Ex Has New Girlfriend - Losing My Mind

[Coconut97]

Basically what the title says…

My ex and I have 2 children together, youngest is 6 months. I have just found out he’s got a new girlfriend via social media and I’m losing my mind.

We have barely spoken since I was around 6 months pregnant with second baby, yet a few days ago he started to follow me on social media, he’s been liking my posts. I sent him a message to be friendly (before I knew about new gf) and he didn’t reply but ‘liked’ it, then two days later changed the ‘like’ to a ‘heart’ …

I’m a lot younger than my ex (nearly 16 years) and his new gf is probably around 40. This sounds awful but he spent most of our relationship saying I was too fat, yet she looks bigger than me and he’s saying she’s the best thing since sliced bread! He’d always say I was out of my prime now (late twenties) yet she’s over a decade older than me!

I literally haven’t slept, can’t stop crying and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Why is this woman so much better than me?! Do I just block him on everything now? I really don’t want to be scrolling though socials and see a pic of them cosied up!

I saw a video on social media a few days ago about a woman who was sitting with her therapist and crying over an ex. And the therapist took a deep breath and said:
I'm genuinely so disappointed that this is who we're sad about.

Exactly this.
We're talking about a man who has abandoned you with his 2 small children, one who hadn't even been born yet, and has taken no responsibility for you or them since. A man who has preyed on someone nearly half his age and emotionally abused you, fed you insecurities about your age and your appearance. He sounds like a predator, a manipulator and an overall terrible human being.
And this is who we're sad about? Why?

Abusive men never leave their partners for someone better. They leave them for someone easier.
There's nothing better - or worse - about her. Your worth, just like her worth, isn't decided by your age, your size, your beauty. You are both worthy and shouldn't be compared. The only reason he's with her and not with you is because he can get away with abusing her and mistreating her and she makes it easier for him than you did.
Let her have him.
Move on.

What an excellent response!!
There is actually nothing more to add to this!

Thank you! I think what upset me most is he inferred that he was with her because ‘she didn’t let him lie or go behind her back’. He cheated on me countless times and I took him back because I’m an idiot…

I don’t understand why he’s followed me on social media, liked my posts. When he literally has a girlfriend.

Well his response makes no sense. If he needs someone less to control his behaviour he’s looking for a mother, not a partner.

He cheated on me countless times and I took him back because I’m an idiot…

You need to think about yourself and your children now.
Does he give you any financial support for the children?

Had you thought that maybe he's following you on SM now simply so that he can show this woman off to you? Because he knows how much it will upset you? He's actually WANTING the mother of his children to feel upset!

What does that tell you about what kind of man he is?

Block him. Communicate only about the children on approved apps.

You’re better off. You’ll see it one day.

He’s followed your posts etc to get a response from you. Just ignore him. Only communicate about the children. If having him on social media is too difficult block him and communicate about the kids via text or email (or the apps mentioned by a pp - sounds better)

Block and move on.

Block him on your social media. He's a cheat and a nasty tosser - he treated you badly so stop crying over him! He's probably saying the same nasty things to her and will cheat on her too. You're better off without him.

Have you considered some counselling? You need to work on your self-esteem so that you never accept that behaviour from another man. Look after yourself and your children and don't give your vile ex any of your headspace.

ugh he sounds so unnattractive. Like a man child. He is emotionally manipulating you to feel like the big man. Making you interact with his social media now he has a new woman to make you feel jealous so he can feel big. Take a deep breath. Defriend him, block him. Concentrate on getting money off him for your kids, and that it IT. Do not even consider getting back with him. You need to move on and only then will you look back and realise how much he was using / abusing you. Whenever you wonder anything about him, tell yourself it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what gf he has, what job he has, where he has moved to etc etc as you are only seeing the side of it he wants you to see. You aren’t seeing the truth.

I would put money on it that he is also manipulating his new gf, they will break up, and he will try and get back together with you. Seen it before. Don’t engage

It sounds silly but I just want him to want me back. Right now I feel like I’ll never do better. I’ve had two babies, my stomach is ruined (as he always said). He’s loaded running around with this new gf. I feel like ‘who’s going to want me now’ …

Could it be the new GF following you as a ‘test’ to see if he’s still involved with you? Or to butter you up so they can play happy families with the kids?

Oh darling. You self esteem is in tatters. There’s nothing anyone can say on here that will help you. You need to prioritise yourself and book yourself into therapy. I mean it.

It really is! I’ve wasted my twenties on an old (compared to me) man who’s constantly told me how shit I am, cheated on me and then runs back saying ‘no one’s you though’.

I think I’m more angry at myself for attaching myself to this idiot. You’d thinks he’s Brad Pitt the way he goes on!

This is what I’m worried about. He’d often tell me ‘x woman deserves to be a mother more than you do’ and I’m panicking he’s going to get my youngest to call his new gf ‘mummy’.

That is the one thing that would break me…

Don’t let him goad you! You absolutely need to block him on all media and means of communication. Either set up a special email or use an app to communicate with him about financials and child access. Do NOT entertain any personal chat with him.

NB: Do you have arrangements in place for maintenance and regular access? How is all this working out?

Above all, take steps to address your low self worth. Counselling would be good, but start by reading the following very useful books:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

I feel like ‘who’s going to want me now’ …

Stop thinking like that. As a pp said, see if you can access therapy or counselling.

This guy isn't a prize. One day you will realise that.

Agree you could do with some therapy. He has destroyed your self esteem.

Do I just block him on everything now?

Yes. This is nothing to do with her, and everything to do with your self esteem which is in your boots. If your stomach was flat as a pancake, he would STILL be pond scum who isn't worth a second of your energy or thoughts.

The best thing you can do is throw all this energy into working out why you're so attracted to someone who treats you like shit, and making sure that you don't choose someone who treats you like shit and makes you feel terrible in future. This isn't healthy love, it's an abusive cycle. You can show your children this, or you can work hard to show them something better so they can go on and choose better for themselves.

The way you feel is very natural and human. Many of us would feel the same, even though it doesn’t make logical sense to feel the way you do. You rejected and not good enough, ugly even. You know he is no good, you probably don’t want him back and you know he should not be in control of your self worth but you find yourself here none the less.

I have felt those feelings too, they are frustrating. Rationalising them helps a little but the inner feeling of wanting to be the best one, of wanting the ex to be less happy with the new one and to pine after me are hard to silence. I don’t have any answers exactly, but I can say the feelings don’t cause me to cry now because time wise I am a lot further on than you and my kids are grown up and I am in a new relationship with a man I love. So all those things help. Acknowledging the feelings and not being cross with yourself helps. Allowing the thoughts but then cracking on with things help too. You need a few days to process but trust yourself to be ok.

Wow @Coconut97what you really need now is to focus on yourself. Fuck him.

have you any opportunity of therapy - you need to desperately build back your self worth and self esteem and not centre it around him. He is not worthy of you!!

This man is a sorry piece of nothing but his answer makes sense about what men like

OP if you really think you can't get better than this loser who treated you like shit, you need to work on your self-esteem. You can do MUCH better. A decent man doesn't care how your stomach looks after having two children - I've had five and my stomach is a train wreck - my DH couldn't care less because he loves me. Having a perfect body doesn't compare to being a decent, kind, intelligent, funny,imperfect human being. There are plenty of men out there who know this.

Hes following you on social media to see if you are still a dummy - he got his answer when you sent him a message "to be friendly". Why do you feel the need to be friendly to a man who abandons his children? The only thing hes going to offer you is a role change from woman he cheats on to woman he cheats with. You need to figure how to not be a dummy -therapy is a good step. Otherwise you are going to go round and round with this man for years until you finally get sick of it. You can do, and deserve, much better than that. Good luck!