Dwindling friendships

[elepant]

Didn’t know where to put this so hope this works in this topic.

I hardly have any good friends left. Is it my (middle age) time of life? A natural occurrence and totally normal? Or not? Is it me? Am I unlikeable?

It’s not that they have all left me. I have distanced myself from some as I can see we’ve grown apart and I don’t feel the way I used to about them.

I’m less tolerant of certain behaviour that I used to be. I’m no longer interested in people pleasing.

But I’m lonely. I can’t believe I’ve gone from having lots of lovely friends to
so few. Feel really sad about it.

I never said ‘needy’, just that you want the celebrations enough to instigate and/or host them. People who are less interested in that kind of thing won’t tend to organise them.

@TizerorFizz isn't that interesting, your motivation for creating your social life, similar to mine. Thank you for sharing. I wonder if all facilitators have similar reasons.

It makes the difference between the followers attitude more understandable and less personal in a way, do you think?

Just to add my family weren't very sociable and didn't really have friends outside of family.

I think sometimes people can be intimidated by others who seem really good at organising social events and have lots of friends. They assume that these organisers love to host and are really good at it, so anything they themselves do will pale into insignificance. I don’t think it’s that people can’t be bothered, they often just feel inadequate

Agree with that too. I asked a couple of people in one of my groups if they'd organise the next night out. One said she was 'too busy' and didn't know how to go about it, the other said she didn't like organising things, didn't have the confidence.

I didn’t expect big parties in return but an occasional invitation to supper would have been appreciated. We now have “friends” all
these years later and I’ve never been to their houses. It becomes difficult to know what/who a friend is.

I do think it becomes easy to let the apparent capable people do things but it feels lonely when an invite in return is missing. Most people can cook a basic supper for friends.

Would you start your own book club on a more suitable evening?

Very true

@TizerorFizz can totally understand your resentment, and your sadness, if you've never been to these people's homes. I never understand people taking but never giving, total users. I have found that once you get in a groove with people ie always being the hosts, it's very difficult to change. I've had resentment and passive aggressiveness when I've tried to even things up. The friendships haven't lasted which is not such a bad thing or unexpected.

I’ve had a similar experience, OP. It actually quite unsettled me recently. I am ND and can be a bit scatterbrained but make a special effort to remember my friends birthdays, and their kids too. So when it came to my birthday a few weeks ago I was disappointed that nearly all my mates - except one person - forgot.

Some people might say - oh who cares you’re not a child, but yeah I do care! If this means that they don’t care about me remembering their birthdays anymore that’s fine - but I suspect there will still be an expectation for me not to forget as I am the “reliable one”. It’s not the first time some have forgotten but usually some forget one year and then they remember another year. But this was the first year they all forgot in the same birthday so it did hit me harder.

This isn’t the only thing that’s unsettled me
it’s also the fact in the past few years I’ve realised if I don’t text to set up a brunch or coffee meeting or ask how they are, I’ll never hear from some of them again.

I am just now focusing on the small number who do bother to keep in touch and I’m definitely open to making new friendships. I also have friends in different countries I see or call very intermittently. For example I stayed with a friend in NYC last year that I’d not seen for over a decade.

Ive really started to think about how maybe just focusing on my family is probably more important than sorting out a girls trip that no one else tries to help on. I love having girlfriends and spending time with them but I think I maybe need to learn to enjoy just doing things alone like going for a spa day rather than waiting for everyone to get a date together?

I think this is where I have got to. I was never comfortable with girl groups away - a spa is my idea of hell. I dont mind a small group if there is an activity but cant deal with shallow chatter for a weekend with acquaintances.

I have 6 very deep friendships from various stages of my life - school, uni, workplaces, school run, bookgroups that I nourish and cherish and see one to one. I also have a big extended family who are scattered and aging and I prioritise time for them.

I also have 4 young adult children not living at home and I am choosing to socialise with them one on one to develop our relationships.

I dont want to host in my home anymore - did a lot of that for last 30 years - dont want to go to expensive restaurants either. Prefer doing stuff - walk, gallery, theatre, gig, cinema, event etc followed by a good quality pub meal in a traditional pub.

The other issue that’s prompted us to pull away somewhat from friends is that if we suggest anything to do, it’s often dismissed. Our local friends won’t go to London, won’t go to museum exhibitions there and definitely not the London theatre. Won’t go to our restaurant suggestions etc. So we go. There are things to do here of course, and we don’t say no, because we do want to stay friends. Thank God DH and me have similar ideas about what we want to do.

The other thing that we have found disappointing is that a married couple we are closest too, and live near us, organised a Christmas lunch in a restaurant with other married couples (people we have known for 45 plus years) who live around 100 miles away, and we were not invited. The restaurant was around 80 miles away. All those attending have regularly stayed at our house. Being excluded (not asked and we found out after the event) upset us. I’ve also just been told that one of these couples wants to stay with us so they can see other friends in our area. I haven’t said no but I am not going out of my way to be hospitable. It’s getting more difficult to understand how friendships work!

Yes I find if people find you useful then you dropped as quick. Was close to my cousin met up. Once she went back work busy busy she dropped me. It was hurtful. Wont be used again by people

Respectfully, if this is a pattern in several relationships, it is something you are doing.

You know that for sure? Could be just bad luck.

No def not. I just think she was a user. My friend said to me today people are very flaky now. They definitely are!

Two or three times — sure, could be bad luck. But if you’re surrounded by people from entirely unrelated parts and stages of your life who see you as primarily ‘useful’, then I think you need to consider your own behaviour.

@SecondWoman What would anyone be doing though? I think some friendships go in stages. You are friends with mums at school (a bit) but, as dc grow, dynamics change. Friends going back to work and you are a SAHM changes the dynamic too. They have a different focus on work and friends there. I think priorities change and that’s why some of us facilitate meeting up. It’s trying to keep friendships going but of course it doesn’t really work. It’s not anyone needing to look at what they are doing wrong!

We live on an estate and I think that starting my own book group might be construed as agressive, which is a label I don't want!

The current book group do seem to have trouble keeping up their numbers which is a shame. If they could simply discuss the next date at the end of a meeting I think they'd have better attendance.

"Consider your own behaviour" sounds quite blaming. Often how we interact with others is based on patterns from our childhood. It doesn't mean we cant / shouldn't try to unpick what is going on but if we are overly needy or thoughtless of people, it's probably a deep rooted response.

@Banrockmystation
"I've really started to think about how maybe just focusing on my family is probably more important than sorting out a girls trip that no one else tries to help on. I love having girlfriends and spending time with them but I think I maybe need to learn to enjoy just doing things alone like going for a spa day rather than waiting for everyone to get a date together?"

I organised a trip for six work friends a few years ago. I didn't choose the destination, the date or the hotel, we agreed everything between us. Despite this the others dropped out, one by one, until I was left alone. It was a lot of work to book everything (though fortunately it could all be cancelled) and I vowed to myself that I'd never bother again,

@angela1952 I belong to the U3A and we have set days for the groups to avoid conflict of dates each month. Of course the given date doesn’t suit everyone but that’s life. I get around 12-18 at the group I run but I have to book a hall and work out a schedule of talks/subjects so I need regular meetings.

What else could you join?

It’s not blaming. It’s encouraging someone to think about their own agency in their friendships, and their capacity to have better friendships by changing how they behave in them. It’s often low self-esteem that makes someone think they need to trot around offering services to other people, and dropping everything when ‘needed’, because they don’t see why someone would simply value their company, but it’s not a recipe for strong, reciprocal relationships.

Yeah it’s a tricky one. Each persons situation is different but I know it was mainly down to my upbringing that I was happy to be seen as the “therapy friend” or the “friend who is always there”.

I didn’t consciously think it through or set out to be known as that but I would take it as a compliment when people seen me as “useful”. I started realising that I’d over extended myself many times for people who wouldn’t do the same.

The problem in some cases was me not them as in many instances they weren’t even aware I’d over extended myself. So I realised I couldn’t complain that they chose not to over extend them for me . That was my decision to do that , not theirs.

So I continue the friendship in those instances , I just reassess what I’m willing to do and put my own boundaries in place. And people are largely fine with that, they may not even notice!

But I’ve realised when I’ve matched some people’s level of energy/effort they became offended.

And THAT is a red flag to me, it tells me they think I am responsible to put in significantly more to maintain the friendship. And that they are not happy to receive the same kind of treatment they have been giving to me, which is pretty insulting.

I just let happily let go of friendships like that once I realise.

ETA: An example of that is when I lived in east Asia I had a friend who lived in Canada who kept on going on at me to visit her. I was thinking of it but then my schedule didn’t allow me to visit so I told her. She seemed majorly annoyed and I said she was welcome to come visit me if she wanted. And she basically scoffed and said he could I ever think she would spend that much money on a ticket to come see me. And bear in mind we earned around the same and had a similar disposable income lol but she was horrified at the idea of doing what she asking me to do!

I decided at that moment I’d NEVER visit her even if my schedule allowed it ! 😂

@SecondWoman I think you are reading far too much into being the facilitator. I don’t trot around after friends but I’ve put friends before other things I could have done. Our “crime” is to have a big house and a great garden with good relaxing qualities. It’s a sort of country house weekend that’s been on offer not my listening skills.