Just found out the person I am seeing has absolutely no assets or pension!

[Jemjemima]

I recently had an amicable separation from my husband about a year and a half ago and have been seeing a new partner for about 6 months. This person really is a wonderful man and I haven’t felt this comfortable with anyone for a very long time. He is attentive, caring and has been very supportive. I was very Frank from the start that I didn’t know which direction I was heading and that I wanted to do the right thing all ‘round to make the separation as calm and respectful as possible for my 2 teenage children. He was happy to offer support and we have had some great times together. I had noticed he had quite a few credit cards, rented a flat and had a lease car. I am financially solvent and have worked all my life and planned hard but I am not interested in grand jestures or posh nights out. I always pick up the bill every other meal, treat us to a weekend away etc, but I have noticed on occasion his cards get rejected. I have asked him about it and he just says it’s all fine. I have started to have feelings for this man but my gut is saying no! I have since discover that he is in £30k worth of debt, no assets and no pension. He had a good job and was earning £70k but was always struggling a bit. He is 59 and has recently been made redundant and his employment and insurance stops paying in September. My daughter goes to uni in about 16 months for 5 years and so I know I will have to be careful with my money, this I had planned for. I will soon be living alone once the house has sold and will need to be cautious but I hate myself for wanting to end this relationship because of his lack of any stability. He has actually been fighting for unfair dismissal and has said he will have a payout soon and that will be his pension but it will just not be enough and he has some cavalier ideas for his money! I want to end the relationship but I feel so guilty. I am not motivated by money in the slightest. He is currently trying to keep the relationship going but I want to run! I hate to be practical when love is involved!

Come on. You said he would get quiet when he's talk about the future and you wouldn't respond. You said he thought he scared you off when he asked you to marry him after mere months.

So he was going to move in or marry you without moving on? How does that work exactly? What was he talking about about with the prenup then?

His plan is to move in or marry. He's been pushing that for months.

You have a teen in the home and 5 years of supporting her through school.

You can't be his life plan while financing your daughter's education and saving your assets for them. He'll drain them. Little dates, gifts, the gym, his supplements, holidays, a car. Then think of dodging debt collectors. Can they come after your assets if you marry him?

It’s not even just all about the money that he will drain and acquire from the OPs DCs - it’s also about the likely erosion of the respect, integrity and bond the OP has with her own children - because these types will slowly and subtly ease them out and come between them. Your DD will unconsciously be uncomfortable but unclear as to why she is feeling uncomfortable and will start to detach.

This rings very true in my experience with my mom's boyfriends.

I think everyone on this thread wants to help you protect yourself and your children OP.
Coming out of a long relationship/divorce it's good to have a fling to kick the sand off your feet, have some fun and feel good about yourself. But don't go jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Now is the time to take time to be on your own, reflect, enjoy being your own person.
DD recently went on a surf and yoga retreat to heal a broken relationship. She had a great time, it did the trick. Why not book yourself onto a trip alone, whatever floats your boat - a hiking holiday or some sort of retreat or an art trip - there are so many to choose from. Time to yourself. No contact with him back home.
We see so often on these types of threads, it starts of living separately, separate finances etc, but then something happens and the man moves in, just for a week or two while finding a new rental or whatever.... That is the fatal move.
Be aware, with the new changes to renting law how changes may affect him, even though he has recently renewed his lease. Rents are likely to go up. The supposed protections the law changes are meant to bring won't necessarily work in the tenants favour. What if his landlord decides to get out of renting and sell, and he can't find anywhere within his budget?

DD's friend's mother is busy kicking out the boyfriend that moved in with her as soon as she bought a new house after divorce. I wonder if she's on mumsnet - it's all classic mumsnet stuff. And it's so hard getting them out once they are in.

You must prioritise and protect your children above all. Take a break, a holiday and start that counselling you talked about doing earlier in the thread.

You don't seem to have any idea of the co dependency here
Op is a boiled frog, he is a manipulator
He's already charmed his way in, despite her wanting to run away, see her first post.

In the early months of a relationship if you already feel you want to run then RUN!

He's a charming manipulator with a silver tongue ready to spin a new line when she,questions anything
She has ended the relationship and he's already professional victim, manipulating her with nasty comments that all she wants is moneyalways the same broke bloke making these type of accusations
As I said before , this is how he feels
He's a user, she's codependent

She needs to get out and stay out now, not try to leave in 2,3,4 years time
No more messages
Just gone

You talk in the present tense op rather than the past tense so are you back together?

"He had big credit card debt and his plan was to default and then when his debt was sold on, to pay that company less than he borrowed. That's a clear view into his mindset. He doesn't pay money he owes."

I didn't actually fully follow all the financial details up until now. This is really troubling. It shows that he's not ashamed of his financial profligacy, and that suggests his morals in other areas are also very slippery and easily bypassed when they don't suit his narrative.

Personally if you like him and it’s fun then I would say keep it as boyfriend/girlfriend - separate places, separate finances and make it clear it would be staying like that for a pretty long while OP - if he’s in it for gold digging reasons/easy life , it will at some point run its course - if it’s not the kind of set up you want and you do want something more committed then he doesn’t look a good bet

OP, so he is dictating when he will stay with you?
He is so far ahead of you.
You will undoubtedly learn the hard way.

I have no doubt it will cost you dearly, like the respect and connection with your children, as he eases them out of their home.

They will go elsewhere for holidays from University.
Its a regular story on MN.

My friends sister in her 40's met a fellow like this, moved him in, wouldn't be told.
She had 10 years of him leeching off him before she eventually woke up and wanted rid of him.

It was easier to pay him to go away, as he inevitably made a claim on her house.
The kind family solicitor said pay him something or you'll pay it in fees and stress.
It cost her 30k.

The sad thing was she caused so much upset in the family with the drama of him, the last years of her parents lives, were filled with worry as she was so obviously being used.

My friend keeps her distance now as she can't forgive/forget the drama she brought them all.
She simply doesn't want to be around her going forward.

https://www.lancs.live/news/lancashire-news/teacher-left-paralysed-after-boyfriend-32905657

Anyone seen this tragic case?

“The 56-year-old was 'emotionally vulnerable', the court heard. Easom offered condolences and to help with odd jobs.
"Their relationship was initially everything she wanted – heady, passionate and loving, but you will hear that he became abusive and violent"

They walk among us. Hope you are OK @Jemjemima

An absolutely harrowing read.
She was preyed upon by a grifter.
Poor woman.

Oh dear, I have a close friend who is this man, assuming the best of intentions in him. He is also late 50s, professional but no assets or money. When you meet him he has good reasons for this: divorce, house moves, expensive teenagers etc. etc. When you actually get to know him, you realise he is driven by impulse and doesn't plan longterm, and this leads to foolish financial decisions time and time again. He has recently moved in with his girlfriend. She thinks they are in love, this is the dream relationship and he is the perfect man. He admitted to me at one point recently that his main motivation for moving in with her is to save money on living costs. He does love her, but there is a stronger element of self-interest in there.

She has had poor relationship experiences in the past and he is a man who pays her attention, is likely good in bed, would drive to fetch her/make her feel wanted etc. A bit like this man does for you, OP. She thinks it is all for the love of her. He isn't going to tell her different.

Up to you if you want to continue with this relationship, OP. And maybe you are okay with not knowing the whole truth about him and his motivations. But don't be so naive as to not see the self-interest behind his proclamations of love and actions.

I have no assets or pension after an abusive marriage. I guess men will steer clear of me too.

Luckily I don’t mind as I am delighted to be single forever but if I were looking for romance, I’d be gutted.

As someone who experienced an abusive marriage I am sure that if you were looking for a new partner you would be extra careful about whom you picked based on your previous experience. I see no difference in this circumstance.

Many of us have had bad prior experiences or know people who did and this man the OP describes has a bunch of huge red flags about him so of course people are going to be wary, surely you can appreciate why that might be!

Also, his financial circumstances are not due to marital abuse so that isnt an realistic comparison - his finances are a result of him "flying by the seat of his pants"- OP's own words so not really the same at all is it?

No. It’s not the same. You’re right.

But I would still be evaluated as someone really not worth getting involved with because of my now precarious financial situation. Even though it’s not my fault.

But I would still be evaluated as someone really not worth getting involved with because of my now precarious financial situation. Even though it’s not my fault.

It's not this alone though is it? he has suggested a pre nup agreement after only a few months of dating- why? pre nups arent even fully legal in UK, is assuming they will move in together, is constantly promising that he has money coming in the future and then it doesnt appear, has wasted an inheritance he was given, is in debt and still spending, and when OP expressed concerns about finances he tried to make her feel like shit by telling her she only cared about money etc

If you had also done all of those things I would argue people would be right to be wary of you too 🤷‍♀️

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes Many things come into play when dating. Being badly off moneywise is indeed a disadvantage but plenty of people on a budget date. This man was seeking marriage to a much wealthier woman after only a few months.

OP has 2 kids, one of whom is a 17 year old girl who she will be supporting through university for the next 5 years. She can't support her child and a 60 year old bf who spends recklessly and is in massive debt. She also has to consider the aspects of a near stranger who tried to move in and marry after mere months with a teen daughter living in the home and the effects on her finances and her daughter. And he's still trying. He's also fed her lies and quite a bit of what he says is contradictory, to say the least.

Your situation is quite different. It doesn't sound like you're looking for a mark to finance your future while you're being unethical about paying off debt. This guy is. And yes, men might look at your lack of assets and move on. And that's their perogative. Personally, you've done great to get out of an abusive marriage and I wish you well.

Women with daughters have to be particularly careful moving men into their homes.
It is not pleasant to find that you have to share your living space with a strange man, very different to brothers and fathers.

My son's platonic friend chose to go to university in Edinburgh partly due to this.
She didn't want to be at home sharing space with someone she didn't know, within a year of her parents divorce.
She met a guy at university and her mother doesn't see her.
She has settled in Scotland happily, and loves it.
Easy to believe as its a great city and my boys regularly go there for a weekend away.
Her mothers relationship ended amicably but she has also largely lost her daughter in the process. 4 years of not coming home during college holidays has wrecked their connection.

What's paticularly gawling is the marriage ended due to his affair with a colleague, but still ends up with him having a much closer relationship to this day with his children.

Women IMO are held to a much higher standard in life, in these matters.
Bloody gawling indeed.

She too is also a very nice woman.

Thank you for your kind words.

Hello @Jemjemima - how are you feeling about things for you all now?

So - I have ended it! It was a very painful thing to do, but my gut just
kept getting the better of me! My daughter’s exams this year took priority- Getting divorced, selling the house - it’s too much! He was genuinely upset and wished he hadn’t been such a fool. But more importantly we parted with respect and kind words. I felt wretched initially as he was actually a lovely soul, but time is a great healer and the contrast at home is worth all the tears. I never thought I would be that person but I could see my future not being the one Inhad planned. So, thank you for your advice, and the
empathy. Xx

Ah no , that’s awful 😞.
The poor woman .
I realise she shouldn’t have moved in the bf so soon , but I’m sure left reeling after her husband’s affair & not great decision making on her part .
That the kids see more of their farher than her must be very hard given what happened to begin with .
I hope as her daughter gets older they build their relationship back up again .

How do I make sure this isn’t me? I am divorced with two daughters and a lovely one year relationship with a very caring man. He doesn’t have much money and works a manual job etc. He hasn’t tried to move in or anything and gets on well with the kids when he comes over. But how do I check?

I thought you ended it in November ?

how did you both manage to drag that out for another 2 months.

Her daughter went to his family for Christmas again and they are now living in Scotland.
It really is very sad and I find it very upsetting as she is such a nice woman.
Her ex cheated and she did act in haste afterwards for sure, but she most certainly doesn't deserve this ambivalence.

Children can punish mothers in a way that they don't punish fathers.
I think she needs to grow up a bit.

Funnily enough a lovely mother I know vaguely in her late 50's, and the mother of one of their large circle of friends, died very suddenly last week, really shocking.
I hope it gives her pause for thought, that we don't always get the time to correct things.

OP, I can only imagine how hard it is for you but you have made the right decision.

I have two daughters and they don't like visitors staying, they don't make a fuss, they just don't like to share their home space.

I cannot fathom how difficult it would be for them to accept anyone moving in, especially a man.
It really is possible to have a relationship with no shared space and finances separate.

Retirement can be the loveliest of times, and being financially comfortable is crucial to that IMO.

I was confused by that too. You ended it in November? When did you get back together? And now you've ended it again?