Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Before mediating you need to have a good understanding of what a court might award. Otherwise what will happen is that the weaker party gets beaten down by the more unreasonable one. The mediator is there to make you agree, not for strict fairness.

I’d ask for a shuttle mediation which means less game playing. In separate rooms

Thanks @bombastix i will bear that in mind

My exP started bringing up everything he had done 'for me' during the whole relationship - stupid things like painting a wall in our home, staining a fence in our garden, taking me to hospital appointments - its absolutely ridiculous but it's how their minds work. They never saw your relationship as a two way street - doing things together for your future together, sharing of chores for your mutual benefit - it's all about how much they have done for you.

Try not to take anything too personally - just see them for the damaged, poorly adjusted, misfiring individual that they are.

Mediation or therapy will not work with them - if they manage to keep up the mask of being a 'normal human being' for the mediator/therapist, you can bet your last pound that once you are home, it will slip.

But I get that you have to go through the motions - don't let them rattle you, take time to think about things and there is no harm in saying 'I will have to take some more time to think about that'.

Good luck.

This

this is spot on:

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-covert-narcissism-podcast/id1566895530?i=1000715990752

@Sunflowers67 that really resonates, even buying a picture frame was brought up!

I have lawyer friend who now knows the score.

I over heard him telling his family that his therapist thinks I have BPD.

MiL was planning to come up to check I was putting the kids needs first.

Fuming, but going to use the anger to push on.

He’s lying. A therapist worth anything would never armchair diagnose someone they have never met. He’s actually certifiable. I would ask to meet the therapist so she can diagnose you to your face (wont happen).

Have you taken legal advice OP, have you seen a solicitor? Do you have all the key information regarding the marital finances, ie mortgage, pensions, earnings, any debts, etc

You will need to do this asap if you have mediation on the horizon, in order to know where you stand and what you might expect out of the financial settlement.

Step by step, break it up into the next right thing, and jump through the hoops. Don't for one minute snooze now, this is not the time for presuming everything will be ok, you need to be as clued up as possible as soon as possible for the best outcome. He is not your friend unfortunately. Focus your energy where it needs to be, and that's not on what he is saying to you, or about you to others. Don't fall for it.

Ha! Yes, mine also told everyone that he was concerned for my mental health - he had long suspected that I was bi-polar, suffered from severe mood swings and desperately needed help.
Blah blah and blah-de-blah - those that matter, don't mind and those that mind don't matter (I think I heard that from a wise soul on here and I repeat it to myself frequently).
It's all white noise from their skewed reality and you have to treat it as such.

At least situations like this sort out who your real friends are. One of the positives will be less people on your Christmas card list 🙄(sorry, didn't mean to say the 'C' word this early).

You are doing great! 🌻

These abusive men all seem to read the same handbook on "How to be Abusive". There are so many threads on MN from women whose (abusive) partners diagnose them with BPD and try to make the woman believe she has BPD. Loads of threads.

Having divorced a similar man I treated it like a business deal. I had to make the best deal possible me - I treated it like work, made it professional.

Gather all the documents, the details, and start thinking how you want to live. If you are going to mediate, you will quickly be faced with decisions like how to split the house equity, pensions, savings etc. Agreeing all of that will affect where and how you live. Make establishing that your priority. You need to know what you can’t accept to negotiate- I know it says mediate, but don’t kid yourself, it’s a negotiation and one you need to run in your favour.

He will be doing the same. Ignore all the emotions and bs. That’s being done to you so you don’t see things clearly and your rights.

Thanks all PP

Can anyone explain child support to me?

Can you do this informally and is it based on income plus where DC live?

Child maintenance can be whatever you want it to be if agreed between yourselves.

It would be worth using the Child Maintenance Service calculator to get an idea of how much he would be expected to pay if you went through them.
They base it on income and how many nights each parent has the child(ren).

Get that figure and then see if you can get that figure from him.

A lot of men want their children 50/50 so they don't have to pay maintenance so bear that in mind.

A personal preference would always be through the CSA - or whatever they call themselves these days.
Its less contact with him and less stress for you.

I'm sure a private arrangement will go along smoothly for a couple of months but then, imagine if you don't receive it, having to make contact to ask for it, listen to his excuses or justified (they think) reasons why he hasn't paid - been there and done that and it is just another way they can control the situation.

Don't think for one moment that an abuser wont use the children either - they will.
My two little loves had to spend the weekends with their father listening to how mummy was taking money from him so he couldn't take them out or buy them decent food, he told my youngest (age 3 at the time) that mummy kissed strange men's willies ( I wondered for week's why my little one no longer wanted cuddles), he told them both that daddy was going to kill himself because mummy was making him so sad - and there was I looking forward to my lovely weekends of being child-free, thinking they were safe and secure and that there was no way he would be abusive towards them. I thought their quiet behaviours when they got back from his were all to do with the life change of us divorcing, that they would settle down in time - just keep a close eye and a listening ear out.
I stopped their dad from seeing them when the eldest asked me what 'carbon monoxide poisoning' was after one weekend - and then it all came out. They thought they had to go to his because the 'man at the court' said they had to. But neither of them wanted to go - they hated it there and they were scared of him.
They never went again, I moved four hours away and he never bothered to find them.

They made contact out of interest when they were in their late 20's - a half hour meet was enough for them to realise that he was still the same person and still ranting on about how I ruined his life......(obviously not enough as he went on to have five more children with three different women - none of whom stuck around - and he never paid a penny towards any of his seven children).

I used to get letters from the CSA saying how much he owed me and how they had been unable to collect any money from him due to his ill health, not working, other children to support - the amount he owed would go up each year and the last letter I received (I told them in no uncertain terms to stop informing me as it was insulting) stated that he owed £33K in payments.

Apologies - I was having a cuppa and my thoughts ran away with me - again!

As much as the CSA let me and my children down badly (well, he let us down really) - I would still prefer that option when dealing with an abuser.

It sounds like you're getting into the details now @CactusCry23. You're doing great. The only way out is through.

After a month of him being waayyyyy too nice to me, my DH is back to stonewalling. He's ignored me since Monday as he just can't believe I'm still so mad over "one incident" and I just can't possibly understand how he was feeling at the time that somehow justified his behaviour. So we're hurtling towards 'The' conversation and making it final. I was hoping to eke it out another month until after a big event but I think that's currently unlikely. I'm not sure if DH is going to be shocked or not. I can't read him.

I've dug out some paperwork and contacted a solicitor to get ahead. I need to read up on the process but it's overwhelming, isn't it?

@ThunkedThoughts hugely overwhelming! Still in that heavy rumination phase here too.
Still can’t believe I’m where I’m at.

The stone walling is so hurtful, such a toxic mode of control! Had it for years sadly.

solidarity to you!

I’m thinking of signing up to this:

https://www.separatespace.co.uk

anyone used it?

Why ?

The website does state:
'SeparateSpace is not a law firm and does not provide legal advice.'

have you looked at the Government free website, which takes you through every stage of divorce.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

usually the couple declare each and every asset i.e his pension

then it's 50/50

tho of course it may be decided between you that you get a larger % of the house in return for not having any of his pension etc.

sometimes one person lies / tries to hide assets and that's when you need a solicitor to use a forensic accountant - or something like that I am sure others have the correct wording.

Then it's the children and money for them.

many husbands say they want the children 50/50 - would he be able to do Sunday 7pm - Sunday 7pm every other week etc.

Often they say they want 50/50 purely to avoid paying maintenance.

You can calculate maintenance on a Gov website:
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

I don't think you need to pay to navigate the divorce process, the only person you need to pay is a solicitor.

Wikivorce has an online forum which is really helpful and you can also get an online solicitor through them which is what I did. My solicitor was lovely and so helpful.

I think that you need to accept that divorcing someone is not going to be easier than being married to them and you would be shooting yourself in the foot. That's just someone that's got some funding and had a team of developers make an app. It's a diversion.

I think that you need to seek professional legal advice. Book an appointment with a solicitor. In the meantime gather all of the pertinent financial information re bank accounts, savings, mortgage, pensions, loans, whatever. You will need all of this.

While you ruminate and reel, (and there is a time and a place for that but not to the the detriment of some action that will help you), make no mistake, he will be setting up his affairs to his best interests.

You also need to clue yourself up on the stages of divorce. There is heaps of online resource, Wikivorce being one as pp mentioned.

When you are through this and out the other side you may realise that over the years with him, and potentially and probably as a child you have been "trained" to doubt yourself and hand over all your agency to others. You really need to screw together what you've got right now and stand your ground. Do not let him push you around like a passive wheelbarrow, you can do this, but you will not come of of it well. You can not go back and get a re-do of divorce. You have one crack at it, one only, in order to set up a life for yourself post. This needs to be the best possible, which will depend on the fairest outcome and it's up to you to push for this becase he will certainly not.

Yes, completely agree. It’s a one time deal. You never get to redo it, and your husband will be thinking of himself. You are going to divorce, think for yourself. That’s the consequence of what you have decided to do. There are no easy ways to do this and the idea that someone gets nicer in a divorce is wrong. The chances are in the circumstances you have outlined he will be worse, so prepare, don’t ruminate

Thanks PP

OP, I've been following your posts and so much resonates with what I went through while divorcing my controlling, gaslighting, narc ex.

What helped me immensely to get through the whole process was this book: Splitting: Protecting Youself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy.

It covers how to find the right lawyer who is schooled in high conflict divorces, how to manage the process with children, what to expect during mediation and how to prepare for it (a pp mentioned shuttling with the mediator going back and forth while you and the narc are in separate rooms - this book suggests the same and tells you what to say/do).

The information in the book was key to help guide me through the entire ordeal and stay one step ahead of his games.

You are doing so well, even though you're completely worn down. My excellent therapist admonished me to not settle for less than I deserve, when I was ready to accept half of what I wanted, just to get it over with as quickly as possible. She told me that as women, we tend to be more willing to end drama and unpleasantness by accepting less, but this does not serve our future self/life/your children's lives. You've got to dig deep and hold out for what YOU, your future self, and YOUR CHILDREN deserve.

Your voice is your most powerful tool right now. All you need to say is NO to his missives.

You've got this!

I’m away with DD for a few days - that’s been nice, having time to think has been good.

But it’s made me so sad. How have we ended up here? I can’t talk to her obviously so I’m feeling really alone.

And some of the things he said at counselling really troubled me. I think this describes him - https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore what kind of things?

I went down a rabbit hole with all that, it really helped me name and identify the behaviours that had worried me but been sometimes so subtle.

In the past I made so many excuses - grief, stress, depression, money etc.

But now I realise, at best, those things exacerbated his personality. Because this is WHO he is. Now I cannot unsee it. Do you think you can unsee it @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore ? 💐