Dwindling friendships

[elepant]

Didn’t know where to put this so hope this works in this topic.

I hardly have any good friends left. Is it my (middle age) time of life? A natural occurrence and totally normal? Or not? Is it me? Am I unlikeable?

It’s not that they have all left me. I have distanced myself from some as I can see we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel the way I used to about them.

I’m less tolerant of certain behaviour that I used to be. I’m no longer interested in people pleasing.

But I’m lonely. I can’t believe I’ve gone from having lots of lovely friends to
so few. Feel really sad about it.

I think it’s better not to have any friends than to see friends who’s behaviour you don’t like.

Join an exercise class. They are often very sociable. You can make new friends and keep fit.

I am sociable and do lots of sociable things. From the outside, I don’t think I look like a lonely person, but my feelings are very different.

I think to some extent it's normal. As we get older, friends who were once important parts of our lives grow in different directions.

I'm generally pretty happy in my own company and content with a small group of friends, but there have been one or two over time who I thought were close friends and who drifted away. It was hurtful at the time but the saying "friends are for a reason, for a season, or for life" is so true. Sometimes friendships ebb away and it's not a reflection on you, it's just life.

Also, this is an opportunity to do things for yourself and work on feeling comfortable in your own skin and happy with your own company. Then you won't feel anywhere near as lonely.

I think it happens to a lot in mid life. Life takes over and we have less time and energy. Also friendships are cyclical and some dwindle out as you grow in different ways. Not to mention those who start to get in your nerves. I think you just have to try and find your people again or resurrect some old friendships. I had forgotten how to make friends but have found quite a lot of information on YouTube.

Feeling the same as you.

I don’t have trouble meeting new people and chatting to people in general. I probably seem quite good at it. And I enjoy it when I’m doing it. But I think what I’m craving is a deeper friendship, which is definitely lacking. Maybe that’s just a “me problem” as my kids might say.

Sorry it’s the same for you @PhoneFriend

@elepant I’m undoubtedly older than you and DH and me have so many friends who have drifted off. We used to have a big gathering of friends at bbqs at our house. We held parties for major life events. In the last few years, we realised we never went to anything hosted by our friends. We’ve had long time partners marry (that we’ve known for 30 plus years) and no invite for us. Nit even to drink at the club. Ditto wedding anniversaries and significant birthdays. We are clearly expendable as friends.

Other get togethers now involve going out for a meal (we pay as couples) or friends coming here to celebrate! We seem to be a convenient hotel and restaurant. So now - we go absent! Not readily available. Holidays booked. It’s been utterly one sided for 40 years and we now just get a Christmas card from people we used to be close to.

When people change jobs or move, it’s difficult to maintain friendships: it takes both parties to remain friends. We are not doing one sided friendships any more. As I just typed on another thread, when DDs get married the “parent’s friends” guest list will be very short!

I'm really glad you posted this, OP - I'm feeling exactly the same and it's been on my mind a lot recently.

I'm late fifties and DH and I now only have a very few friends we see regularly. There have been a variety of reasons for this - people moving out of the area, job restructuring, just generally drifting away etc, and I also think the pandemic didn't help. We also live very rurally but there's no real sense of community where we are.

I do have someone I consider my best friend that I've known for years, but she now lives a long way away and has mentioned that her and her DH may retire abroad in the near future. Our kids (3 DS) also live a long way off.

I'm getting increasingly worried that I'm also lacking these really close relationships, but it's hard to make those kind of friends at this stage of life.

The solution is surely to make new friends as the person you are now?

I’m 46 and am the same. I felt very isolated at the start of this year. I’ve joined a ladies only gym to have something other than kids/home/work. I’ve not made loads of friends there but it’s a nice community. It’s weird because it’s only the last 2 years my social life has dramatically dropped off although honestly, I’m more of a homebird now. It’s been an adjustment

I'm seeing that too.

There's a lot of people moving due to heavy gentrification in my area and the cost of living is up due to that and economic factors and people are deciding to work or retire elsewhere. I'm looking at moving myself. Some are dying off.

Turbulent times, man.

Well it’s comforting to know I’m not alone and sorry to hear it’s similar for some of you.

There are many factors contributing towards my situation too - moved area, divorce, rural location, single parent, no family support…to name a few.

but I don’t think it’s just that, throughout all those big life changing events, I have changed too and although I still care about my old friends, we’ve moved on and it’s probably mutual.

It’s hard. Friendships take time and need regular contact to flourish.

You are right, OP. It's all very well people saying 'make new friends', but even if you do manage to find a source of new people, these will only be acquaintances until there has been lots of shared time and experience together. And sometimes you find that in getting to know someone better, they are not a good fit.

None of this is easy at certain times in your life, and we also change ourselves - I used to think I was an extrovert but realised now I was just masking, and I'm a lot more introverted than I realised.

The same thing has happened to me.

I spend more time than I should on here because the sad reality is I feel quite lonely and isolated now, where as I had lots of friends about 10 years ago. It has been a gradual dwindling.
I think it’s a sign of the times in many ways. People are just different now. Even young people don’t seem to socialise in the same ways as I did when I was their age.

Oh gosh, I thought it was just me! sending you a hug. I think you're very brave to come out and admit it. We moved areas ten years ago and I was so busy with house renovating and kid stuff (DD now 14, I'm 45) on top of work that maintaining friendships fell off the radar. I have lots of friendly acquaintances but my best friend of over 20 years (who never lived nearby) has ghosted me over the last few years and close friends from our old area are now more like acquaintances. We are having a 'do' at the weekend and I've invited a couple of nice acquaintances that I'd like to be more, plus some older friends (though one of those ignored the invitation!) but I'm so scared they won't show, or will wonder why there are only a dozen disparate peopled there, or it won't go well and I won't seem like someone who it's worth being friends with. One of these women is my yoga/PT teacher, which feels bit like clutching at straws. Partly for me it's living in a rural area and driving 20 minutes school run 4 times a day which makes me not want to go anywhere else at other times. I WFH (am successful, love it, but don't see anyone in real life!) and have a lovely life, but I don't know who I'd confide in if I needed a caring female ear.

@Donostiera it's interesting to me that you admit friendships fell off your radar, but you also say your best friend ghosted you. Is it possible that friendships fell off her radar?

Is it also possible that some of the people who fell off your radar think that you ghosted them?

I’m in this situation. I moved seven years ago across the country and started to depend more heavily on OH who had just retired. Two old friends fell by the roadside as both changed quite a lot and I really I couldn’t be bothered with them anymore. One is in Oz and we really have nothing to say to each other now. I’ve become a lot more of a home body and a lot of my emotional energy is taken up with my adult children and their issues. I have just realised recently how isolated I’ve become. I just don’t have the energy to go out and make friends anymore .

Very familiar. It is hard to maintain friendships if you don’t have the “just meet for a coffee” ability because people have moved. Having to travel to see someone and then staying etc - no, don’t want to.

Also I had one old friend who always made me feel bad afterwards. I had a watershed moment and thought better no friend than an unkind friend.

I do think people - especially neighbours - are quite unfriendly these days. What happened to cheese&wine and Party7 gatherings? (Before my time but no Abigail’s Party-style socialising round here.) My neighbours fail to even raise a hand in greeting. I said hello to the new people across the road but the reception was very frosty and subsequently we both theatrically ignore each other if we chance to leave our drives at the same time.

@TizerorFizz my experience has been the same. I used to be the hostess with the mostest but came to realise it's pretty much one way traffic and I was burning myself out pleasing other people.

However, I have since realised that people are split into facilitators and followers. Us facilitators are the ones initiating, inviting and organisers. It's important to us to have a big social life and we put in the effort, hence the parties, New Year's Eve etc. Followers are happy to turn up but not motivated or interested in organising. They're happy to move on when necessary.

It's up to us to not overgive in the expectation that it'll be reciprocated. It probably won't be. Now I only host people who I know like me enough to do their bit, not necessarily catering but interested enough to offer some sort of invite and keep in touch. Everyone else I'm happy to meet for drinks and meals, each pay their way. Also not to become the organiser in friendship groups. I will do my occasional bit but no more.

@elepant I think also people have to want to have friends. I’ve met people through belonging to an organisation. I get invited out for a coffee when someone wants something. I’ve not once felt I’m worthy as a new friend. They already have friends and there’s no need for more. I’ve found that at exercise class and just about everything else I’ve joined.

We live rurally and find some of our neighbours tiresome and not on our wavelength. There’s a lot of conservative views here and “group think”. If you are not like the central organising clique you are not really included. Obviously you can go to events at the village hall but it feels like you are gatecrashing. We’ve been here for 38 years. We spent around 10 years helping out, DH sorted out problems with the hall, I helped run fund raising events, but new people arrive and we’re out with the washing. I’m certainly ok with new ideas but villages are very strange places to live at times.

Also our closest friends live 5 miles away. I constantly invite them over for meals. I’ve had 5 meals at their house since 1988. They always want to go out to restaurants. How has this happened? I’ve no idea really but it feels very one sided.

@TheHistorian That’s interesting. I missed your post as I wrote mine. I think you are correct. DH and me are sick of “boil in the bag” restaurants with friends though. We actually want to go out less often but go much better. Closest friend likes tomato ketchup with everything! Hence why I invite them here with the ketchup on standby. Guests do bring flowers and a bottle of wine but not much evidence of doing their bit. I don’t want to fall out with anyone but friendships seem expensive to maintain!

@TizerorFizz I bet you love cooking and creating lovely things for your friends. I do too! Unfortunately not everyone has the motivation or skills, hence ending up in places you wouldn't choose.

I've found not taking it too personally helps. The non reciprocators have their reasons. The trick is to not overgive and match their energy. I don't have an open door policy now. My social life is definitely smaller but I don't feel taken advantage of 🤗and I'm richer 🤑

@TheHistorian Not “love” exactly these days! Friends have skills - clearly no motivation. We too are not being available. We deliberately book into restaurants we want to go to for example. Just the two of us. Yes, Christmas cards only for many! Not waiting around for invitations any more.

I could have written the OP!

After having close friends for over 30 years I felt I got easily irritated with them in the last few years and just stopped going out with them. Not sure if I ghosted them as I still send birthday and Christmas cards but they do not have my new phone number?

I recently joined a gym and feel I should try make some new friends but I may just be better off alone, will have to see.

I also started a new job but it’s very difficult to get to know colleagues while working from home.

I’m not sure what to do.