Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Divorce him. Dump him and that lazy SOB. He's a paracite by the sounds of it.

We have agreed that he can stay, he has to be up by a certain time and actively looking for work/ apprenticeships. His personal hygiene is to be addressed and all night gaming is a no no

What time will he have to be up and who will reinforce this/how?

My husband has promised he will be asked to leave if he doesn't change his past behaviour. Sad he's left uni as he would have had an excellent career.

What was he doing a degree in?

I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't allow my DC to live with me. I can also appreciate why you don't want him to live with you. I don't think either of you are wrong. It sounds like the only option is to separate, if you can both show some empathy for each other you should be able to manage the separation amicably.

I'm afraid that you are going to be lumbered with this for a while OP.

You need to reduce the problem into its constituent parts and concentrate on what things you do agree on. Short term your DH wants his son to not be made homeless. However, I also assume that your DH does actually want his son to have the opportunity to sort himself out, and he doesn't want him to drag on like this for ever. You need to give him a hard time for his use of blackmail in this difficult situation too.

You need to agree a range of conditions, as many people have suggested here, and all three of you need to sign up to it - and I mean literally, print out all the essential points on a piece of paper and all sign them. Make it clear to the son that these agreed points are non negotiable.

I suspect that you are going to have to do the heavy lifting to make it work, and this will involve constant reminders to DH and his son, but at least you will have the agreement to fall back on. Nag the living fuck out of the lad if need be, maybe he'll be happy to go back to his mum. No, you shouldn't have to, but it might be the only way to get what you want.

His parents need to be helping him sort himself out. They are letting him down by allowing the sleeping all day, gaming all night, drinking, hygiene problems. Plus not getting him some mental health support that it sounds like he needs. They have not been doing him any favours.

He's showing all the signs of deep depression.

He should go to GP or someone should take him. The lad needs help

I think you have to let him come back (especially if that was his home before he went off to university). But there needs to be some firm ground rules established before he move back in. Mainly, I'd be insisting that he pays rent. Not just a peppercorn token gesture, but a realistic amount. That way he has to get a job. If you don't need the money then put it aside and gift it back to him later when he's got himself in a position to use it constructively (eg house deposit). Also rules on doing his own domestic stuff. Not sure how you can fix his hygiene and cleanliness habits, but definitely teach him how to use the washing machine

Also, you and dh should read The Boy Crisis. Not clear how stepson got in this mess but that might help (and with your own sons too).

Only the first on that list of for the DH to do. All the telling this and sorting that is listed as for OP to do. This should not be in her life in any way at all. He's a grown man that has failed at being an adult when OP has enough on her plate already.

This was never his main home but I am also mindful my husband has lived with children not his . Maybe I am addressing this all wrong and need to help and encourage him out of this situation!!

I think living there with rules including cleaning,
A trial run forts before he moved out of uni accom
To prove he can do it

Did anyone tell him how smelly and unhygienic he was?

You could also ask hubby to rent a flat for them both and say you'll have long distance marriage for a couple of years and visit each other

Presumably the son has been living with mum or at uni, and only with OP in the holidays?

So this is a chance for a fresh start. Let’s hope his parents - his mum and his dad - can cooperate in supporting him.

I agree that this looks like depression. It could take a lot to help him out of this. I’d be asking dad to take some leave for the first few days he’s there to get a new routine established.

Sorry, may have missed this but where is he getting the money for gambling, takeaways, etc?

That's what I would be interested to know 🤔

Absolutely. Absurd to suggest that enabling a grown adult to be a workshy, lazy, unwashed drunk is somehow putting one's child first. How on earth is this preparing him for the world?

Edited to add: and to those who are saying he sounds like he's in a bad place, I agree he could well be. But that's all the more reason for his dad to step up and parent properly rather than just let things drift like this.

Your dh is sitting pretty in all of this, it doesn’t affect him really as he’s working late, so won’t be there to ‘enforce’ the house rules.

You really only have 3 choices: Let him come live with you, try to enforce the rules on your own and become frustrated and annoyed with both him and Dh

2: Leave dh or make dh leave.

3: Let him come and live with you, and say nothing, leave him to it, and be at peace with the smell and lack of life skills.

So if the son does not adhere to house rules and husband says he will ask him to
leave, where will he go then?
This is not a personal comment, you are in a tough spot, but his father enabling his behaviour like this is not helping him. He’s not 14, he’s an adult and before long he will be 25, and then 30.
If he has an underlying mental health issue, this needs addressing.
But living like this will literally kill him. A good friend’s young relative died of a heart attack at a young age, living like this. He was using Red Bull to fuel staying up all night.
His behaviour now is almost like an addiction. He’s lost Uni and his home with his mother. New rules in a new place won’t matter as long as he is feeding it. And someone else is fitting the bill.
If he couldn’t clean himself up for his own mum he won’t now for you. It is very sad, I feel for his dad, but having him in your home is not going to help your marriage.

@Motheranddaughter

and Op needs to put her children first. He sounds really quite repulsive, his bedroom for example sounds like a biohazard and it could be a terrible influence on them.

Get the ball rolling with the house being valued etc.
Your husband thinks if he can get him in the door you are stuck.

Get the house quickly valued before his son moves in.
Take photos of his bedroom before he moves in.

You need to get in front of the inevitable.

He isn’t the OP’s son. His actual parents are enabling this behaviour and its lousy parenting. They refuse to step up and address the problems, if the OP attempts to intervene on his behaviour he runs off to phone mummy and daddy (which is pretty manipulative behaviour - also something I’d associate more with delinquency or addiction than depression).

That is a recipe for reinforcing both the behaviour and his gambling habits and I would not want that around my own children, however fond I was of the boy when he was being clean and civil.

There is nothing in any of the OP’s posts to assume MH problems, there may be issues with gambling. The fact that brains do not stop developing until the mid 20s is not a reason to infantilise young adults, it is a reason why some of them may need actual rules to follow and adults who enforce them.

I understand the OP’s difficulties but you can already see that in a few months with ever more excuses and delays by the DH and the boy’s actual mother (who has refused to have him back) we will have the OP picking up the slack. The fine words about “limiting it to X months” will go by the wayside rapidly when X is hit and nothing has changed.

Remember this is not the first time - the DH has form for enabling the boy to live with them and then wash his hands of the problems.

And your husband is going to police all of this yeah?
I doubt this will work out well unfortunately but hope I’m wrong.

Tell your husband he can stay but that hes not allowed any PC or gaming consoles in his room. It's your house so you can dictate these rules. You can even take the fuses out of his plug sockets if he argues that the consoles are his.

It's a compromise your husband should be happy to make. His son gets a free bed, running water, food, and security. Just no gaming.

Ah, I’m not sure who has shaken your stance on this. It’s your funeral, I suppose. Hope it works out.

There is nothing in any of the OP’s posts to assume MH problems, there may be issues with gambling

And nothing to suggest that there are no MH issues. Dropping out of uni and society in favour of gambling, obsessive gaming, drinking and eating shit food is avoidant and potentially addictive behaviour that could be rooted in low self esteem, trauma, you name it. We don’t know! We are only hearing one little bit of one side of a story that has no doubt been evolving for a long time. Sorting this out will require patience, firmness, cooperation and - above all - hope.

This. Couldn’t have said it better myself. The rush to diagnose and medicate at the slightest hint that it ‘could be’ or ‘can be’ is what’s got us to the point where the country is on it’s knees because we’re paying out millions in benefits for conditions that can’t be proved one way or another. Until the government has had to apply the brakes and impose cuts that will undoubtedly affect those with genuine mental health problems far more than those who use it as an excuse for fecklessness.

I would be turning the internet off at X time every night. Password protect it. Change it frequently if you have to.
Room inspections. Daily shower. Required.
Deadline for changes.

Good luck.

I would die on this hill if he won't follow through and tell your DH he can move out with him if he doesn't change.