Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

I'm sorry this sounds rude but... is this actually a joke because if it is isn't you need to get a grip. Please don't tell me you are letting someone use you like this? Are you actually married? Who paid for the wedding? This is absolutely ridiculous you do not have a life with this Man, he is using you and you need to get out and stop being a doormat

I wonder if you posted this in order to find support for the decision you know you have to make. All the comments should convince you of the only realistic course of action - divorce him.

You have GOT to take a deep breath, pull your big girl panties on and get rid, no matter how scared you are. If he's going to get nasty or violent tell him by text, leave his stuff on the door step and go out for the evening/day. Go see solicitor for one of those 15 minutes free and get your ducks in a row. This isn't a proper relationship its a ridiculous carry on. You will breathe a sigh of relief when he's gone. You deserve better.

Yes I need the support as I can't discuss my situation with anyone I know and also needed to realise for myself how abnormal the situation is

Get rid assp!!!

Definitely not a joke, wish it was! Yes we married 5 years ago and I paid for the wedding (unsurprisingly) We don't ever go anywhere as I have to fund it. We've had 4 or 5 nights away since marrying but that's only about one night a year!

You are worth more than this & deserve more than this. Tell him it's over, I know it will be hard at the beginning, but he's bringing nothing to your party except dirty washing. Your son needs a better role model, so he has a healthy relationship when he's older. If he has keys, change the locks, stand firm, don't listen to him saying he'll change, he won't. Come back to mumsnet if you feel you are weakening. Good luck.

In a bad situation it does you no good to be harsh on yourself.

He makes you feel terrible, treats you like a maid he can have sex with and is aggressive. Of course you should divorce him. If his mum is so great she can have him full time.

Don't worry about the choices that got you here. Plan the ones that will get you away from him

For goodness sakes, get a divorce and find a nice man who at the very least has a job, lives alone and can work a washing machine.

What’s fair in a marriage? It’s each partner sharing full responsibility for the shared life. You don’t appear to have a fully shared life and this sounds like a marriage in name only as he has arranged things to suit himself, but not you. However, it is very much to your advantage that all your financial affairs are separate! Keep it that way. Marriage is not asking, what’s in it for me? Marriage is asking, what can I do for you? I’m sorry but with no change over nine years, I think you have wasted enough time on this entire set up. Only you know what you should do, but I think you already know the answer and you have just posted your situation here because you want confirmation. Good luck.

Of course he could be worse. He could hit you or SA you or threaten you... but could be worse isnt the bar. No MNer will say because it could be worse you should tolerate it.

No woman ever got she actually wanted by lowering the bar.

Your son deserves better, his idea isnt terrible. Honestly whatever it costs you to be rid of your husband will be a bargain.

Maybe try talking to your neighbours, your sons father, your clients. Make friends. Your husband is the one who should be ashamed. And if you dont have friends in the meantime keep coming to MN

@deb45 you can do this.

Don’t let your doubting inner Deb45 sabotage you. Squash that inner voice, tell yourself you’re on the road to peace and happiness. You’ve seen the light, you’re taking steps to unshackle yourself from this awful man. He is dragging you down.

Don’t tell your loser husband your new address.

Get a new flat, with your son, build a new life and try to get out into the world. Join the WI, or a group who share an interest. Or volunteer but be firm about what you can offer.

It takes time to get everything right but you know you can do this.

Don't worry about the choices that got you here. Plan the ones that will get you away from him is excellent advice.

Look into how to start divorce proceedings, get everything lined up, move and then file for divorce so he doesn't come round and cause a scene.

Then, keep up with the therapy and concentrate on making a nice life for yourself.

OP, I really hope you find the strength and courage to leave this man. For the sake of your own self esteem and to show your son you are worth more than this "husband" obviously thinks of you x

Do you think he is financially abusing his elderly mother? Difficult to see where else he is getting money from. If I was worried about this I would be calling Social Services to safeguard his vulnerable mother.

OP you MUST divorce this parasite and move on with your life. You and your son deserve so much better than this very sad situation - you are purely being used for his benefit and getting nothing out of it yourself. Be strong & please keep us updated and come back for further help wherever you need it 💐

OP, sending a big hug and a dollop of courage to you. You must get yourself, and your son, away from this horrible person ASAP. Have you contacted local womens refuge/domestic abuse services they can help and advise you in case he turns nasty. Good luck!!

OP, that's not a proper marriage and I think you realise this.
You can do so much better I'm sure 💐

His mother must be funding him. What a son she has!

All the best to you. Don't tell him where you and your son are moving to

This is insane!! But completely in your control, he doesn't live with you or share finances. You have an unofficial part-time child congrats

OP you know what to do. Doing it is scary because change is scary and he sounds unpredictable. Take a deep breath. Make a plan. Rip the plaster. And if at any point you feel things getting out of your control - don't be afraid of seeking emotional support from anyone around you. Neighbours, colleagues, random strangers - it doesn't matter. They might not be close friends today, but you'd be surprised at how many people will step in and help if you ask and it could result in them becoming important and supportive friends in the future.

As others say, the good news is that it will be uncomplicated to separate. You don't live together and no shared assets. RIP that plaster off!

It's enough for you to say "this isn't working for me' and ask him not to come back. You can also ask him not to contact you further, block him etc. You don't owe him and you are not obligated to accept this behaviour. This isn't a marriage. Get out now - you only get one life!

This!

He sounds emotionally abusive, immature, controlling, (probably why he’s still at home), I wonder why he gets you to do his washing when he still lives with mum? Is it so he can keep that thread of connection with you?

Please, please free yourself of this bizarre situation. I promise you won’t regret it, and won’t look back!!

It might also be time to start discussing this with people in your life. They may surprise you and actually be the support in real life that you need!

I would start planning to move elsewhere away from him as he seems to like things on the doorstep and probably wouldn’t be bothered seeing you if he has to put himself out as there is probably a laundry nearer. I know you are scared but you know you need to take action because the longer it goes on the harder it will be. He sounds unpleasant and intimidating- his mum probably feels like you - he is effectively bullying and using two women here. He has somewhere to live so don’t worry too much he sounds as if he will take the easy option and stay with his poor mum but you need to do the best for yourself and your boy. Good luck.

Lots of great advice and suggestions from pp’s. Absolutely, what matters now is what you do about your situation moving forward!!

You can do this!

Good luck, OP!

(I’d love an update once you’ve freed yourself, or have started the steps to doing so!!)