Told if stepson can't move in marriage over

[Champaganesupernova]

My adult stepson has been excluded from university for the second year due to lack of attendance and not doing his work . Every holiday he has been to our house he lies in bed all day, doesn't shower and physically smells of BO. He then games, gets drunk and orders takeaways until 6am in the morning , he's never had a part time job or any form of responsibility . Stepson now states he will look for an apprenticeship and live here . I am really unhappy about this, I have a busy life looking after my very elderly mum and I also have two teenage boys at home in full time education.
I can't see stepson changing and my husband who works late every day will probably ignore this, I see stepson being quite happy unemployed with the benefits of a nice , cushy home-life. My husband has basically told me if his son is not welcome then our marriage is over.

Ok. If he doesnt change, then your DH paying for a houseshare would be a good compromise.

What are the timescales that are in place for him moving out OP if it doesnt work?
Who is going to speak to him about what is required of him?
Who is going to nag and manage him to do the things that are required?

Because I suspect all of that will fall to you, reminding him and reminding the dad of what he hasnt done today. And then you'll be blamed for nagging and getting at him.

This sounds so like my own stepson it's unreal. Thrown out of uni in second year, came home and just gamed, ate and drank (and stank).

Difference is, DP was on his back constantly about doing something with his life, getting help from GP if he was struggling etc. He wouldn't do any of those things, and ended up moving in with his mum - we work from home and she works full time as a nurse so he knew he'd have the house to himself all the time if he lived there.

As far as I'm aware, he's living exactly as he was here, just at his mum's.

It's a horrible situation, and you don't have to put up with it.

If he moves in, he needs to act like a responsible adult, pay his way, pull his weight, and wash regularly.

Once he’s in you’ll have an absolute nightmare getting him out. You know you can’t trust your husband to tackle the poor behaviour as he’s chosen not to do so before. And you’ve let him know he can threaten to divorce you if you don’t toe the line and you’ll capitulate. You’re making a big mistake.

This! I just read the update and sighed.

If you're going to be pushed into this, I suggest you get some specifics. How long for? What time can he game until? When should he be dressed by?

If your dh doesn't want to discuss these details, he's just taking you for a ride.

So your husbands threats worked.
Well at least you know well what you have signed up for.
I feel sorry for your two sons in all of this.
I wouldn't trust your husband as far as I'd throw him.
His actions to date have shown his to be a lazy shit father.
It's a pity your poor sons are collateral damage in this.

@AnneLovesGilbert sadly I agree. Thinking I am now the only one who can change this if it doesn't work out . Very sad our lovely home will have to be sold if that's the case as I am not living in a house being used as a doss house. It's also difficult he's not my biological son as I don't think I would have allowed this behaviour to continue as long , the children were all the same age roughly when we met and another major problem is stepson calls mum and dad of I tell him off .

Be on your guard OP. It's easy for his dad to say the right words, will he put them into action when DSS is actually there?

I hate to be a pessimist but don't assume the 'or the marriage is over' ultimatum has gone away.

Two years of student loans to pay back without the degree/earning potential at the end is not great.

How long has he been back at Mum’s?

Given your update, you now need to be issuing your own ultimatum to your DH - he enforces the agreement and keeps on top of his sons behaviour, or the marriage is over. Tell him you absolutely will not tolerate your sons lives being made worse because of his sons behaviour.

He has more to lose than you because without you his son is his sole problem. So if he can tell you mean it maybe that will get him to step up.

His son needs his help and support and is in obviously suffering with his mental health, I’m glad his Dad won’t abandon him.

You’d never abandon your sons so YABVU

Do you know if the father can afford to pay the rent.

Well he clearly thinks he can pay the rent for himself and his son, if he follows through with his threat to OP.

Plus, given how little the loans etc stretch to for Uni these days, the chances are that he’s been paying a lot out to his son anyway.

True but that poster is claiming professional expertise. I've worked in mental health and I don't know anyone who would claim to make that diagnosis based on a few posts. I don't think I've read them all so I don't know if those other posters were claiming professional status.

How would he manage if the marriage broke down, he would have to find rent then?

@kenndodd interesting point as the stepson did mention the Jobseeker's Allowance . I am more confused now and damned if I do and damned if I don't .

I wouldn’t be advocating ‘snap out of it’ if there were diagnosed MH problems, but I don’t subscribe to the MN view that every lazy young person’s behaviour is the result of mental health difficulties. Sometimes it’s just the fact that they’ve been to uni, lived like a slob because they could, and got into the habit of it. He needs motivating, not medicating.

@Champaganesupernova if he is disrespectful and you have a word finish with
now run off and ring mummy and daddy.
and laugh.

Just to add my husband's ultimatum was based on the fact he doesn't want to let his son become homeless so I do agree with him on this point. I do not agree with his behaviour though and that's the problem!!

I’m not claiming professional expertise, or claiming to make a diagnosis - unlike those who are claiming it ‘has all the hallmarks of MH’. What I said was that I worked as a disability outreach worker for many years and have had experience in the field and as a result I would definitely not automatically attribute this kind of behaviour to mental health problems. Sometimes it is just laziness and a tendency towards slobby behaviour. He’s been at uni, he’s been allowed to live like this and he’s in a rut. The rush to diagnose and medicate for MH problems at the drop of a hat is becoming ridiculous, and I’ve never come across this attitude other than on MN

He can move in if:

• he pays rent
• he actively looks for a job
• a curfew is put on the WiFi overnight
• he joins a household grocery shopping /cooking/cleaning rota
• he follows rules re: no food in rooms
• he eats dinner with the family

But, OP, what are you actually going to DO if he DOESN'T wash, stop gaming, get out of bed by 10? No doubt he will agree that he's going to keep to your rules, and your DH will be delighted and think everything is going to be plain sailing... but what if he DOESN'T?

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat yes exactly, if I am not happy then time to move on !!