Dwindling friendships

[elepant]

Didn’t know where to put this so hope this works in this topic.

I hardly have any good friends left. Is it my (middle age) time of life? A natural occurrence and totally normal? Or not? Is it me? Am I unlikeable?

It’s not that they have all left me. I have distanced myself from some as I can see we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel the way I used to about them.

I’m less tolerant of certain behaviour that I used to be. I’m no longer interested in people pleasing.

But I’m lonely. I can’t believe I’ve gone from having lots of lovely friends to
so few. Feel really sad about it.

Funnily enough I was just thinking (getting upset) about this yesterday. I’d read something about meeting up for a ‘catch-up’ isn’t the same as ‘doing’ something together that creates a shared experience and memories. I realised that I’m always in the ‘catch-up over a coffee’ category and even then I’m often the instigator. It makes me sad as I’ve no family (although I have a DH) but female friends have always been super important to me. I do have 2 really good friends that this doesn't apply to but in the main it’s just a catch up once a while.

In fact I think I'm not right in saying friendships fell off my radar - I've always been good at keeping in touch, messages etc. Maybe over-keen, I don't know. But I had MUCH less time and money for a few years to actually do things. In truth the best friend went cold almost exactly when I moved into (my dream, massive project) house; maybe our interests diverged (I thought maybe she was jealous, though she has a lovely life and VERY rich husband) but I've tried to talk to her about it over the years - by WhatsApp etc as we live far apart - and the most I've got out of her is 'I don't know'. I message her on her birthday every year and often NYD, just saying I think of her and would like to be in touch, trying not to be stalkerish. This year I did at least get a thank you for the birthday message. After 10 years or so, I suppose I just need to let go of that one. I can't think of anyone I've really let slide except people I decided I didn't like anyway, and they're not the ones I miss. I guess I'm in that category for some others. Maybe it is partly a time of life phenomenon - the era of having kids and working more seriously and everyone lacking mental energy. Oh, there was that Covid thing too, of course...

Can you describe what the friendship you would like actually looks like in practice?
For me, it would look like a more mature version of the girlfriendships I had when I was twelve. When I wanted to do something, maybe go somewhere or just go to a friends house, I'd just say so. It seemed so natural then. We would talk about anything and everything so naturally, and ask for help if we needed it, and just be a natural companion. Now it seems like we're all so worried about how we appear to others etc. it seems we're panicked by potential rejection. I think we should find our inner twelve year olds and just go for it.

This is what I want to.

Its horrible that life changes us so much, isn’t it?

The problem is in this modern world I find people can be quite nasty. It’s hard to spot the nice ones now. I’ve encountered far more “Mean Girl” behaviour from grown adults than I ever saw in school.

It's really hard to make and keep friends when you get older. I think you become more difficult and less tolerant as well. I used to be able to be "friends" with everyone. Even people who might not be my "type/style" because I found the difference interesting/they were good company etc. Now I know that there are things that I just can not stand in a friend ; racism, homophobia, judgmental attitude instead of trying to understand what lies beneath, keeping up appearances instead of being authentic etc. It does reduce your circle.

I also have an autistic teenager so I'm pretty homebound. I'm 45 but feels so much older (not physically but mentally).

I think it’s easy to hang out with people but much harder to make friends . I find a lot of women don’t have any depth of conversation outside what their kids did at the weekend . No hobbies or interests , no knowledge of current affairs etc . I have made the effort a few years ago to join a social group and now there’s 8 of us who do a lot together . We dip in and out of events that take our fancy and no sulking or cold shoulder if it’s not your thing , no problem .
But here’s the thing . We only meet to go out out never any socialising in each others homes .
One big thing that’s hit me is the number of women of 50’s / 60’s who have mental health issues. All seem to be disciples of Mel Robbins and I’m wondering if being so absorbed in her work is self prophesying . I have no family in this country so having friends is important to me .
I have 2 life long friends one of whom used to be my soulmate friend but she has changed so much since our childhood/ young adulthood that I think if we met now we wouldn’t be friends . We recently had a weekend away and she was so short tempered and critical I vowed never to go away with her again .
I have another friend who I see weekly for coffee who is absolutely my person , we just gel . She is a comparatively new friend so they are out there .

Same here OP. I’m 47.
Everyone has just disappeared!
I was actually scrolling through WhatsApp last night looking for a date reference from one lifelong friend - virtually every message for the last few years is a version of “so busy, would be nice to meet but rushed off my feet…” except I know she makes time for others, went to the restaurant the same week I suggested it with someone else etc, thank god for DH and the DC I suppose!

Watching with interest for suggestions of meeting new faces - otherwise I think retirement is going to be a bit lonely.

I'm also 47 and feeling this way!
I think there was a shift when my youngest DC moved to secondary school. I really miss the social side of the school run. Seeing people for a chat twice a day really lifted my spirits and met my social 'needs'. I don't get this any more! I see colleagues every day and meet up with friends some weekends. But really miss the daily 'hi, how are you' that the school run brought and being part of that community.

Seems like there are quite a few of us experiencing this around the same time in life.

The thing is for me, that I don’t want to end up in the same predicament I used to find myself in in the past - stuck in friendships I wasn’t that ‘into’ and I’m old enough now to know I prefer my own company to company for the sake of it.

I want company but really good company!

When I look at people I know who have a good social life, if I have to scrutinise it (and I’m not criticising them, it’s their choice), I don’t think I would want to be doing the same thing. When I was part of a couple, a lot of the socialising was duty-bound or reluctant on my part (unless they were my personal friends), and I’m relieved I’m free of all that now.

Maybe it is a me problem after all.

That’s so true. I have attended a hobby group for some years and everyone is so lovely , or so I thought. A new woman joined a couple of years ago and has become a sort of ‘Queen bee’. She dominates everything now and has her own little coterie who seem to be in thrall to her. It’s really changed the dynamic of the whole thing. Recently I overheard some of her coterie discussing how much she drinks in a disapproving way. She does drink a lot , but behind her back they obviously have some reservations about her. The woman herself made a really bitchy remark once to me about another lady who is not in her coterie. It’s really put me off and Indont go as much anymore. Those mean girl vibes are there just under the surface everywhere sadly.

That was to @GCDPAF

It’s also true that sometimes you don’t really know someone until you spend time more intensely with them. I’ve had a friend for thirty years but have only seen her sporadically as I moved away. Since I moved closer and spent more time messaging her etc and meeting up Ive realised we are completely different people. She is only interested in talking about holidays and what’s in the Daily Mail. She hates the outdoors and has really poor social skills. We literally have nothing in common . I’m trying to distance myself but the length of our friendship makes that awkward.

Its crap op. Im 50s. Got rid of the must catch up soon xx ones. Unless Im chasing everyone nothing. I dont know is life just busier. I havent headspace for it either. The girl doing my hair last week said you only need a few good friends. Sisters cant rely on as they at different stages with kids. I tried hobbies no friends through that.

Going cinema next week with a friend. I agree with another poster people disappeared and nobody commits!!

Similar here. I still have some but most very close friends live far away.
Recently distanced myself from someone I thought I’d be friends with for life but she kept doing the same type of thoughtless behaviour and then shuts down when challenged. She was also great in so many ways and I know I can be thoughtless at times also but will always own and apologise if in the wrong, I am more upset about it then when I split up from a partner I think!
Having a SEND child doesn’t help. Even thought DC’s good behaviour and manners are commented on quite often, it’s more than you are again on the ‘outside’. I often go out of my way to include others as a result.

I don't have any friends now and I'm OK with it because I don't have the headspace to take the time and effort to make new friends after letting my best friend go after 30 years (I'm 40).

She just didn't put the effort in, I realised she was happy just being friends with anyone and everyone and floating around whilst I want a proper friendship with someone who cares and makes an effort and it was always me putting the effort in. Always a catch up meal or drink, no activities, she had other people to go to gigs etc with.

It would feel quite strange for me now to create a friendship after spending all my time with my husband and son, it seems such an effort to try and create a new friendship when I kinda expect it wouldn't amount to anything really worth the effort.
I love being alone so not fussed, I just went on my first solo holiday and it was bliss, I really couldn't see myself going with a friend, I tend to feel drained after spending a lot of time with people, even people I love.

Be careful what you wish for, I have just about managed to shake of a potential new friend, she’s a neighbour, seemed ok at first but it turned out she is nuts, histrionic personality disorder I think.

I was disappointed, it would have been nice to have a neighbour chum, ah well, I could always join a church- my 80 year old mum is a church goer and has made lots of friends.

God SuperFi you dont need that. I had a long friend it got toxic. Im def more wary of people now. My neighbours dont do coffees or neighbours in its prob way to do it then no fallouts

@Mary46 yes it dawned on me that it could blow up in my face, managed to extricate myself without causing offence, fortunately she has a short attention span and has latched on to someone else.
It is a bit of a minefield making new friends, people can just be so bloody weird! Thankfully I’m ok with my own company.

Yes I find people weird too. Or they super keen to keep in touch so you suggest dates then silence!! I give up

I know how you feel OP. It’s lonely. And I have zero time/energy left over after work, parenting, household chores, life admin etc to try to make new friends.

I’m 50 and in my 40s I started experiencing loneliness. I have a few friends I see from time to time but no one I chat with regularly. I do a lot of things alone. Being single is very hard and I’ve done the right things as in joining groups etc but not really managed to click with anyone x

There was a recent thread, about the danger of only having ‘surface friends’ instead of deeper connections, and people being left vulnerable and lonely if there’s a divorce, bereavement etc. Whilst I completely agree with this, it’s so damn hard to cultivate these deeper connections, particularly when life is very busy with work and family. And that assuming you can find people you connect with in the first place.

It seems to be a common problem

I think lots of people make noises about seeing “friends” but time slips by and they obviously aren’t that keen.

I found a good group of lovely ladies at the dog park. Highly recommend a pup to help this.