crap marriage.

But take a step back and ask yourself if you had never met this man but your daughter came to you in a few years time and gave you all the same facts, what would you advise her?

Yes, conmen always have a big payout coming from somewhere. Next he will be asking for a loan as his money is coming through soon.

I would be very wary if I was you op. He actually sounds dodgy. Do not understand any circumstances lend him money and keep your ID and cards secure.
If you really think he is a nice guy, just keep it casual for now, or even take a short break to check your feelings. No phone or SM calls either. Confidence tricksters keep you under a spell. Keep your mind on your own goals, which you deserve and are entitled too.
I really hope I am wrong and everything goes well for you.

One thing to have a mispent youth, but most of us grow up by at mid thirties, early 40s at the latest.

Surely that would have been mentioned though. Wouldn't be surprised if there weren't kids in his pas though. And a mother who was left holding the baby.

Okay, I understand that what I’m about to say may feel a bit old-fashioned or out of its time, but the sentiment has existed for many years—and in truth, it still lingers today. Traditionally, a father might ask a suitor, “What are your prospects?” In other words, “Alright, son—how are you going to take care of my daughter and any future family?”
The young man might reply, “Well sir, I have a steady job, I’ve saved some money, I can afford to rent or buy a place, and I love children.”
This attitude may seem outdated, but at its core, it reflects something most of us still want: safety and security.
So the real question becomes: aside from debt and what seems like very little security—especially regarding his future—what is he bringing to the proposed marriage? That he might be a good sexual partner? That he can make you laugh? That he’s polite to your friends and family?
He may well be a genuinely nice person, but honestly, his views on basic life skills and responsibilities seem a bit skewed, worn down, or perhaps even absent altogether. Entering into a marriage with nothing practical to offer isn’t just unwise—it shows a lack of readiness for the commitment involved.
And it’s worth remembering that marriage is, quite literally, a contract. The moment you sign, you’re giving a part of yourself to another person. Marriage is one of the easiest things to step into, but one of the hardest to step out of.
So yes, this may sound like an old-fashioned perspective, but it comes from a time when things were built to last—when washing machines ran for ten years, cars did hundreds of thousands of miles, and Wagon Wheels were bigger.

"I don't intend to let him move in" - so you are back together then? why would you even mention this if you have split up.

You poor sod. He's playing you like a fiddle.

So you DO have money and energy for a moocher! Good luck with that.

This is such a good point.

…”he made it clear he wouldn’t when my daughter was still living there….”

Goodness you sound impressed that he’s dictating the timeline re your DDs home and family life - this is not his call. Watch the slow creep on ‘his’ boundary.

Agreed.