Emotional Abuse & Divorce

[CactusCry23]

To cut a veeeery long story short after a six month period of intense emotional and verbal abuse I filed for divorce. I have had a huge hand hold from friends and family. Kids have born witness to all of DH toxicity too.

Out of nowhere four days after I told DH I had filed for divorce, I get a letter of apology.
He sat down the day after and coughed to it all - apologised for being controlling and abusive said it was his depression and he is now dealing with that with drugs and therapy.

He said he doesn’t know why he blamed me for all his unhappiness and his ego has only just let him see what he did.

he argues his MH is partly to blame and he has overall been a good spouse. (There have definitely been other red flags during our relationship but less overt and less intense). He said he no longer blames me for his behaviour but added he feels bruised by how I minimised his contribution to the family.

I am very stuck feel very down and don’t know which way to go. He has been civil and kind for a week now.

Thanks all PP so useful to re read all your posts when I’m doubting myself.
I feel so out of steam with it all now. He’s had a go about annual leave, money, think he’s just gonna keep finding angles til he is out of steam.

Just got to keep ploughing onwards haven’t I.

He will look for any stick to beat you with. All you can do is take a deep breath and remove yourself from him whenever possible.

"I am not having this conversation with you." and leave the room.

It's going to be rinse and repeat while side-stepping every stone he decides to throw your way.

Exhausting, frustrating, and entirely to be expected from him as he rails against your decision to end the marriage.

Keep the faith.

He's going to keep finding angles. He feels that you'll run out of steam before he will, and that's why he's doing it.

You need to find a way to seperate yourself from him and what comes out of his mouth and accept that none of it is necessarily true, or needs your attention. Redirect your attention from him to getting the divorce logistics in place and moving in that direction rather than wondering what he's up to. It doesn't matter.

Get really clear on what the next step is, and tackle it without delay. You know which direction you're going in, there is no benefit to you in delaying unless you've identified something that will put you in a better financial position if you delay.

Just stick some earplugs in or noise cancelling buds with a good audio book and ignore. You don’t have to listen to him now. KOKO

Hope everyone is ok? I am
moving things on best as I can. He is being very hostile over literally everything. Taking me to bank to sign me off the joint account (which I’ve never used).

Are you getting support/advice IRL@CactusCry23 to help you stay strong against him? Hope so. And hope the MIL intervention was binned!

We have a counselling session booked. I really don’t know if it’s a good idea, but hopefully at least having someone else there will mean I get some actual concrete responses!

I believe you are entitled to half of that joint bank account.

I hope you have sought legal advice.

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore have you got some concrete examples of behaviour and incidents? I found that DH was talking about things with no basis, unable to give examples. But
Be prepared that they will ask you what you want out of the session too.
Hope you get some progress!

You are entitled to half of whatever is in the joint account. Did he manage to take your name off it?

Keep ploughing on. He's really going at all angles isn't he ?!

No I have to sign for it @Sicario he wants to go tomorrow

Don't let him bully you. In your shoes, I would ask to speak to the bank employee without your husband present. If this is not possible, I would tell the bank, right in front of him, that you are divorcing and he has brought you to the bank because he wants to take you off the joint account.

Ask if there is money in the account. If so, ask for the account to be frozen. Ask if your name is on anything where there is a jointly-and-severally-liable charge.

Your STBXH is undoubtedly taking steps regarding his financial position in anticipation of divorce and I wouldn't trust him an inch.

No - don't agree to that just yet. Even if you have to feign a bad bout of D&V for the weekend - just don't go.

All the things you thought they would never do to you in a million years - they will do!

Get some legal advice before you sign your name off or on to anything.

This is correct. Your response to every request now should be “I will ask my solicitor”.

Do not do anything he requests. If he starts to make a scene just ignore it or leave.

I signed off the joint account but I got three months statements.
I just want to cut all ties as quickly as possible.
He is so angry and passive aggressive about everything inc in front of the kids - just not sustainable

If you care about your children and your own future you will not engage in any more games. Understand he means to leave you and them with nothing. Stop it, go see a lawyer. The compromises you make now you will bitterly regret in a few years for decades.

See a lawyer on Monday.

Do not sign or agree to anything further in terms of financial decisions until you have taken legal advice.

No I won’t feel so much shame about where I’m at - not thinking straight.

I have a list of things I need to do to keep this moving

You’ve got this @CactusCry23. It must have been a tough day.

Couple’s counselling here. Apparently he’s not appreciated enough. Oh, and he tied himself in knots over some perceived slight from years ago. Started off all aggrieved, then contradicted himself and undermined his whole argument. Ha!

You have actually filed for divorce haven't you.

have you read all the info on this site - https://www.gov.uk/divorce
it's a step by step guide.

and you have contacted a solicitor haven't you.

I suggest changing the lock on the house doors while he is away

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon yes I have filed. We are doing mediation but if that collapses as I have found a solicitor (have used the free consultations)

@Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore that sounds familiar.
Definitely a strand in DH arguments including convoluted examples of how I had wronged him long ago that were not very factual!

He had often said he does too much though cannot give examples of this.

When I pushed him on it he said that women normally do all of the sch run (we split it 50/50 despite DH working part time and WFH some days) so he felt he was doing more than he ‘should’. Hugely invalidating and disrespectful to me.

But obviously that is not the only issue we had.

Mediation with a man who has gaslighted you, been abusive, lied through his teeth for months and blamed you for every woe in his life, is not going to have any value. He is not to be trusted and will not have the emotional intelligence to mediate.

You don't need to bend over backwards to facilitate his contact time either.

That’s my fear @Sicario. It makes financial sense to at least try though. He currently has full contact as well still live together.