Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Oh, and the personality disorder 😂I have to laugh at that now.
Yep - I was 'completely mental, depressed, bi-polar, sociopathic, manic and so so abusive to him'........those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.

These men are such little boys having tantrums and throwing cruel words around. Playground bullies the lot of them.

It’s different for me @CactusCry23. He has very long stretches where he’s fine. Couple’s counselling is up and down - definitely not perfect - but she has been good at calling some of his stuff out and making him face up to it. But I know that might change very quickly - he’s been criticised so while he feels guilty now, he could easily get mad instead.

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. From everything you’ve written, it sounds like you and your DCs would be happier living without him. It’s a really tough journey though so it might be you just need to give yourself a pass for a little bit.

How’s he going to cope with the DC 50/50 when taking them to school is women’s work? I reckon he will move in with his mum @CactusCry23, so he doesn’t have to lift a finger and gets all the sympathy.
Keep the letter where he admits his treatment of you safe!

Need a handhold today.

Really horrible evening last night. We’d had a counselling session and talked about the imminent family holiday - and ended up deciding he shouldn’t come.

We’d told DCs at the weekend we were going to counselling because we weren’t getting on so well and she was helping us talk things through - and they were fine. They weren’t last night.

Youngest DC was really upset and asking if we were going to split up for good. We had just talked about the holiday, so I tried to answer honestly without giving her false reassurances, but it does feel inevitable now.

Oldest DC was calmer - she’s been on the receiving end of his moods over the years and their relationship is damaged because of it. Even though it’s a really horrible situation, hearing her talk about how she feels made me feel it was the right decision. Though she was saying she’s worried about him behaving in the same way to her younger sister if she’s not around (she’s going to uni) and how she’ll have a relationship with him if I’m not there to smooth things over.

I'd be ripping the plaster off. If you're not attending counselling with someone who has the same goals, then it's not a level playing field and you're wasting your time, prolonging the agony and tying yourself in knots. What is the goal? Amicable divorce is a fools errand if you couldn't acheive an amicable marriage, and there are women hanging themselves up over trying to achieve an amicable divorce when the man has a completely different agenda.

Spend the money on divorce mediation, get your financial agreement sorted and get it done. Limbo isn't easy for humans, including children. If you are not sure, you will communicate uncertainty, and kids don't thrive when their adults are wavering.

Through and out.

I wasted no end oof time and money at Relate

They were brown smelly stuff which didnt help

But it has been suggested to me that my ex is either/or Autistic or a narcissist.

I dont know if that is true or not BUT she wrecked her divorce settlement by signing up to having no intention to remarry or cohabit and moving her partner in three days later. She was later seen assaulting him in the street.

I really agree with this. Joint marriage counselling with the men described here will just prolong the agony. It is not going to help

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore how are things today?

I have just done the last solo holiday which was supposed to be us all so can relate hard to your predicament.

What would you be telling a friend or sibling to do if they were in the same position?

You sound very kind and considered and I hope that’s not being used against you rn.

I’m afraid that has made me teary @CactusCry23 Things feel tough. Youngest DC has gone away with her friend - but apparently told him she wished he was coming with us and now he’s “having second thoughts” about not coming - though he said he wouldn’t go back on what we told DCs. He’s finally booked himself in for individual counselling too.

Oldest DC is in a very different place though. She’s talked to me a lot over the last few days about how damaged their relationship is.

And then he’s just asked me if I want to do something today…

All this is part of why I haven’t done anything before and have tried to fix the things that affect oldest DC without affecting youngest. Can’t do it anymore though. It feels like I have to see this through now, even if youngest blames me for it all.

How are you @CactusCry23? How was the holiday?

I am very grateful to you for sharing this space btw - it feels like somewhere I can come for support. But it’s your thread and I don’t want to hijack it!

I hope you’re doing something nice this weekend xx

I could say exactly the same with DC too. One sees how toxic things have been and the other fawns and will no doubt blame me if they don’t already - I feel like one DC will struggle more than the other with the split.

Worried I am choosing ‘myself’ when that feels so unnatural. But they also cannot have a parent in the state I would be in if I stayed and ignored all his toxicity. So hard.

Holidays tended to be less stressful than home so it was very sad at times.

Go without him - if nothing else you will have a chance to relax, reset?. I had hard bittersweet moments, but it felt like a positive ‘first’ at times too.

Please don’t apologise! Solidarity to you.

Thank you. It does feel like I’m putting myself first too - and that’s not easy. Youngest was so upset - she just hadn’t clocked the bad stuff/or or it was aimed at oldest DC who was painted as over-sensitive.

I think I have to stick with it for her. It was so sad to hear how she felt - and how she worried her sister will get the same treatment when she’s not here. I don’t know she will - which is obviously good but why did she have to?

All this is making him reflect. He is being ok - which does make it harder. It’s just not possible to put it back in the box though.

Glad your holiday helped.

I can't remember if you said there was a specific reason you were hanging around?

There's a viper in your bed my dear, get the fuck out of there!

Get the house on the market.
In the mean time, get a lock on your bedroom door (I'm hoping you don't still share a room) and if you're not out or making dinner for the kids or something, be in there.

If you have enough money to rent comfortably I'd just do that. I know they say sometimes to stay in the house but, it's just a house. And the divorce will recoup it eventually even if it's more of a faff. So if you afford to rent elsewhere, go now.

Ps: if you play the angle of pretending it would break your heart to sell the place that'll work in your favor. These sorts mean you harm. So they'll do things they think will inconvenience, hurt and upset you. (Even if they know they should be on their best behaviour to win you back) they can't help it, it's in their nature.

Just make sure the sale money goes into your account first (you can transfer him half after). Things may be renegotiated in the divorce but make sure you take half to cover you for now.

Hopefully the place will sell fast.

BTW what you are going through @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore is HUGE and impacts your DC, how you pay the bills, where you live etc., it’s ok to take your time and rumination is part of the healing - whatever you decide.

No one knows your specific circumstances or your DH IRL. I was certain I could not forgive his behaviour and he showed me there was no real will to change very very clearly.

You sound like an excellent parent btw. Your DH not so much!

So first proper mediation done. Brutal but constructive.

That must have been a lot to deal with @CactusCry23 Glad you feel like it’s helped.

We have agreed a custody plan for when we are in separate homes so yes definite relief.

That's a massive step forwards. How was the mediator and was it fairly amicable? I'm worried about how this conversation will go for us but also keen to get it over with so I can envisage my new life.

Have you booked anything yet @ThunkedThoughts ? Try to get a recommendation for a mediator if you can?

We only discussed the custody schedule today. Finances next.

I used Chat GPT to create a parenting plan with what I wanted time-wise, aLao including boundaries, behaviour, holidays, birthdays, and emailed that in advance to the mediator.

I had my rationale for everything ready to go to try to avoid getting too upset or thrown.
I chose shuttle style to avoid him seeing my upset or putting me off.

Relieved to say the least that it is done with.

how are you @ThunkedThoughts

Well done. I bet it was nerve wracking but you've overcome a huge hurdle. Does it feel more real now? Are you going to stay in the same house for now?

We are seeing a therapist together, and I'm also seeing the same therapist alone. Our couples sessions have yet to feel productive but I am hopeful they are moving in the right direction. She is confident she can help us discuss custody and finances to a degree but if not I'll move onto a mediator and just see her individually for my sanity. DH has yet to accept it is 100% over, although I am actively not engaging with him at home unless it's about the kids. Messy stuff.

Yeah it does feel more real now, but dreading telling the kids and selling up. That will be the ultimate reality check, after pretending for so so long. Yes we will have to stay here until we can sell.

A relief to know one huge part is done, I hope he hasn’t got too much access to the DC with this plan, but we can always go back to mediation if it’s not working. Giving peace a chance for DC I guess.

Mediator may be cheaper than therapist possibly? We got £500 voucher which covers cost of first 2 to 3 sessions. Though we paid for our initial assessment (£60 each). Worth looking into!

Good luck @ThunkedThoughts , kin exhausting all this isn’t it?

Sorry @CactusCry23, can’t remember how old yours are. Telling mine (18 & 15) he wasn’t coming on holiday was hard in the moment - younger DC was really upset, and asked lots of questions which meant trying to explain about his behaviour without putting her in the middle. Older DC was calmer but has obviously been really affected by his moods over the years. Talking to her made me more sure I have to keep going.

Currently struggling with H’s attempt at normality. It’s mentally really difficult. I was obviously looking stressed/sad the other day and he asked me what was wrong - oh I don’t know… OUR MARRIAGE…

I just can’t wait to be away.

He’s starting his own counselling next week. That’s good. But I just can’t see any route back and would like some proper time apart - which he’s currently pushing back on.

It’s the cognitive dissonance when your gut is screaming out to you (literally in my case) that you are not truly happy or emotionally safe in your marriage. It takes so much out of you

There is a part of me that wants to put it all back in its box. For one thing he’s behaving at the moment - probably because the family unit is under threat. And seeing DCs unhappy/the atmosphere is horrible.

But I can’t. For me it’s my sleep and my teeth…

One delightful nuggets from H…. When we have one of our Chats he feels sad ‘for about 3 days’.

Then all is hunky dory it seems…