Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Why are people defending this behaviour with what if it was your own son?! Personally if it was my own child they too would be out on their ear if they were dirty and lazy adults who didn't contribute financially or with chores using my electricity and drinking constantly.

There are a lot of posts with similar ideas for ground rules but presumably OP has thought of that. And concluded on the basis of past experience of DSS living with them that the chances of the rules being adhered to are somewhat less than those of a snowball in hell.

Nope. Plenty of background in MH - was a disability outreach worker for many years. I know the difference between a lazy arse and someone who has real mental health problems. Not sneering at all. Just a realist and not gullible enough to excuse shitty behaviour as ‘depression’. That’s how we’ve ended up with millions of people parked on benefits - and SS will just be another if OP and her DH enable this behaviour.

This has to be a wind up. Either that or an impressive comprehension fail.

This - and it's on your DH to enforce rules, and doing any chivvying along etc
It feels that the expectation is you will end up doing the parenting and clearing up after him (you mentioned your DH works late) - it's crucial you make it clear now you won't fall into that role. You want to support your SS but you won't be his skivvy or tolerate the home becoming a doss house. Your DH needs to parent him, not leave it to you.

This has actually brought a rear to my eye. As if they young man is "just" being an arse? Do you think he enjoys failing and living like this.? There are reasons he's finding life difficult atm, and two parents refusing home a home isn't going to help him.

Yes, of course, he needs to sort himself out, but it's not always as easy as just doing it.

We all hope our DC will be like OP's and thrive, but stuff happens and life is hard. My youngest was, until his father died, and then had a period just as DSS is described. Should have just chucked him out? Even if something that extreme hasn't happened for DSS, there will be something, probably several things.

So 20 maybe? Still young for these days

Yes, he clearly does enjoy living like this or he wouldn’t do it. The reason he’s living like this is because he could get away with it at uni and he wants to be allowed to carry on at home. Those excusing it as a MH problem need to look at the state the country is in because of soaring unprovable claims.

With respect, I think we know a little.but more about psychology and brain development now than we did in the 60s and 70s. Um...those same 60s and 70s when corporal.punishment still existed, pupils were abused in public schools, the church and many other institutions, and when people in mental health institutions were routinely restrained and locked up. Are those the good old 60s and 70s that you are talking about ?

I think this is it in a nutshell. OP has been presented with an ultimatum - he moves in or the marriage is finished. No discussion and no concern for how it will affect anyone else in the household - including OP’s own younger children. If SS moves in he’ll be a permanent fixture and OP won’t have a leg to stand on if any ground rules aren’t adhered to because the ultimatum will be the same. She’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t.

Either you all 3 adults agree some ground rules before he moves in and your DH enforces them, or DH and his son find somewhere else to live.

You and your sons tolerating the same behaviour and mess as last time, with you cleaning up after him whenever you can’t stand it any more, no way.

It sounds like your DH can’t be bothered to address any of his son’s problems though so I think you’re looking at either the end of your marriage, or you agreeing to have you and your sons lives made significantly worse by this person being in your house. If I was you I would pick your kids and your happiness over the husband, if forced to choose.

The thing is, it’s going to be ten times harder to kick him/both out when the time comes after he inevitably doesn’t change.

The point is that people are trying to excuse this behaviour by couching it as him struggling with MH. The country is on it’s knees because of the perpetuation of this point of view - people who can and should be contributing to society being parked on benefits with unprovable ‘depression’.

What the hell!!

You've leapt right to abusive practices from a post that sets out teaching young people how to have skills and responsibilities. Why are you conflating the two things?

We know so much about psychology and brain development that we have a massive MH crisis in children at the moment, due in part for letting them have free rein on social media but also not being able to allow them to feel uncomfortable in any way and naval gazing about every little thing. Our children are not emotionally healthy and part of that is because they dont have strong direction in their lives.

Maybe or maybe not. He's displaying very classic symptoms of depression IMO, but he's a young man so just need to snap out of it?

It's no wonder this group is such a high suicide risk 😪

That's the awkward truth isn't it. They can't both win, win probably isn't the right word but I can't think of another.

OP’s husband doesn’t have to “let his son become homeless.” He can pay the rent for a house share for him, whilst (I would suggest) wrapping a time limit around how long he’ll support him there. So six months or a year.
He’d have been paying more to put him through another year of Uni.

I suspect that adult, professional, house mates will quickly grow tired of having an unwashed, unhygienic layabout living with them. There’ll be peer pressure on him to sort his shit out - which is exactly what it sounds like he needs.

Good compromise.

Yes no wonder the level of indulgence and lack of accountability you propose and support massively contributes to depression

Wow and you don't even need to set eyes on the client to diagnose them.

What is his dad doing to help him? Sounds like he needs some type of support (emotional/medical/practical).

It doesn't detract from teaching people skills and responsibilities. That's all good of course. That's what young people should get. I'm just saying that in this particular case I think you can definitely join the dots. I'm therefore not conflating separate issues as far as this young man is concerned.

I think it is however unreasonable to effectively delegate all the ‘childcare’ to the OP.

To be fair, neither have the posters who have diagnosed him as having depression or being ND

Hi, I have read through this thread and looked at it all from both sides. I have discussed it with his father too . We have agreed to let him stay here to try and get himself sorted, it's harder for me as I am the one in the house more so the lazy lifestyle really bothers me . We have agreed that he can stay, he has to be up by a certain time and actively looking for work/ apprenticeships. His personal hygiene is to be addressed and all night gaming is a no no . My husband has promised he will be asked to leave if he doesn't change his past behaviour. Sad he's left uni as he would have had an excellent career. I honestly don't think he will change but I want to give him the best chance.