Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

Him asking her to marry him is a massive insult isn't it? He's offering nothing but could take everything.

….not just from her but from her children.

Keep focused on your DCs. This is the best investment. Mine are a few years older than yours - 3 have graduated and 1 just started uni. It’s my absolute pleasure to see them as independent, hardworking, financially savvy, ambitious and emotionally stable young people. It required a lot of dedication and focus from me over the last 10 very difficult years to nudge them through. And I do think that they need your emotional support and financial direction until they are 25. Best of luck to you.

@Kweenbeee has got it. One of mine has graduated and the other in their last year and seeing them setting up as independent adults after some tough years with serious crises, I know that focusing on them was the right decision. I will never regret that.

As for *he has said that he wasn’t enough at the end of the day and it was just about the money, making me feel shallow , pfffft. *

It was about prioritizing your kids, not a financially incontinent man. That he tried to guilt trip you for that, give me a break.

You did nothing wrong. You didn't lead him on. You told him he's not moving in or getting married. He chose not to listen to your no. You have priorities, your kids and their education, that letting him move in or marry would totally screw up. And he knew that. He didn't really care about your priorities here.

Besides, you'd been dating less than a year and with your kids still living with you, it would be a bad idea to move a guy in so soon. He knows that too.

I think you dodged a big bullet.

I appreciate you can’t always say this is the case but in the main I think middle class guys with a bit of wastrel in them seek middle class women with secure homes and assets and jobs to keep them in that MC lifestyle, whereas I think working class male wastrels seek other working class women with a secure home ideally , or at least ‘a home’ plus access to regular funds , be that a job or benefits -

I'd respond back, yes it is about the money, MY money! Why would you subsidise a man who has just drifted through life. We all reap what we sow. We don't then look about to get what others have sown.

It's all about the money with him!

Well he would say that, wouldn’t he!

Avoid him completely now. Have a neutral script if people as who you don’t care to tell details ask what happens. One option would be: ‘I don’t want to financially support a man’

@Jemjemima

So glad to hear you have got rid of him

Interesting his turn of phrase to you

and it was just about the money

You do realise that what we say reflects our feelings so his feeling not yours?
He has actually confessed right there but still wants to blame you
Hand his words back, don't internalise them
His words are not your feelings
Your distress and panic attacks are a huge warning signal.
Good luck for the future, I would suggest some robust counselling before you embark on another relationship

Indeed, I am sorry you are hurting OP but you made the right decision and I think deep down you know that - our gut doesnt lie.

Looking back at what he said to you, I think he was manipulating you - funny how the moment you expressed concern he suddenly found an old pension isnt it? so many red flags here it was a parade.

You dodged a bullet.

"money is "vulgar" to dwell on"

When it comes to figuring out how to earn it.
Not when it comes to paying bills though.

I am sad that he has said that he wasn’t enough at the end of the day

Please note, OP, that HE said this. Those words never passed your lips. And he said it because he wanted you to feel guilty and he wanted you to reassure him that it was never that he wasn't enough - perhaps to the extent of retracting your breakup.

I've known several men like this. They come over all humble and 'I'm so sorry I can't live up to your ideals, I am only a mere mortal and I strive to do better but am shackled by my humanity', all whilst staring at the floor like a scolded five year old. It's all an act. They secretly think they are better and cleverer than you and that you will be so desperate to prove them wrong that you will take them back. They really do think that we are that stupid.

I really feel for you making such a difficult decision. I admire the way you have put yourself and your children first when it can be so tempting to put emotional support and intimacy first. They will still happen. You have plenty of time yet when you feel ready for another relationship.

Eventually that comment from the man at the beach bar will be something you look back on with humour and you won't feel conflicted by your decision. Well done on being brave now instead of getting into a position which you ultimately regret.

He showed his true colours with his last stab at gaslighting, guilt and shame attempt. Don't fall for that shit OP. It wasn't just about the money. His lack of money shows deeper failings of his fly by night casual freeloading personality. He lacked depth, planning, provision, living within your means, saving a bit for a rainy day rather that frivolously spending it all on a one time high, planning and securing your long term safety. all the things that sensible people do. He didn't. Then tries to desperately guilt trip you for wanting these normal safety measures. What a twat he is!

All of this!!
Earlier, in the thread I was shouted down for stating this indicated personality issues as the underlying cause.

I think you might the right call, OP.

I've just read back through all of your posts, and while it was kind of him to help his sister out, why the hell was he providing her with a roof over her head without considering his own needs for shelter and long-term security? This is quite likely to rebound on his own DC as he gets older.

Someone's financial status, so long as they have been able to work, is part of the picture to consider as it reflects on their capacity to plan and live within their means. As I said waaaay up the thread, my father was financially useless and I wouldn't go near a bloke in his 50s with no assets and credit card debt, because it is so fucking stressful living with someone with that attitude to money.

Good luck for the future.

ETA, perhaps some kind of white knight syndrome with his sister - and with stepping in with the bloke at the bar when you first met him. He likes to feel good, kind and generous but doesn't back it up with any sort of long-term wisdom about his own position and the impact that will have on those around him, either now or in the future.

@EdithStourton yes the ‘White Knight’ / ‘Damsel in Distress’ dynamic might well be part of it - all of that is totally for his own ego - to be seen by others as the hero - when the reality is this ‘gesture’ seemingly cost his own young children a roof over their heads with him throughout their lives as he was always in rented. Odd that this was never a priority for him.

Also who knows the details - most probably exaggerated and manipulated to suit the current conversational need. He may have only bunged her a fiver. Same as he was on £70k/year (to impress her) but on the next conversation when trying to justify his lack of resources only £45k/year?

So agree with the posts above.

Him being a white Knight, stories of saving his sister and others, sure thats how ye met, he stepped in.

Didn't feel the need to save his children though🤔, something that will no doubt impact them, their father not owning a home, providing a safe base.

He's a bullshitter and he was counting on you.

The humble regret at his "failings".

His digs at you are the real him.
The entitlement to a soft landing for his future.

I would so recommend that you do retirement calculations to show yourself the math in black and white.

Also your children are part of the boomerang generation to come that could be needing to live at home on and off till their 30's as housing and CoL just gets worse.

You are who they need to be solid and dependable.

Don't underestimate how long your children will need you.
It is just awful to be in your early 20's and find a new partner in the new home your parent has, post divorce.

It is a huge sadness for those young people.
My children have friends in that situation and it has caused them such quiet grief.

One thing their parents divorcing, but the new dynamic in both homes, with new partners has and continues to be, really traumatic, for kids that grew up with decent parents in good homes.

I find it heartbreaking to witness as I know these kids a long time.
You don't stop needing your parents in your early 20's.

100% agree with this @Jemjemima @Frequentlyincorrectbut

You don't have to think bad of him. You don't have do doubt your own attractiveness, or his love for you. You don't have to judge yourself for falling in love with him.

It is entirely possible that for him - he met you, fell in love with you, happy ever after. All genuine. But there's something missing in that he's not recognising his own financial poverty and your comparative wealth. He's blind to that, and in love.

Either that or he's not so blind to it. He's secretly relieved that you are solvent. Phew!! In love and secure. A double win.

But for you it's not the same. You are financially aware, you recognise an imbalance. You know how your own values and security align with financial security and being able to support yourself and your dc. You recognise that he is not quite on the same page, well not even in the same book to be honest.

That is a big deal. It is a big, big deal for a relationship and there are no easy solutions. That's why you're having such a visceral reaction.

Trust your gut. Trust your gut on his honesty and the fact that he loved you. Trust your own gut on the feelings you have/had for him. Trust your gut on the discrepancy in your values and that sadly this lovely, kind supportive relationship isn't going to work out for you. Be sad, grieve, lick your wounds, recover. You will.

Of course, it's also possible that he played you, was manipulative, only wanted to marry you for your money. But I sense that you are to aware and wise to have that kind of bullshit wool pulled overyour eyes.

I once had to make a similar but different decision over the man that set my heart alight. 20 years on I am wistful, but utimately glad. It was the right decision.

X

Well done OP and I am sorry. the only thing i thought when you explained how he ended up in this situation, including a rough idea of what he had earned, was that he simply couldnt have paid for all the things he has said he paid for. It just doesnt add up. I think he may have exaggerated a lot of the things in his list of costs. Other wise posters have said as much.

i think there is a two fold point to consider, firstly has he been badgering you for money? and has he any inkling of what assests cash or otherwise that you have, if he is not badgering you now he may be playing a long game. I would avoid getting finacially tied to him, also has he asked for Marriage? that would get you totally snookered. the other point. I would be looking at where and how has he accrued this debt? does he have any obessions that he spends money on. alcohol -drugs-gambling. For me based on what you wrote there are just too many Red Flags and Alarm Bells. frankley his problems are not yours to carry. You have gone successfully through your life to start going backwards.

Frequentlyincorrectbut
Thank you for that - on the nose btw! He is in love and will practically do anything for me. He has never asked me for a penny and this last week he has done everything to convince me he will never want a thing nor threaten the kids inheritance. The marriage proposal came from a date we were on and we had had such a wonderful time that I think he simply let his emotions run away with him. He apologised the next day - hoped he hadn’t scared me off. He has said in the past that he is under no illusions he may be Mr Right for now, that after my divorce, I may need time, but he is willing to take the chance. He has acknowledged his financial situation this last week as being grave and hugely unsettling for me. He doesn’t want me to feel this. I am in Bangkok at the moment visiting my son for his 21st birthday so am using this time to spend time with him and get some head space. Xx

Er, I thought you broke up with him? When did the marriage proposal happen?

He is playing the long game and will absolutely expect to live in your house until his death.

It’s in the thread!

Ages ago! We are adults and still communicating - I don’t do ghosting - way past my demographic!

He’s a chancer.

Still trying different tactics to get his feet under the table.

Ghosting is disappearing without any communication. Breaking up with someone and having an honest end to a relationship is not ghosting.

Bloody hell, @Jemjemima have you lost your mind? Why are you still in touch with this person. There is a massive difference between ending a relationship and ghosting someone. Of course he is asking you to marry him - that's desperation screaming at you. Follow your gut and step away from this. Only drama and misery lies ahead if you keep stringing this guy along.