Ex Has New Girlfriend - Losing My Mind

[Coconut97]

Basically what the title says…

My ex and I have 2 children together, youngest is 6 months. I have just found out he’s got a new girlfriend via social media and I’m losing my mind.

We have barely spoken since I was around 6 months pregnant with second baby, yet a few days ago he started to follow me on social media, he’s been liking my posts. I sent him a message to be friendly (before I knew about new gf) and he didn’t reply but ‘liked’ it, then two days later changed the ‘like’ to a ‘heart’ …

I’m a lot younger than my ex (nearly 16 years) and his new gf is probably around 40. This sounds awful but he spent most of our relationship saying I was too fat, yet she looks bigger than me and he’s saying she’s the best thing since sliced bread! He’d always say I was out of my prime now (late twenties) yet she’s over a decade older than me!

I literally haven’t slept, can’t stop crying and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Why is this woman so much better than me?! Do I just block him on everything now? I really don’t want to be scrolling though socials and see a pic of them cosied up!

I feel like such a spoon now sending him a message as now he pretty much knows I still want him…

When I feel depressed about my body I always think about my late grandmother, who was a fucking awesome human being. She taught me so much and was a fantastic role model. She was hilarious as well.

Not once do I ever think of her and muse “yeah she was great…but…she really did have a fat tummy…” it’s completely irrelevant about who she was as a person, and quite frankly sounds ridiculous when I think about it like that.

if someone loves you in a deep and meaningful way then please trust me, they don’t give a shit about how flat your stomach is. That’s a very shallow, teen way of looking at a relationship.

lets say for arguments sake you do have a flat stomach. He will only find something else to criticise. You’ll spend your entire life trying to please this man, which is an impossible / neverending task. Esp as you get older and you start to naturally age. My poor aunt is like this. Rake thin, beautifully turned out with hair and make up, speaks beautifully etc etc. Husband still criticises her when she eats anything. It’s impossible. Don’t waste your life on a task that is so shallow and can’t be won.

Brilliant response. Op, please read this carefully.

You’re not losing your mind. He’s abused you and your likely trauma bonded. I can promise you that he will abuse this woman too. The only reason he won’t right now is because he wants to triangulate you. He wants you to jump higher than her and her to jump higher than you and he wants to literally torture you. You do not deserve this. He is a horrible horrible an abuser. You have had the luckiest escape of your life… I am so sorry you have to co-parent with him becuse he is a monster. I promise you that he will totally destroy you if you let him. But you can be stronger than that… everything he’s said to you about you is not true. You will be beautiful and kind and gorgeous and lovely and that’s why he targeted you. He’s what my mum used to call ‘a bad man’. Don’t let him play with your head. Please. X

I like @Girlmom35 post.

This is a "man" who abandoned you with two small children.

This is who you are sad about? Why?

The answer will be a complicated mixture of low self-esteem, poor role models etc.

All of this you can recover from and live a fantastic life.

XX

Excellent advice throughout!

I'm sorry this arse bulldozed your young life.

But his life is none of your business and your life is none of his.

The only thing you have in common is the kids and their wellbeing. Maintenance and access will need to be arranged in a civilised way.

So block him on all social media - that way you won't get triggered by lovey dovey pics and posts (which aren't real life). Avoid texts.

Engage with him only via a formal email address ... and keep all messages, in case you need them later.

Start to take control of what your mind is doing - could you access some therapy?

You've got loads more good years ahead of you.

And you have beautiful children. Focus on your relationship with them.

The new girlfriend - instruct your children that they must call her by her name, whatever their father says. You are mummy. Mother. That is your privilege.

Start referring to him as 'their father', not as 'my ex'.

Take care of yourself. Eat and sleep and hydrate well, if you smoke, stop. Use sunblock. Get moving - walking and running and football in the park with the kids are free. You'll feel better and look good.

All the very best to you and your children in your new arsefree life.

He obviously is vile and one day I hope you realise that.
Did you have a rubbish Dad? My friends with shit men in their lives so often did.

I bet it would be really helpful for you to do something like the freedom program. As he is abusive and yet you can't see it.

Need to focus on you and your children. Surround yourself with good people find things you like doing for yourself, have some therapy, get fit, find something that brings you joy like singing or dancing, art or sport.

Now is not the time to worry about being with someone else enjoy being you.

Very wise words indeed

He has tried to mess with your head and he has been successful. I advise blocking for your own sanity and then working on building yourself up a bit. Do you think you were holding out hope for a reconciliation and that’s why you’ve taken this so badly? Honestly I think you are better off without this person in your life until you are strong enough to shrug off his antics without a meltdown.

My heart goes out to you so much. Ive been you. I even got a tummy tuck and a glow up. I did loads of self improvement too. I left him, but I was so trauma bonded I wanted him back - or at least to beg me to go back so I could tell him to fuck off. He didn't, he just abused me more, breadcrumbed me, gaslit me, was horrendous coparenting with him - he almost destroyed me. 8 years on, and he desperately wants me back (like I wanted) but now I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire. I have an amazing boyfriend who has shown me what healthy love feels like. He doesn't love you, and you don't love him - you just want to seek his approval so much because of the trauma bond. I know - I had it - and it feels like all consuming powerful love. Its not. You need therapy to work that out and get past it. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you - you have to get this nasty man out of your life and out of your head. xxx

Very kindly, if you don't expect better or zhunk you deserve better..... you'll never get better.

So many posts of women settling for less.

Think about what example you want to set for your children.

Focus on working on your self esteem, leabing to love yourself and (when the time is right) someone who is worth of your attention.

And block that ex - he is playing with you!

He started following you on social media in order to prompt you to do the same, so you can see that he’s with someone else and hopefully it will make you jealous. He is twisting the knife. It’s a manipulative move. But it also proves he can’t let go.

Chin up and move on. He’s behaving like an arse.

if he’s 16 years older than you he may try crawling back some years down the line if he sees in you a possible carer/someone to cook and clean. Don’t fall for it!

He wants to torture you more is all. That’s why he’s suddenly all over your socials when he has a new gf. Just to show you he has a new gf and torture you some more. To prove he’s still in your head. Don’t show him he is. Don’t give him another inch.

Does this prince among men pay child support? If not, apply right now. Don’t respond or block him - hold him accountable to his children and focus on them. Look forward to a future with a lovely man who won’t abuse you.

It sounds silly but I just want him to want me back

Yep, it does sound silly. You should be chuffed this woman has landed herself such an albatross around her neck. He just doesn’t sound like a prize, let alone one you’d want to win🤷‍♀️.

Block him. And stop looking at what he's doing. What people post on social media is often a complete heap of shite anyway. She's won no prize. In 2/3 years time, she may well be sitting exactly where you are right now. Pregnant or with a child that he can't be arsed with.

Claim your self respect back, and move on. The best revenge is to live your best life WITHOUT him in it.

He is a very good Dad, just an absolute nightmare of a partner!

I’m just shocked as I’m not bad when I’m ‘glammed up’ and he used to put me down constantly so I thought his new gf would be Victoria Secret model type so when I saw her I was shocked as she’s just normal…

I genuinely doubt that he's anywhere close to being a very good dad.

Look love, you may not feel it now but I can 100% promise you that your life will be a thousand times better without this manipulative pathetic piece of work in it. Believe me, I'm old, I've been there. There is no way that you are not well off without him. Trust me.

He's a 'very good dad' who abandoned you and your child while you were pregnant with your second? He's a 'very good dad' who endlessly belittles and devalues the mother of his children and does everything he can to hurt and upset her and make her feel bad?

No, he's really, really not a very good dad.

You've had some great advice on this thread, OP. Please take it to heart, and do whatever you can to look after yourself and your lovely children. x

A very good dad - by role modelling being a cheat and an abuser?

Please tell me that you’ve been to the child support maintenance service and you are taking him to the cleaners for these children if nothing else ?

And I would have a tummy tuck if that’s what you want using his money, but you’ve gotta get it first

He is Not a very good Dad.

Where the fuck is he?

It breaks my heart to read your post, OP. I can’t bear to see women be degraded by abusive, immature men, having their self worth absolutely destroyed, but still wanting the man back.

Please, please listen to everyone here on Mumsnet and block this miserable excuse for a man, focus on building up your confidence in yourself, and realise that he’s toying with you. He started following you on social media to rub your nose in his new relationship; that’s why. He’s pathetic, in a word.

You deserve better and, once you have more belief in yourself, you will find someone better than him.

Because he is a cunt basically.