Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

WTF? you can end a relationship civilly without ghosting someone. Its not either ghost them OR stay in contact for the rest of your life is it?

Of course he still wants to keep communicating with you- he's hoping to wheedle his way back in isnt he. I think you are being quite naive here.

You made the initial decision for a reason. A gut feeling that it wasn't right for you. Nothing has changed. It would be kinder for you to stop all communication. You are just giving him hope otherwise.

Seems he is telling you exactly what he thinks you want to hear. He’s back tracked from his initial bitter personal attack / outburst that it was all about the money for you - to now re strategising with different words and tone ‘he understands etc’ and the setting out his new financial proposal - he will never as you for money - maybe he means direct cash - but his plan would be to ‘share’ and participate in all your hard earned resources.

He’s ‘subtly’ begging, and is desperate to hang on to his gravy train, slowly boiling you as the frog. He’s emotionally manipulating you for the long game. He’s made a lot of progress and is doing well.

I hate debt, but as long as he lives elsewhere, enjoy the company, then it doesn't touch you or yours.

The more I think about this, the more wrong it is. You expressed very grave concerns about his situation. It was so concerning you had what you described as a panic attack and then you ended things with him.

If he genuinely loved you, he would not now be proposing marriage. He would see how deeply and profoundly you were uspet by his financial insecurity and he would have backed off. He would be respecting your decisions and honouring your concerns. He is not in love with you @Jemjemima , he is desperate to keep you.

None of this is healthy. You should be no contact with him fully and completely until you get your head straight. That is not "ghosting". That is a mature and considered approach to a situation that was so upsetting for you it gave you a panic attack.

Breaking things off cleanly, as you had done, is NOT ghosting.

By keeping contact, you're opening yourself - and him - up for more pain. Because this relationship is NOT going to work, because there is a fundamental and serious incompatibility: his financial irresponsibility.

No matter what he says, a man his age is NEVER going to magically become financially responsible, even if he desperately wants to impress a woman. This incompatibility will not go away. Any talk about improving will be performative. He WILL NOT CHANGE.

Instead of spending energy and time on trying to force a relationship that has such a glaring and worrying incompatibility, wouldn't you rather spend it on healing and then finding a more suitable, more equal partner?

You have a lot to lose here. You've built up this steady calm secure path for yourself and your kids. Don't let a guy telling you how much in love he is with you steer you off this path.

You are a catch. There are other, more suitable men out there.

Coming at this from my own experience. My partner of 12 years had nothing when we met except a small teacher's pension. He was 50 then. He left his marriage with nothing as his wife would need the house for the kids and he felt guilty for leaving. He made no claim on it. Then he lived with a friend and helped them do up their house in his free time. Then a long term girlfriend to live with.
He spends whatever he has, mostly on others and his kids. His clothes are tatty, his car is old, no debt but no savings either. It's generosity plus no thought of the future.
We bought a renovation house together, he took out loans, I used savings. It's now sold and we're buying our forever home, another cheap DIY renovation project. He works continuously, both in his paid job and on our project or our kids homes. Would give his last penny to anyone in need and is selfless. We have learned to play to our strengths. When load was paid off he transfers the same amount to me to save on his behalf. I am all about the sensible future saving and planning. He is all about the live in the moment. We balance each other well but it took a long time to figure out the balance. He would and does anything for me, my happiness is and the happiness of the kids is more important to him than his own.
I genuinely thought our different financial attitudes wouldn't work but they do now as he has delegated it to me effectively as he knows I am better at it and will look out for him e.g. sorting out the best phone deal, car insurance etc.
I value his loyalty, kindness and selflessness as financially I'm ok so I don't need that from him. I do need his love, friendship, companionship and humour. Life is much better with him than without.

I agree with the posters that say you don't have to think bad of him or doubt how he felt about you.

I don't think he's done anything wrong and he is right when he says that at the end of the day he wasn't enough and that it's about the money. But that doesn't mean that you need to feel shallow about it. You prefer to have financial security and that's fine I'd probably be the same.

I still don't see why if you continue to live separately and keep your finances separate why you couldn't continue to see him as you seemed to enjoy his company and being with him.

@wantmorenow don't you think there is a difference between someone how simply hasn't been very wealthy and has done the right thing by their family and someone who has demonstrated financial recklessness? Your partner sounds as though he made sure his family were secure and that didn't leave him with much. That is different to racking up debt despite having earned a fairly decent salary, inherited money and got half a house in the divorce but has somehow arrived at nearly 60 with nothing but two tiny pensions.

Worst case scenario - he’s a conman and this is yet more BS, along with the 75k job he was ‘unfairly’ dismissed from (probably for lying). He will lie and con about anything & everything.

Best case scenario - he has weak boundaries, zero sense, and will give away his last penny to placate and facilitate the poor behaviour of others. He will move on to using your money to fund his feckless associates/family.

👆🏻 They are both shit scenarios.

My MIL is 77 and only has her state pension. She worked for the NHS for almost 30 years, and it blows my mind that she didn’t opt in, cos money’s pretty tight for her.

She’s deliberately helpless about money and blithely let her husband take the wheel for the finances.
‘Oh, Dad’ll sort it’ to everything!

FIL now has dementia, bless him, and is in a home now.

Where’s the 21yo son in Thailand come from? I thought you had two teenagers? 😵‍💫

He impulsively proposed marriage a long time ago or now? Either way, he's Love bombing you.

You are 10 months into this. You have kids still living in your home that you have to finance through college. And he thinks it is fine for you to bring a near stranger into your home with a teen girl there?

That he's not considering your kids needs would be enough for me to call it. That's a selfish man, to think he can foist himself into a home where there's been a recent divorce and your kids will actually need a bit more of you, not less. They don't need a strange dude in their safe space. They need more from you financially too. He's not giving you time to think because you would see the red flags he's flying.

Marriage would give him half ownership of your home where you are, correct? And prenups can be broken fairly easily?

Not talking after a breakup is pretty normal. In your case, it's not a good idea because he's doesn't respect your no and when things don't go his way, he likes to guilt you. If he doesn't respect your no here, you think he's going to respect it anywhere else?

He's desperate. He may care about you but he also sees a nice cozy retirement slipping away where you'll be funding what he wants to do, not your kids' education. He knows how to work you by playing on your guilt when you've done nothing wrong. He's already let his mask slip but you've got a real blind spot where he's concerned.

He impulsively proposed marriage a long time ago or now? Either way, he's Love bombing you
You are 10 months into this. You have kids still living in your home that you have to finance through college. And he thinks it is fine for you to bring a near stranger into your home with a teen girl there?
That he's not considering your kids needs would be enough for me to call it. That's a selfish man, to think he can foist himself into a home where there's been a recent divorce and your kids will actually need a bit more of you, not less. They don't need a strange dude in their safe space. They need more from you financially too. He's not giving you time to think because you would see the red flags he's flying.

I'm afraid I agree. He's sold you this narrative that he is practically Gandhi - giving away all of his money to people who need it more leaving himself with nothing. Not an ounce of personal responsibility there is there? it was all done for completely noble reasons. I am surprised he didnt tell you he sold his house to donate it all to a donkey sanctuary since he's so damn caring blah blah blah.

Now, this saint wants to marry you and move into your home with your teenagers who are likely still reeling from their parents splitting up.

He sounds selfish and highly manipulative and frankly, I am shocked you'd even consider this just because he's good in bed. Wow.

I kind of had a feeing you wouldn't leave him OP. Powerful aphrodisiac, someone adoring you, being good in bed.

Declarations such as 'I wouldn't take a penny' are meaningless as he doesn't have a decent pension, or a house, or assets, or savings all of which you have, so every time you go out and he spends money on you, he's accruing more debt.

If you can honestly leave him to live in his rental, and only pay what he can afford (very little, not holidays, not dinners out) and still have a relationship, great, but that wouldn't be what you want in terms of lifestyle.

All other options are basically giving your hard-earned money and security to him to the detriment of your children (marriage, him moving in).

Maintain separate households and see how he is with money. I know the answer, I think even you know the answer, but its intoxicating and you seem to want to learn the hard way. I watched my mum take in someone with no pension and no assets at the same age into our family home and it ended in tears, but nothing would have prevented her, so that's what happened.

He was also very hard to remove when it all went tits up as well, including having to get solicitors and police involved. He wasn't nice then or loving and he was finding out how to claim a portion of the house when he had never paid rent. Don't be that person!

This sounds like Trauma Bonding

Manipulation, Lovebombing and Grooming to make the Op dependent despite her serious reservations.

Having intense, overwhelming feelings and panic attacks on ending the relationship are common
Trauma bonding means you are literally addicted to the chemical imbalance, highs and lows he has induced in you.
He's a manipulator Op
Please quietly cease contact and then block because he is going to wriggle back in and ruin your life

Agree. This chancer has not lived within his means at any point in his life and his financial recklessness continues to this day. This is who/what he is.

I suspect the OP doesnt know the half of it as none of it actually adds up. Also when she said SHE had tried to help him find pensions etc you just know she is being codependent and being spun a line.

His credit cards are still being declined (how shameful), he has huge debt (that he is trying to attribute to events 20 years ago), but still has a car on finance and pays gym membership. All the external facades are his priorities - not the deep core commitment to clearing his debt and setting himself up. He should not be going out for dinners and weekends away - getting into even more debt when he hasn’t tackled the last 20 years. BUT OP is his meal ticket and he will bedazzle her as much as he needs to.

Love bombing and future faking to continue his cock lodgering on her hard earned dime - it’s MN bingo.

@Jemjemima I would suggest you re read this thread from the beginning when you started it in June to reflect on your own posts - how you felt, what your gut was screaming and how compromised you felt protecting your own peace and the assets you have secured for your DCs.

How is the ‘employment tribunal’ payout going? Supposedly the value of a pension? !!! IME you can’t claim unfair dismissal if you have been with a company less than 2 years?

Cavalier is a word you used repeatedly to describe his approach to money - and this caused you a deep gut reaction. Please reread and try to understand why you are swimming against your own gut and values.

How is the ‘employment tribunal’ payout going? Supposedly the value of a pension? !!! IME you can’t claim unfair dismissal if you have been with a company less than 2 years?

Oh yes, I had forgotten about that! What happened OP- did he get a huge financial pay out as he claimed he would?

My guess is......no. It was just more hot air/ future faking

He made it super clear what his end game is. He wants the security you represent and fuck those kids.

I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him.

Do not sign any documents that he has drawn up no matter what. You need an urgent financial and legal consult to protect your assets for your kids. If or when you cave and he moves in, be prepared to have your kids, especially your underage daughter, move into their dad's.

Right now, you should be modeling resilience, indepence, and smart choices for your kids. They're in a really complicated situation.

From the outside, this relationship is about sex and codependency on your side. His side, well, it's not looking good.

I thought both your kids were teens too. But, whatever.

You know all those horror movies where you're going don't go into the basement? He's the basement.

Kweenbeee
You can on whistleblowing cases - No qualifying service is required. He was headhunted by thia large company who it turns out was breaking huge health and safety regulations. He has worked in the same industry for years and the team he was managing had no training in the very risky jobs they were doing. Anyway, he had to make protected disclosure after they refused him any paperwork, historic or otherwise to declare, equipment servicing etc - all in the first month. He threatened to report them to the HSE after writing up a schedule of training which they refused to honour. He was employed indefinitely The case is being handled by Thompson and Thompson. The company it turns out is extremely dodgy! Not, I know something you should rely on I know, but you are incorrect.

In June he said the payout will be "soon". Its nearing end of Nov now though.....

Your thread doesn't say anything about a marriage proposal...

How do you know any of this is true?

And why are you focusing on his case and ignoring the advice people are giving you?

I don't think you know what ghosting means. Ghosting is ending a relationship suddenly and withdrawing all communication.

You didn't ghost him, you broke up with him and he acknowledged, so you haven't ghosted him at all.