Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

Time for this to end.
You are lucky that he has somewhere else to go and no right to live in your house. If you're scared of his reaction you could maybe tell him when you're out somewhere, but you've already kicked him out of your house, which is a positive situation.
May seem daunting but you can do it - one step at a time.

Have you thought about looking for an alternative place to live without telling him and then filing for divorce/moving to a location he doesn't know on the same day?

Get rid, love. It's easy if you have no assets. He's bringing nothing to the relationship at all.

What happens when you get pregnant?

Aww op, I will never ever understand why people settle for such scroungers! Being on your own is not as awful as people make out. Please end this now for your own sake, he won't end it he's living his best life doing absolutely nothing and being a kept man. You deserve better! Not some wet wipe who literally robs you blind. I am curious, how have you been together 9 years? How is this only bothering you now?

Oh OP. What has happened to you to make you think this is ok?

He’s HIV positive. You can’t trust him to manage it with drugs. He avoids his check ups.

He won’t work, claims not to claim benefits.

He expects you to pay for everything. Everything.

He lives with his mum when he’s not sponging off you.

All he contributes is, literally, his filthy washing for you to clean for him. Which you do.

He expects you to have sex with him.

He’s an alcoholic.

I don’t think I need to go on. This is truly awful. You only have one life.

Jesus OP get some self respect and a grip and get rid. Why would you or anyone put up with this.

My thought exactly!

Op this is an unusual set up and you need to divorce him. Think of the money you will save and meet someone new down the line.

This ⬆️

Why did you marry him in the first instance? Has he changed? Surely all these things were evident 9 years ago?

Divorce him, and let him try telling the courts to mind their own business about where he gets his money from 😂

It'll be scarier staying married to him.

Good Lord, you've married a slug. My advice to you is to keep an actual slug in your house and give it a name (in a nice environment with leaves and twigs) and every time your husband comes round, look at both slugs and ask yourself which one you would keep. Inevitably you will ditch the one costing you more.

Whoaaa. And you're married? Does he have claim on half your house etc when you divorce him?

I was terrified of how dh would react when he received the divorce papers. I was trembling and couldn't stop shaking when I saw them in the post. In fact he was very calm about it. Of course he refuses to discuss it or the fact we have been divorced for almost 4 years! Still not working, refuses to move out (house in joint names) and nothing has changed! I do wonder if there is some way you can get support when having to discuss things with someone like that. We do still have a dc at school - we were married over 30 years.
.

I find this all so disfunctional…….on the next occasion he buggered of to his mothers I would be packing my stuff and moving on without leaving a forwarding address. OP, if you're renting and have no assets then you’ve nothing to lose in walking away from this pointless marriage! If your OH isn’t prepared to reveal how he gets his money then I’d be very suspicious of his background and dealings and wouldn’t want that ‘showing up on my doorstep’. He most certainly is hiding some shady activity.

Get rid of this A1 a$$hole

Your husband is a nasty POS. Get rid of him, you deserve someone who actually shares life and all that goes with it. This person you’re with is emotionally stunted and clearly up to no good with regards to not having a job and yet able to go the pub every day. He could be a criminal for all you know and that’s why he won’t discuss anything with you about money. Very fishy. Also there was a very similar post of ‘partner’ who even had children but lived with his mother mostly and paid for nothing. Just be glad children aren’t involved in your situation.

You need to take further action. Seek legal advice.

I can’t see anything positive you are getting out of this arrangement.

Cut and run.

You need to divorce. You and this chap are making a farce out of the meaning of marriage. He is selfish and you should not waste one more second with him.
Your relationship is no where near a marriage of equals.
You already realise this somove on.

She rents and says she has no assets.

He is dragging you down, get rid.

Agreed. That an OP posts for advice does not compel them instantly to follow that advice. These things can take time.

It's 'allowed' to post about the same issue more than once, and I'd hope OP continues to do so as she works this through. Some of us at least will be happy to listen and support.