Selfish husband

[deb45]

I need advice as I don’t have close friends/family to talk to about my sad situation.
My husband (I’ve been with him 9 years, no children) stays over at mine two or three nights a week. The rest of the time he lives with his mum as it’s free.
He’s never contributed towards bills/food and everything (tenancy/council tax etc) is in my sole name. I hate talking about money - but what's fair? He doesn’t want to work or claim benefits (doesn’t like the job centre nagging him) but won’t tell me how he gets money to live day to day. I understand he doesn’t have a lot but I work full time (am a cleaner/carer so don’t earn much) and am fed up with him assuming I’ll pay for everything. The only thing he brings me each week is his dirty washing. We don’t go out anymore as he won’t pay for anything but he goes out to a pub or two every day when he’s not with me.

I asked him last week how he manages on no income and he became nasty and aggressive and said it was none of my business. Anytime I bring up anything ‘negative’ he reacts like this but I’m so sad at just being used every week. He says he loves me and is ‘grateful’ all the time for what I do but I still feel crap.

If you are worried about the legal costs maybe go to citizens advice for guidance in minimising legal fees. Getting him out of your life can only be liberating. If you stay with him your self respect will just erode away.

Op, if his finances are none of your business, then the rest of his life can be "none of your business" too. I know it is hard and you might be sad, but he is literally contributing nothing to your life, he is using you and costing you money.

End the marriage and officially separate, and start a divorce when you can afford to. It is good that you don't have any home or other assets. He is taking you for a complete mug at the moment and will continue to do so until you stop it.

If he has a key, then change the locks. If you think he might get aggressive then inform the police so it's on record. If you want to tell him face to face, then have somebody with you.

He is clearly getting money from somewhere and choosing not to share it with you. He is either on benefits and lying about it, or doing something illegal. He is using you to wash his clothes and house him and feed him a few nights a week.

Please put yourself first, end it, and move on with your life.

Keep posting here for support.

He sounds awful, it is not a marriage. Divorce can come, but for now I'd be saying you are no longer welcome to stay in MY home

You're married and he lives with his mum... ahhh. Although actually sounds like the best place for him. He's more of a hindrance, he's not helping you or adding to your life in any way.

Time to say ta ra to mr deb.

This looks nothing like a marriage, and actually looks like you'd be happier without him knocking at the door three times a week with dirty laundry and a horrible secretive attitude!

The only stupid person is your husband. Get rid, he's contributing nothing to your life.

Thank you for being so kind. Note to myself too.

If he's at all awkward about separating, point out to the police that he must be subsidising his lifestyle by crime and leave them to it.

Then leave today and the clock stops, less shame, less frustration for allowing it to happen.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the next best time is today. I use that saying alot in life as it helps when youve not done something, to not then have to live by that and stops the mistake or ommission taking on a much bigger life. In your case, the best time to leave him was 5 years ago, the next best time is today. Those 5 years dont have to define the next 5.

You're worth so much more than this OP. Please leave him x

Just catching up with all your advice. All saying the same thing (i naively thought one or two posts might have said he could be worse!)
Yes he definitely lives with his mother but I've no idea how he gets money but he stopped his benefits a few months ago (they were pushing him to work unsurprisingly)
I do actually have to move house soon (my landlord needs to sell) so actively looking. My son (from a previous relationship) did actually suggest we move but not tell him where. We laughed at the idea but actually, thinking about it, would be a good plan. The more I write this down the sadder it is but also all the supportive messages show I'll be doing the right thing

“I feel crap” that’s your answer. What a life. Please divorce and start the life you deserve. You are wasting your life away here. Start living!! Yes, it’ll be difficult and not nice to go through a divorce, but you have to go through with it to end up in a better place!

You deserve better

It can be so hard to extricate yourself from a bad situation but so rewarding when you do. Get rid of him. You'll never regret it. There's nothing to regret as you won't be losing anything.

Don’t be sad! Think of it as a positive new start. New house without a weight around your neck…..
But while unshackling yourself from him should be straightforward- in all seriousness you should focus on getting new house sorted. Around here, the rental market is absolutely brutal and you need to act and move very quickly!

He lives with his mum but drags his washing over to yours? Talk about scentmarking his territory!

I would tell him the washing machine is broken and you have gone off sex.

I think a separation/divorce would be the best present you can give yourself this year. To be followed as soon as you can by a new bed and gorgeous bed linen.

”I do actually have to move house soon”
”I can't afford him full time. Plus I feel crap when he's here.”

OP, I’d consider moving to a different part of the country, if you can find a job there. It very much sounds as though your DH is bringing nothing to the marital party, and you ‘d be both better off and happier without him. You shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not you can “afford” a husband - he should be a helpmate and partner, and if he isn’t, there’s something wrong. If your DH doesn’t make you feel pleased to see him, what is he doing in your life?

Your son sounds like a good support and can clearly see the situation.

I think that would be for the best, move but don't give him your new address. Don't start the divorce immediately so that nothing is shown on paperwork.

Make it clear the marriage is over. He won't have a key to the new house anyway. Make sure all belongings washing are returned to him so he has no need to ever come round.

This isn't a marriage or a healthy relationship.

Bloody Nora, not much shocks me on mumsnet these days but this has done. This is mind blowing

I’ve not read all the posts but yours. You don’t say how old you are but I’m presuming from your username 45. You need to get the hell away now because his mum is imagine won’t be around forever and unless he is going to inherit her house/money, he will likely very quickly become your problem again.

I get the impression that you’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t unhealthy/abusive based on how little self esteem you have. He is clearly an alcoholic and while we you tolerate his behaviour he will keep taking advantage.

As you are having to move anyway, I would start divorce proceedings and get somewhere new to live lined up asap.

Sorry but what the fuck? You can't "afford him"? He needs to pay his own way! And you feel crap when here's there, so he shouldn't be your husband.

Bite the bullet and get rid. By the sounds of it you're really not losing much anyway!

It's great thatnyou realsie this isn't a healthy relationship, that's the first step. Well done for seeking therapy too.

Your son is right, initiate divorce proceedings and move without giving your new address.
Do a Royal Mail forwarding service for letters and be done with this miserable person.

You deserve so much more OP and stop doing his laundry.

All saying the same thing (i naively thought one or two posts might have said he could be worse!)

Well in all fairness, he could be worse. He could be in your flat all the time!
But think how much better your life would be if he wasn't there at all, ever. And he could so easily not be there. You said it yourself: he's not on the lease, his name is on none of the bills, he has no stuff there, you don't need him to contribute money (you would actually be better off financially without him), you don't need his help with childcare or parenting or the housework (again, he just adds to the burden), and your son would be happy to see the back of him. You literally only have to tell him it's over, and not let him in again. Initiate divorce proceedings at your leisure.

“I can’t afford him full time”.

Absolutely BIZARRE statement. Referencing a husband, not a puppy!

What on earth made you decide to marry him?

DIVORCE ASAP.

Work out what you want for your future and your life. Work out what you want from a LIFE PARTNER. Work on your self esteem.

You deserve better.