Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

You clearly fear him, OP, whether or not you consciously realise this. I recollect putting this possibility in front of my mother - I grievously feared my violent and probably dangerous alcoholic father - and she had to think about this and process it for some time before acknowledging that this was the case. Boiling frog syndrome is real. They charm you at first. Then they crank up the heat so gradually you don't realise you're being scalded, and the 'frog' who stays in situ for the duration ends up being boiled alive.

I know that the 'scales falling from the eyes' moment is a very, very painful moment of recognition. Sometimes it's less a moment than a very gradual awakening. But that realistion is also the key to your freedom.

Your son has evidently recognised the fear in you, or he wouldn't have made the suggestion of moving without telling your husband where you are. As a daughter who was once in a similar situation, I know that sometimes children can see this before their parents do, and sometimes we can even open their eyes to the unpleasant fact.

I think your son has given you some very wise advise which, in your shoes, I'd be inclined to follow.

Wishing you all the best, OP. It's hard, but some of the things worth having in life often are. And nothing is impossible.

He's a freeloading chancer who is bringing nothing positive to your life. You never have to see him again. Just tell him it's over, you're filing for divorce and you never want to see him again.

What? Get rid of this person immediately, you have no ties to him except a bit of paper. Please ask your GP for some counseling for your self-esteem etc.

Please please please find your self respect. You are worth so much more than some loser's laundry maid. Woman up!! Ask your son for help if needed so you're not in this alone.

Not your problem, but if he's stopped claiming benefits he won't be getting National Insurance credits - so somewhere down the line he'll find his state pension reduced. Do you see yourself when you reach pension age still doing his washing and keeping his bed warm? His Mum won't last for ever so he'll be sponging off you 24/7 by then.
Think woman!
How old is the son you mentioned (from another relationship)? Is he old enough to back you up if he, your husband, turns nasty?
If he's not old enough - what kind of example of married life are you giving him?

And, just another thought, stop buying alcohol, if you don't have alcohol in the house he can't drink it, can he?

He's got two mums. And between both of you, he's never had the opportunity to land cold on his a#@e and face reality. No growth. Not only is he regressing, but he's pulling you down to. At some point, you will have to take reaponsibility for where you are in life. Yoi cannot blame him forever. The other M in marriage is Money, and if not addressed will be the root of most unhappy relationships. Letting him go doesn't mean you don't love him, is called tough love. He needs to stop drifting through life on your back. Once you cut him lose, youll have a more fulfilling frienship, on your terms. Please hand him back to his mum and the State, and reclaim your life. Move on.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way—you deserve so much more. He’s not acting like a partner, he’s taking advantage of your kindness and giving nothing back.
You work hard, and it’s not unreasonable to expect honesty, respect, and contribution. His aggression when you ask simple questions is a red flag. Love isn’t just saying “I’m grateful”—it’s showing it.
You’re not being unfair—you’re being strong by questioning this. Don’t doubt yourself. You deserve better.

Just to add- you do cleaning for a living and you get paid for it. So stop doing his for free.

Also, what is wrong with his silly mother that she is even allowing this?! If my Son was a married man i would no way be letting him stay with me knowing that he has a wife ! I would be encouraging him to stay with her find a job and build a life!

This is no marriage, no partnership, no life.

How old are you both, and your son?

No work, no benefits, yet money is there? Either milking his mother or he is involved in crime.

He seems to see women as things, to be used. You can make this stop.

Step by step - get an initial consultation with a local family lawyer who offers a free first half hour, for example. Find out your rights. Knowledge and reassurance and support from a professional.

Good thing you don't own a property but do find out what he might be entitled to.

But honestly, anything is better than this.

His mother is in her 80's and well off financially . I think she's frightened of him as he can be quite nasty and argumentative too.
My son is 13 and yes, I'm realising (as he is as is not stupid) what a bad example my 'husband' is

Your poor son. He’s at such an important age for his sake, as well as your own, get yourself out of this.
If your son sees this as being how you treat a wife, that’s very unhealthy.

I can't get my head round how you got into this mess. I thought you said your kids were grown up. 13 is such an impressionable age. You need to show him a good example here. End this shit show now.

It looks to me as though he's waiting for his mum to pop her clogs and inherit her house and savings.
By all means leave him now, but wait a few more years to divorce him...get back what you deserve.

What about adding terms to the divorce that he has to share any inheritance to make up for money he’s stolen off his wife for so long? It’s silly advice to encourage her to stay in this marriage

Tell him to do his washing at his Mother's house. Then start getting a plan together for you and your son to leave for good.

Turn it around.... imagine if every week you went to his house so that you could get lovely food cooked for you, enjoy his house free of charge, have sex, drop off your dirty washing, generally enjoy yourself with no cares or worries, then go back hone when you'd had enough.

Can you IMAGINE the roles reversed???

We're all supporting you OP. You can do it!! You can divorce him. It won't be as hard as you think, once you get the ball rolling.

What's the plan Deb?

OP, financially, your ducks are in a row (you’re in a very strong position in that regard, to cut and run!). Mentally prepare yourself for an onslaught of emotional blackmail and threats - because they will come! If he has ever frightened you and made you feel like you’re unsafe then please don’t hesitate to report to the police the first time he even implies he may hurt you, and find out who your local Women’s Aid or similar is. These fuckers are highly predictable and the most dangerous time for women who are being abused is when trying to leave…hope that doesn’t sound dramatic, you may be completely safe, but there’s so many clues in your posts to suggest he is a bad egg, make sure you’re safe if he does throw some kind of tantrum. He’s become very used to getting his own way; sure he has his own mental struggles and traumas like everyone else but they aren’t yours to manage any more. GOOD LUCK!! Xxxx

given his mother is elderly and wealthy, and scared of him, its all likely that he is exerting control to get money from her. Elder abuse is common, and he sounds like the kind of bloke who would do it. She likely has drawn the line at doing his washing though.

Oh wow. That has got to be the most bizarre 'family' setup I've ever read about here.

But don't despair, OP, your situation is easy to solve. No kids together, no house, no money to share. Dump the waste of space, divorce, move houses, don't tell him the address. You certainly don't deserve any of this.

I do know two men who live off their (multiple) women. Not condoning it, but they honed the cocklodging to an art form, both are charming, attentive, very good-looking, fit and good company, so at least they work for the money. Your 'husband' is a total loser and you certainly don't need him.

Divorce please

This guy is not a husband. He’s a parasite, leeching off you and his mother. You don’t have a life together. Where are the fun times as well as work, nights out, weekends away, holidays. Get rid of him now, luckily you won’t be any worse off and thank goodness you don’t have any children. Imagine when his mother dies, you’ll end up with him full time. Find someone who loves you and wants to share their life with you.

What on earth have I just read?! Honestly divorce this person (I can’t call him a man) you have more to gain getting rid. He's not a good example of a man for your son.

Sorry.....I can hardly believe I'm reading this
You actually MARRIED this cretin?????????
I'm not even going to explain it to you.
Read your post out loud back to yourself then tell him to fuck off. Forever.