Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

This!

and also change of the wifi code at 11pm and write it on a note in the kitchen at 6am (or whatever times you choose) No one should be gaming all night.

My adult son lives with me and I don't charge him a penny of rent. Nor will I ever.
But I do expect basic hygiene, respect and either education or work.
This young man is not homeless. He has his own mum.

This.
OP, how long have you been married?
Did you buy your house together or was it yours/his before you moved in together?

Let’s face it… if he moves in the marriage is over anyway

There's only 1 thing you can do... you and DH go out of the house, neutral territory, for a long, long chat

Find a way to welcome him in that MUST include:

1. House rules
2. Real consequences
3. Proper support from dad
4. Financial ground rules
5. And a long discussion about DH not using emotional blackmail to make his problem somebody else's responsibility

Otherwise all your DH has done is washed his hands of his own life

Haven't read all the replies so sorry if this is duplicated what anybody else has suggested.
My brothers are just like this, it's quite sad but also due to a lot of mental health issues.
What happened for them was that they ended up getting a new telephone lime installed in their room to provide their own Internet line that is completely seperate and paid for by them in their own name.
They also pay for all their own food consumption (as did I when I lived back home briefly inbetween jobs and partners)
I also believe part rent is paid.
So although you are providing a living area, at a reduced rate, you're also not just letting him walk all over you and use your house as a free walk in the park through life.
I'd maybe suggest ground rules too (if you live in the house, basics such as tidying up after yourself and tidying your actual self are expected)
Although dh was perhaps being a bit dramatic, I see his point as I wouldn't want my children unwelcome either.
Perhaps this could help in getting to a middle ground?

Gish so his mum holds more responsibility for sorting him out than his dad does? Really?

No one has said that he shouldnt put his son first, and no one has said OP should live with him. The problem is those two things are opposite to continuing the marriage.

He also isnt really putting his son first if he doesnt support him to live differently, although that might be a long piece of work.

OPs husband really needs to rent a 2 bed flat (he would have to do this in any case if the marriage is over), move him and his son in and deal with him that way.

Surely you can work on stuff, when he’s with you! Down to his dad realistically, and to support you both

I didn't say his dad is not responsible, if you read my posts. But certainly his mum is more responsible than OP.

No one saying OP is responsible, but his Dad does need to step up, which leaves OP with a choice.

@Champaganesupernova if he hasn’t started looking then all the apprenticeships should be on this site. You’re perfectly within your rights to talk to him about how miserable his lack of help/cleaning/hygiene made you last
time and to engage him in conversation about what you expect from him.
www.findapprenticeship.service.gov.uk/apprenticeshipsearch

Sadly your husband is enabling terrible life choices in his son

What practical steps does your dh propose to change the course of your step sons life?

Surely him.moving in would only be helping him if it had conditions ie. No gaming at night a commitment to changing his life and full time work

It might be earlier on the thread but I want to know who owns the marital home, if the poster's 2 children at school are from a first marriage and if the poster works. Either way it is not acceptable. My older son did move back after university and indeed commuted there from home towards the end (not ideal in my book but at least he graduated). We had very clear rules eg I employed him part time (as I work full time) to collect his brothers from school by car every day and he looked after them - kind of au pair job and then we had a time limit by which he moved out (I helped him buy a house) ie when the twins left for university. So we all knew where we stood. I did not have any complications of step children however.

In this case I am concerned the step brother might be a bad example to the 2 school children in the home.

Would you treat your own kids differently? He might be a bit of a waster...but maybe he's depressed and needs support and comfort of safe place to live? He's only 20.

I lived at home after uni although had a job, although know I'd try and support my kids if they were like your ss and allow them to live at home (and support them) while they sort themselves out? Think you're being unreasonable. But within rights to set certain parameters...like have to work and pay rent.

The stepson will resent the fact that his step brothers are doing well academically, he will metaphorically shit all over the family, sabotage everything and bring you all down to his level.
The husband will bury himself in his work hobbies or whatever and ignore the problem, a man who issues ultimatums is not a man who is able to face up to and deal with problems.

I am assuming that you and your DH own the house?

Tbh if my partner said my child adult or not wasn't welcome in my home i would end that relationship.
A compromise needs to be had here, your DH isn't supporting him , he sounds like he has metal health issues. He needs routine. Say he's welcome but he has to do the basics
Be up before 10
Shower daily
Do the dishwasher every day
Or whatever it is you would like him to do

But the point is that this young man has two parents, neither of whom seem able or willing to help him or get him back to a decent lifestyle. They are the unreasonable ones, not OP.

Depends what Op is classing as an adult, he’s uni age so could only be 18, yeh legally an adult but very different to a 30 year old coming back home

Come on! How can you make a grown adult get up by 10am, shower every day and not use the internet at night? Do those of you suggesting that have young adult dc at home? (Many of these rules are not realistic especially for someone who already behaves in the opposite way which op well knows as the boy already lived there!)

Who owns the house you all live in, is it joint?
Could he be gaming all night and sleeping in because he’s on holiday when he comes to see you usually. What would you say if your sons turned 18 and DH wanted to throw them out because he doesn’t like their lifestyle?

He's unlikely to be 18 as he's attempted 2 years at uni now.

She said he’s 20.

Make it a condition that he must sign on as soon as he moves in.

This will give him a dose of reality, He’ll receive pressure from outside the house to prove that he is actively seeking work, have appointments to attend and applications to follow up. He can also then contribute financially.

It also means that he already in the system if things don’t work out and he needs to find his own accommodation.