Ex Has New Girlfriend - Losing My Mind

[Coconut97]

Basically what the title says…

My ex and I have 2 children together, youngest is 6 months. I have just found out he’s got a new girlfriend via social media and I’m losing my mind.

We have barely spoken since I was around 6 months pregnant with second baby, yet a few days ago he started to follow me on social media, he’s been liking my posts. I sent him a message to be friendly (before I knew about new gf) and he didn’t reply but ‘liked’ it, then two days later changed the ‘like’ to a ‘heart’ …

I’m a lot younger than my ex (nearly 16 years) and his new gf is probably around 40. This sounds awful but he spent most of our relationship saying I was too fat, yet she looks bigger than me and he’s saying she’s the best thing since sliced bread! He’d always say I was out of my prime now (late twenties) yet she’s over a decade older than me!

I literally haven’t slept, can’t stop crying and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Why is this woman so much better than me?! Do I just block him on everything now? I really don’t want to be scrolling though socials and see a pic of them cosied up!

This is a horrible thought for you to have. I'm so saddened for you. My husband said I looked beautiful yesterday when I was fat, hot and sweaty and threw on a dress. I didn't even brush my hair. You need to concentrate on your own worth and self esteem and concentrate on your children not this man, not any other man until you are settled with your children and appreciate yourself x

Yet this is one thing you can't control - even if it does devastate you. It's likely to be the type of thing he'll do to provoke you. However your child will HATE it. The only thing you can do is not react and instead be happy with your kids and give them so much love (more than a stepmother generally would - I am one) that they never have any doubts over who is mummy.

Your ex is courting attention from you. Liking then hearting your messages, while saying his new GF is keeping him in line (not enough that he isn't still contacting you, liking messages etc). He is clearly an attention-seeking man, one who cheated and needs constant adoration from any source. The best thing you can do is never give him an ounce of your energy or attention unless it is very coldly and practically to talk about child arrangements.

Can I suggest you stop following him on social media and stop engaging with him on anything other than practicalities? Anything else is a form of self-inflicted torture.

He's followed you & is liking/reacting to posts & messages because he wants to fuck with your head.
It has worked, he's in your head right now messing with your mind.
And he implies that he doesn't cheat on the new gf because she doesn't let him?!
What a massive piece of shit. This is just another line to reinforce how weak he claims you are. He has chipped away and worn you down & now your self-esteem is on the floor.
Don't think he won't use your children to punish & mess with you too.
You need to know your rights, and you need support to get stronger.

You need some good real life help & advice, perhaps counselling, child maintenance advice, find out about your rights, his contact rights etc.
Women's Aid might be a good place to start.

Do you have good family & social support?

He´s playing with your head, like he always did.

My late husband's ex was like this. She'd had an affair with a younger man.

Whenever DH looked like he was getting his life together, the ex would stick her oar in. Even her DIL described her as "jealous and controlling". Some people are just insecure and use others to boost their ego.

The fact that you want this shitty excuse for a man to want you to prove your worth shows just how shattered your self-esteem is.
You are young. You've got time ahead of you, but please don't focus on finding someone better, although there are good men, you need to build yourself up.
You know if you did ever get together with someone else too, your ex would probably lose his shit, even though he has hooked up already. He wants you under his foot.

This is absolutely bloody profound!!!!

When did you start seeing this man OP? You just have been very young. He has destroyed your self esteem. He's not worth it.

Your bar for a "very good dad" is extremely low, and I suggest you raise it.

Good dads don't treat the mother of their child like shit.

Ah I’m so sorry you feel like this. Please try to see what people are saying about how manipulative he is. I absolutely agree one reason for him to follow you would be to get in your head about this new girlfriend but he’ll most likely have a secondary reason and that’s to get into her head about you. This is what people like him do - he’ll try to make her feel insecure too because you’re younger - I’d bet money he’ll say all the same things to her he did to you, try to control her by making negative comparisons. He mentions to you she doesn’t let him get away with things? he’ll tell her you were always so kind and accepting etc.

he’s a sad little man who barely parents, and tried to wreck your self-esteem - and continues to do so. He will do exactly the same thing to this other poor woman if he can because this is how these types relate to women - it’s about power and control and making women feel small so he can feel bigger.

He’s got in your head when you’re tired and vulnerable - the mother of his children. That’s not a good father that’s a callous cruel bastard.

Well, judging by the photos I’ve seen, Brad Pitt’s not such eye-candy as he used to be!

Why “don’t you understand?” He hates you and wants to control you through shame and fear. He wants to use her to upset you, and probably uses you to upset her. There is no law that a man must have one gf at a time. Or that “likes” on social media reflect more than a strategy of manipulation.

Take off your rose coloured glasses and evaluate him for what he has done not for your fantasy of him.

I was 22 and he was 38. Fell pregnant at 23 and gave birth at 24, then again at 26 and gave birth at 27. He already had two children from a previous marriage (he’s actually still technically married). I was young and brought in by his charm etc x

Yes, well put.

If I’m honest I went on a bit of a social media snoop last night and he’s actively liking and commenting on 20 year old Onlyfans girls so he’s clearly not changed

A very good dad doesn’t treat the mother of his children like shit.

Sounds like he's an abusive ass and he's love-bombing her. It won't be long before he's putting her down and cheating on her too. He is who he is.

Chances are he is also posting his in social media in the hopes you will see it and it will hurt you. He sounds like a real prize. I almost pity this woman because I know that she's in for a world of hurt if she sticks around with him.

And you are in your prime. You have the opportunity to now find a decent guy. Your entire life is ahead of you.

I don’t understand why he’s followed me on social media, liked my posts. When he literally has a girlfriend.

Because to add to all his other horrible characteristics he enjoys tormenting you. He can’t hurt you as readily as he could when you were together, so he’s using social media to hurt you. He is toxic. Just keep reminding yourself of that and thanking your lucky stars he is out of your life now.

Of course he hasn't. They don't change.
Is therapy an option for you? It could be the very best thing you ever did for yourself and your kids if you can break this trauma bond.

He's followed you and liked your message because he's an abusive prick and it's given him huge satisfaction to get a response from you then rub your face in it (him having a new girlfriend) This man is awful, please don't put yourself or your children through any more of his shit. Block, delete, move on!

Stop it. Unfollow and block. You know why he's your ex. He's not showing you anything to show he's changed. You're playing into his ego here.
Keep it purely transactional about the children.
They don't get to meet a new woman immediately, especially if only 6mo. They won't be daft enough to call anyone else mummy.
Your stomach is not ruined, it has grown and brought two children into the world. He can't do that. Look after your children and yourself. That's the best you can do for them

This is such a good response !

Honestly who cares? Leave them both to their mess.

What would you say to one of your two children(!!!) if they were behaving like this over as an adult over someone so worthless?

Urgh this bloke is a train wreck OP. Leave him to it and move on . You are work so much more .

Just block him