Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Where to begin @CactusCry23… The mad thing is he displayed all of these at counselling

Over-inflated sense of self-importance
Lack of empathy
A need for excessive admiration
Sense of entitlement
Hyper-focussing on fantasies of grandeur

I absolutely can’t unsee them. I did wonder if it helped to dwell on WHY he behaves like he does. But I think it does - it shows me how impossible it is for him to change.

Is yours the same??

You can't see something like that and then "unsee" it. It would be a case of denying your reality, and no good that will come of that long term at all. It sounds like you've done enough of that already.

You might be experiencing something similar to the stages of grief, and you're possibly still in the denial stage @CactusCry23 which is fair enough. Stages aren't linear and you might move between them. It's definitely a process. I think it's really common to pore late night over internet pieces about this once the penny drops, I know I did. I think it's a desperate search to "prove" that you're right, that there IS something completely off about the behaviour that's being blamed on you and that it's not your fault, and most of all, no you're not going mad. I think I was looking for "back up" and justification for the divorce, which was not an easy decision for me at all.

Therapy/mediation with someone with these behaviours isn't ever going to be easy or worthwhile unless it's with a professional who can see through they dynamic, and let's face it, it's really rare that anyone can until the scales fall which takes time. It's just another stage for them to manipulate on.

I was exactly the same - searching the internet for reasons why he is the way he is. Looking for validation that I am not going mad.
I found my 'crock of gold' in a book - The covert passive aggressive narcissist by Mirza.
Oh my word - I could have written that book and then I saw him - then that led to more articles on the internet at 2am about him. It all just fitted.

I still questioned it all and probably always will. I think it will always hurt and I think my very character has been fundamentally changed by all of this experience. But that may not be a bad thing either.

You will get through this - you may look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards by it all - but you will get through it. We don't really have much choice except to keep going forward and know that each day is a step closer to a healthier and happier future.

Try and have a lovely Sunday and always find something positive in every situation.

It's a complete waste of time and energy to try to figure out why men like that behave the way they do.

I think the reason we go through that stage (of trying to work it out) is because we simply cannot believe that we have been so stupid as to find ourselves married to an abusive man. Like, how the fuck did that happen? It's baffling and unfathomable.

The healing process is a long road and it's best to concentrate on your own life and your own future. I found it also helped to remember that my ex was basically a parasite. Feeding off my fear, putting me down, exerting control, this was how he operated.

Keep your armour on. Stay on your guard. Don't give him an inch.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore very similar. How are you getting on?

There was so much guilt shifting, painting self as a victim, blaming me for his unhappiness.
And yes, big yes to self entitlement - he still now feels entitled to belittle me. Getting excessive silent treatment. Still grim.

Feeling angry that I won’t get to see my kids every day thanks to his abusive behaviour.
With a huge dose of financial anxiety. Fun times!

I was thinking about you today OP.
I resonate with the financial anxiety and scared for a life without the kids everyday.
My DH is claiming to be a changed man, even taking himself off to therapy etc. But it feels insincere after everything he's put us through. It feels like he's still trying to control me, just with a different tactic.

Yes @ThunkedThoughts thought of you too!

I had an online chat with a women’s aid counsellor and they agreed, the ‘therapy/changed man’ is part of the cycle, part of the manipulation.

I knew deep down this was not a blip and it would bite me again, unless I filed. Backed me into a corner.

Do you want him changed man or not?

I also found out that he had told my MiL about my ‘personality disorder’ BEFORE I received the apology letter that triggered this thread. So he had planted those seeds before confronting me with my ‘diagnosis’ a fortnight later.

‘What they hate in you is missing in them’ is the motto I’m repeating rn.

Oh I'm glad you had a chat with Women's Aid and thanks for passing on what they said. I'm only just really coming to accept it was definitely emotional abuse. But I think that understanding will help me keep on track. Absolutely don't want him!

It's good to have a motto. Mine is the only way out is through!

Your STBXH has been incredibly manipulative and calculating. Mine has started telling people about our troubles, masking it as him getting support. But I suspect he is just trying to manipulate the narrative before I give my side. Its all abouy control. I'm ignoring it all.

@CactusCry23I’m glad you’ve had support from Women’s Aid. I spoke to a local organisation a months ago and having their validation did make me feel stronger.

I’m OK. I’ve been down a bit of a rabbit hole of looking up covert narcissism, which seems to describe him to a T.

We have our second counselling appointment this morning. Given nothing gets talked about here I want to make sure what I need to say gets heard. We had talked a couple of months ago about him moving out, at least as a temporary thing, once exams were over. Well now they are - and guess what, nothing’s happening.

He appears to be carrying on as normal, save for sleeping on the sofa. No reaction - not sad, not angry. Makes me feel like I’m on the other side of the glass screaming and no one can hear me.

Getting rid of a man like that (and I include @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore in this), really is like removing a giant parasite. They will hold on for dear life rather than lose their host. It took me over a year to manoeuvre my ex out of the house. He just wouldn't go.

All I could do was keep taking one small step at a time.

How did you get on @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore ? Do you feel like at least the therapist is supporting you? I'm not sure how you actually move it forward!! I'm also going to use a couples therapist to hopefully move us forward.

To have recognised he is a covert narcissist is a big step and hopefully give you motivation to push ahead, knowing what you're dealing with.

She’s pretty good @ThunkedThoughts but couples counselling is it’s always going to be about what you can BOTH do to improve things, which doesn’t feel fair.

She has called him out a few times though, and it’s been good that he’s actually had to hear and respond to me. There was a point today where he was really minimising his angry moods - and I just completely broke down in tears. Which actually might be a good thing - showed how I truly feel and the impact he’s had.

Good luck with the counselling, I couldn’t hack it - he went first and talked about how we had communication problems and how our arguments spiralled. Total BS! Felt re-traumatised and he told me I had to pay for the pleasure.

He’s started on me again tonight. He will never forgive me for this, it’s all my fault. I have ruined his life and the DC’s. Said he didn’t admit his abuse just that that he was ‘sorry I felt abused’. Why have I not put the house on the market etc etc. I am stalling.

He has no savings because he spent all his money on me and DS might not get in to his high school of choice if we move.

My fault because I never took responsibility for my MH apparently. He wants 50/50 custody. Etc etc etc forever

I’m sorry you’ve had all that thrown at you tonight @CactusCry23. The madder the stuff he says though, the more you know you’re best rid.

Hope you at least have a space away from him tonight. And you can always come and vent on here!

The constant blaming and finger pointing is just awful. Is there any way you can protect yourself from it? Do speak to Women's Aid again and see if they have any advice.

Get 3 estate agents to come and value the house next week then get it on the market.

Ignore his 50/50 threats. Again, he is just looking to inflict stress and cause maximum chaos and damage.

I am so sorry you're having to deal with his ongoing bullying and temper.

You're definitely going to be needing that solicitor.

So some full on DARVO then? He's trying to maintain control

Mine is still Disney Dad and equally frustrating. It feels so fake, but the kids can't see it. Suddenly parent of the year but he's never done a sick day, medical appointment or bathtime in his life. It feels controlling in a different way. Feels like he's definitely building up to the 50/50 fight, which is terrifying when I've been the only active parent for the best part of a decade.

Children are programmed to keep themselves safe, and align with caregivers in a way that will most likely bring about the "safest" outcome for them in the short term. They're not making long term balanced decisions, they are reacting to the environment they find themselves in, for now.

It will all come out in the wash, try not to pin too much on who they "believe" or put them in the position where they've got to choose a side. They can see what's going on.

Best of luck for the weekend everyone.

Don't ever get back together with him. What he did is also child abuse. Children should never witness a parent abusing the other.
A letter is easy to write. Real change is extremely hard and takes a long time, even if he wanted to change, which he clearly doesn't. I'm glad you see that it's been a con job.

I had an emotionally abusive, cheating ex who, when faced with me leaving conveniently admitted his wrongdoing and was "sorry." That lasted as long as he thought there was a chance I'd stay. I didn't buy it and left, so he then reversed himself, saying everything was my fault and that I was actually the one abusing him. The only time abusers are sincere is when they're being cruel. That's who they really are.

Thanks @MuckFusk he continued to shout at me in front of the kids when he is not blanking me.

He is doing a good of guilting me and playing the victim through silence! He also is still saying that I have a personality disorder. I have a told a few friends and they’ve made me feel like I am over reacting, though not intentionally. It’s hard to describe to them how insidious and scary his behaviour has been.

Despite this I am starting to wonder if the divorce is worth all this pain - crazy making.

How is home @Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore ? I recorded his last diatribe and will keep doing so til we split.

I'm sorry that it is all just awful for you at the moment. It does make you wonder if it is all worth it doesn't it?
I think when they realise that they are not able to reel you back in again with a few nice words and a kind smile (AKA "just look at how much I have changed"), that's when they up the ante and have nothing to lose. The true colours will start showing more and more, they will want to make life as miserable as possible for you and they usually know how, because they know you so well.
Mine knew how much I hated noise so he played loud music constantly - as well as so much more. Life was pretty difficult and I did wonder now and then if it was all worth this pain and grief.
Yes it is!
If you forgive/forget/accept the half arsed apology - nothing will ever change for the rest of your life - or until you decide enough is enough and will have to start this whole process again.
Keep on going, dig deep for that strength and inner resolve and there are brighter, peaceful, happier times ahead 🌻